Men vs Women

[ene_gal]

Hahahahahhahahahahaha....

*falls over laughing*

[nev]

Tap, tap...

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

[nev]

Ooppss... that didn't go well with the topic, Men vs women. Let me try again:

This one is called "Hear My Prayers"

Dear Lord
Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who's willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks
And when promises to call, won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh send me a man who will make love to my mind
And knows just what to say when asked "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen.
I pray that this man will love me no end
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed
I look at the ****er you sent me instead.

Amen

[Suzie]

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife:   "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us.
"Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

[Suzie]

A young couple, on their first date, had made it to the bedroom. As they
were undressing the man, a big burly sort, tossed his trousers to the girl
and said, "Here, put these on".  
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers, " she said.
"That's right", said the man, "and don't you ever forget it.  I'm the one
who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her knickers and said, "Try these on."
"Hell" he replied, I can't get into your knickers!"
"That's right", she retorted, "and that's the way its going to be until
you change your f**king attitude!"

[Aber]

Now now, Suzie.

Which is your favourite Teletubbie:

A.Yellow
B.Purple
C.Green
D.Red
DECIDE BEFORE SCROLLING DOWN

Profile for women...

A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People
come to you when troubled because you always  make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people.

B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic.  You
have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others.  Stay
away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.

C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family
plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to
please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.

D.If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are
fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends
through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive
combination.

Profile for men.............

A.If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.

B.If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay

C.If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.

D.If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay

[Aber]

Don't lie to your mother...

John invited his mother over for dinner.  During the course of the
meal his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate
was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this
had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate
than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you, Jill and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jill came to John saying," Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down
and  wrote:

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.  But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, John

Several days later, John received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jill, and I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Jill.  But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

                                     
Love, Mom

Lesson of the day .....Don't Lie to Your Mother

[Suzie]

Aber.... I know.... but the temptation was too strong.... had to be done... just going with the flow....  

[Lancs]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the  headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit p*****d off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

[Allibert]

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman.  He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at
his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date
running late?"
"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of -the-art watch
and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?  What's so special
about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?".
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers....."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing knickers!"
Bond tuts, taps his watch, and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."