Men vs Women

[ene_gal]

This really cracked me up and I just HAD to share it with you guys :

DIARY ENTRY FOR HER
-------------------

He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.  We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny.  I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no.

But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the taxi on the way back to his house, I said that I loved him and he just put his arm around me.  I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.  

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep.  I dunno, I just
don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

DIARY ENTRY FOR HIM
-------------------

Man U lost to Liverpool again.  Tired.  Bit Pissed.  Got a shag though.

[Fat Bob]

Great one, however, wonder what saturday's night entry would have been for us english guys and their girlfriends then?

"England won, got pissed and got a shag"

Go on, someone do the girls one!!

[coanne]

that's awefully funny...more of such stuff to brighten our boring day?

[carolyn]

Hahaha! That's great, ene_gal.

Any more of those funnies?  

[ene_gal]

Here's one of my all-time favourites.  Enjoy  

BEER LITIGATION
-----------------
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have
accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed
immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

[Batwoman]

I received this today which made me laugh:

Pat was dying.
His wife, Kristi, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Kristi," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Kristi," he said in his tired voice.
"I...I Have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
Kristi. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Kristi. I...I slept with
your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and
your mother!"

"I know," Kristi whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

[mrs slocombe]

why do women wear makeup and perfume?

because they're ugly, and they smell

[coanne]

women wearing makeup and perfume are ugly and smelly???  

as a 'don't mess-wth-me' female, i disagree with you 101%!

Girls generally wear makeup & perfume BECOZ guys like to see them in it...

Aren't we nice people so that we make more guys happier?

[ansy]

heh?? Coanne!! You're a feminist's worst nightmare!!!

[coanne]

ansy: thxx...i take that as a compliment  

[s'pore perspective ...]

batwoman:

i like that one!

[ene_gal]

Here's another one   It's a little rude, so BM, if you think it's inappropriate, you can remove it  

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER
========================
08.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

08.30 Weigh in 2 kg lighter than yesterday

08.45 Breakfast in bed: freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants. Open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner

09.15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant bath oil

10.00 Light workout at club with handsome funny personal trainer

10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry

12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe

12.45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notice she has gained 7kg

01.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit

03.00 Nap

04.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card id 'from secret admirer

04.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

07.30 Candle lit dinner for two, followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers

10.00 Hot shower (alone)

10.50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen)

11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling, leading to gentle love making.

11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM
========================
06.00 Alarm

06.15 Blow job

06.30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section

07.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench

07.30 Limo arrives

07.45 Several whiskeys on route to airport

09.15 Flight in personal Lear jet

09.30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job on route)

09.45 Play front nine (2 under)

11.45 Lunch; Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon

12.15 Blow job

12.30 Play back nine (4 under)

02.15 Limo back to airport (several whiskeys)

02.30 Fly to Monte Carlo

03.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)

04.30 Land world record Marlin (1,234 lbs.) - on light tackle

05.00 Fly home, massage, hand job and shag with naked Elle McPherson

06.45 S***, shower and shave

07.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson asassinated, marijuana and porn legalized

07.30 Dinner: lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a pair of tits

09.00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohune cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch International Match of the Day: England beating Germany 11-0

09.30 Sex with 3 women (all with lesbian tendencies). One asks for it up the arse. One asks you to come all over her tits. The other asks if she can swallow

11.00 Massage and jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale

11.30 A night cap blow job

11.45 In bed alone

11.50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

[This message has been edited by ene_gal (edited 06-09-2001).]

[Fat Bob]

A simple set of rules that all men can appreciate and adhere to.

1. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

2. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and buried by his fellow partygoers.

3. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

4. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
   a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master
   b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
   c. After wrecking your boss' car.
   d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
   e. When your Date is using her teeth

5. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
1-10 scale.

8. Whingeing about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

9. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional).

10. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

11. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

12. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

13. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.

14. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

15. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

16. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

17. Women who claim to "love watching sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports spectators.

18. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's dog, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

19. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

20. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

21. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

22. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

23. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
    d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

24. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

25. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

[Batwoman]

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie....

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Senior Manager ID badge and dull grey suit.

"Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Senior Manager."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

**POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

The man says:
"I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[Batwoman]

Three Old Ladies

There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet
conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The
flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first lady immediately had a stroke.

Then the second lady also had a stroke.

But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that
far.