How to keep in touch with family and friends while OS?

[Abandoned]

Need some tips here.

How do long term expat families keep in touch with their friends and families?

We've only been here 5 months, but during that time have had two children's birthdays (one a first birthday) and I'm disappointed to say that barring the grandparents, none of our large family or group of friends, sent any birthday wishes.  None. Not even an email. For both of them.

I diligently send out regular updates, photos etc. and I post videos and photos on a website for people to look at so they don't have to download things for too long, but these things all take time and I'm starting to wonder why I should bother.

It's not so much for me, but I'd like the kids to keep in touch with their family in particular...

I've tried to be upbeat about it, but I'm feeling a little abandoned... sorry if I'm whining...

Has anyone else had this happen to them? Or is this just one of the prices we pay for being an expat family (tempered of course by all the many benefits we receive...)?  

Any advice would be welcomed.

[Not nice]

Sorry they didn't remember your kids' birthdays - that isn't a nice feeling especially if you remember the rest of the familys.  Send them photos of the birthday - aka a guilt trip!

I come from a very large family as does my husband and a lot of us are overseas.  I have a very enterprising nephew (in his 30s) who has set up a family group site on yahoo.  All our email addresses are in it so anything posted on it goes to everyone.  We get reminders a few days ahead of birthdays plus get notification of local mothers and fathers days which seem to different everywhere we live (very handy).  We can let everyone know at once how the kids are doing and what little exciting things they/us are up to.  We can post photos (I've never tried a video) and it's a great way of staying intouch with often, just mundane things. Plus you don't leave anyone out!  The only drawback is you can't be bitchy about anyone or they will read it  

[Present buyer]

I think that is terrible that nobody bothered with the birthdays.  We're in our 4th year and we still do birthdays.  It can be a pain having to remember a couple of weeks in advance to get organised (I'm not very organised), but while all the children in the family are little it is something that is very important.  I'm actually looking forward to the day when they all want money instead of gifts, but until then, I'll keep sending presents.

But you have to tell them.  There is no point feeling abandoned and sad about it if you don't do anything about it.  Make sure everyone knows how you feel.  

It isn't like going abroad in the 50s when it took 3 days to get back and parcels took about 4 months.  Maybe you need to drop a few hints about modern postal services.......strong hints.....they sound like they need strong hints.

You can go for the emotional blackmail issue too by saying something like:

"we were so disappointed that XXX didn't get any birthday cards on his first birthday.  I don't know what to do with XXXs (insert name of older child) first birthday cards now, because he got so many and I kept them all for him tied up in a ribbon because it is such an important birthday, but it will look terrible when they are older and the younger asks why the older got so many cards and he only got 3"

Yes, emotional blackmail within families can work wonders  

good luck

[momma]

download skype. you can speak over the Internet and even do video calls for free.  it won't feel like you are living so far away anymore... you could make a video call date with your kids and their grandparents if you can set it up on both ends.

[regular calls]

Internet and email ust isn't the same.  I have regular calls with close family and my best friends from home.  We even schedule them in our diaries so that if things are busy and we don't talk for a while we know we will catch up.

It is sad, I made a point of emphasising to both family and friends how much I wanted to stay in touch and for my children to remember their life in the UK while we're away.  I had to harp on about it a bit but it seems to have worked and largely we remember now.

[Poorgirl]

Hi abandoned, ditto here. Its not all that uncommon among expats to feel abandoned. Some people back home feel envious of the wonderful lifestyle they imagine we have (photos of pools and exotic sights will do that), others are of the "no news is good news" variety who will happily meet up when you return home on holidays as if nothing happened.

For the sake of the kids you'll have to forget about niceties and TELL family and friends about the issue. Set up a schedule (phone conversations, postcards, cards every second week) and stick to it. Skype is a great thing! People back home just dont realise this, so you have to tell them and suggest ways that you would appreciate receiving attention (calls? postcards? visits?).

[sort of gave up]

When we first got here (about 2 years ago) I was diligent about sending emails and photos very regularly to a fairly sizable group back home. I've basically cut the list down quite a bit - pretty much the only ones who seemed interested -- i.e. cared enough to respond. We never get phone calls from my husband's siblings -- despite telling them all about skype numerous times (they've even downloaded it, but they haven't used it for us yet). The emails from them are intermittent as well. The only time we talk to them on the phone is if we call them --- which we do from time to time. They seem to have the attitude that we were the ones who left, so we have to live with the 'consequences' of being far away or something. Admittedly, it does make me wonder a bit why I'm taking the kids back for a long visit with them later this year......

Mostly, I try not to focus my attention on it because it can get upsetting.

[out of sight]

Unfortunately it's usually the case even with siblings and close friends, on both sides of the world, that you can't be in touch as much as you'd like.

OP, as you're relatively new to Singapore, unfortunately the distance and lack of response is even more highlighted for you and makes you feel the gap.

It's a brand new life for you and as you're adjusting you naturally still want to maintain the close relationships you enjoyed at home.  As soon as your own circle of friends and support network here develops, you'll be less aware or sensitive about the lack of response as you'll get busy with things here and find you are just as likely to get carried away with things and might not be in touch as much as you'd want with people back home!

But that's not to say your feelings or their feelings change in any way. It is amazing how you may go for months without seeing or being in touch with people but when you go home or they visit the time and distance melts and things are just the way they were when you were home. Same for the kids -they seem to know who their family are even cousins etc and obviously going through photo albums and doing webcams (yep agree skype very good) helps to keep that going.

It's definitely slack of siblings to forget their nephews/nieces birthdays but I agree with whoever said you may need to remind people eg calls/emails to say "it's x's birthday in 3 weeks time and I'm organising a party or we're planning to do xyz etc it's a shame we won't be home to celebrate with you all -it won't be the same without you etc" -just to keep them informed and hopefully that will remind them to get their act together too!  

I always remind my brothers when the kids' birthdays are coming up otherwise they would NEVER remember! But they ALWAYS send something spot on once they know it's coming up.

I have no qualms about oiling wheels to try to keep it all going smoothly!

[Milly Molly Mandy]

Sometimes you have to tell them straight, no hints:

"it is xxx's birthday in 3 weeks, can you make sure you send a small present on time"

if they faff about and don't send it on time you have to say something along the lines of:

"look, I'm fed up of sending presents only to never get them returned.  It isn't me you are upsetting, it is xxx.  Either we agree to send presents or we agree to just send cards, but whatever we decide we need to stick to it"

<<Admittedly, it does make me wonder a bit why I'm taking the kids back for a long visit with them later this year......>>

This is so true.  It costs us an absolute fortune to go back each year so we've simply stopped doing it.  I've decided I  couldn't care less if I miss my monster nieces growing up (they've got to be nicer as adults than they are as children   ) and my parents can always come out on their own and we'll pay.  Simple and cheaper solution.

[buggybunny]

we have the same problem - my mil told me last time she visited - "Don't bother buying presents for your nieces because their parents aren't bothered about them getting gifts."

What this translates as is "They can't be bothered sending your kids gifts/cards etc"

There was a noticecable absence of any gifts AND CARDS from them at Xmas, my daughter's birthday and my son's birth!

It makes me soooooo angry

[giftaname]

send them all gift vouchers with the message "we couldn't be bothered getting you a present this year because you've never bothered with us"

If that doesn't hit home, nothing will!

Or alternatively, print off this whole thread and package it up with a covering note reading something like:

'see what your actions have resulted in - people who don't even know you dislike you'

[New Market Wizard]

Abandoned, unfortunately this comes with the territory.  What you are seeing first hand is that acutally people have a hard time understanding that an expat posting is not all beer & skittles.  That it comes at a very real emotional cost to the family that moves away.  It is unexpected at our end too as all we are focussed on is how wonderful this opportunity is going to be & the full extent of the dislocation doesn't hit home until later.

I agree with other posters that Skype is a godsend.  Just go to their website today, download & send an invite via the website to all your family and friends who are on email.  It is as easy as pie & totally FREE. . .mind you, you can also load an account and make calls to land lines to reach those without internet access & the rates are spectacular.  Phone calls in SG are awfully expensive!

As for the gift thing, the agreement we came to was that we would buy the children presents on behalf of the aunt/uncle, close friends & they were to do the same from us.  Cards we send.  We give eachother a heads-up so that we can write in the card 'we hope you enjoy your (present)'.  It makes the logistics easier & has worked well for us over the years.

Ironically though, now that we are based back in Australia (and only travelling back and forth to Asia as needed), my aunty forgot my daughters first birthday in April & I have spoken to her three times since with narry a word from her!  I am waiting for the penny to drop! LOL!

[Try not to get angry]

Yes, you feel abandoned.   Yes, it is not nice from them at all.  Yes, it feels especially difficult because the old social support network is broken up, but there is no new social support network yet.

However I suggest that you take a deep breath and try to let go of your anger, because it is not a helpful emotion.
Your friends and family at home feel that you abandoned them and life in home country for getting on this new adventure.  They feel abandoned and probably envious as well - just like you feel abandoned and missing many things from your previous life.

Why not keep them updated about the real transition rather than sending "all is great, weather is wonderful, pool is awesome" messages?  Why not let them know that your children were sad because they did not receive birthday wishes?

And, why not be realistic and understand, that people you left miss you and they have to fill in your place with someone else - just like you need new friendships not to feel totally isolated and depressed.  
Those that write to you and remember you make a special effort to keep in touch, because strictly speaking you are not part of their social circle anymore.
So, the special effort you must make to keep in touch is one of the hidden costs of expat life.  
It definitely takes more effort and many unanswered emails to keep these relationships (and some of them will not survive anyway), but if you keep trying, people will eventually respond and the friendship/family relationship can be kept alive.  

[Abandoned]

To - "try not to get angry" -

Thanks for the suggestion about not getting angry, but I never said that I was angry.  Just disappointed. But I AM a little annoyed that you 'read' so much into my post.

I AM realistic and understanding, but I just needed a few tips from people who have been doing this whole 'expat' thing for a bit longer without being berated for my poor attitude.

Thanks to those of you with constructive and helpful posts.