Shouting at toddler

[Yeller]

There are days when I shout at my 3yr old.  I dont like doing it, but sometimes I get so frustrated and angry at him that I yell at him.  He usually gets upset(understandably) and then I feel bad and sit down with him and explain why I am angry.  

Im just wondering, what kind of impact this is having on him.  I mean, Im not doing it ALL the time, but the times I do it, he gets upset.  Do others shout at their kids?  i try to take time out, but when he gets into one of his moods, I just cant take it.  

Any advice would be appreciated.

[sos]

One of my strongest memories from childhood is being shouted at. My brother and I could do nothing right. I will carry this with me for the rest of my life, along with the guilt that I was a BAD child.
Once or twice is to be expected - as parents it is so hard to be patient and calm all the time. However if it is more then that, then you need to consider why you are not able to deal with your child as the adult you are. I know that for many, many different reasons my (very young) parents were in  bad place at the time of my upbringing. That doesn't make my memories any better.

[Hazelnutz]

I bet you are not the only one who shouts at their toddler. I do it too. I often find that the tears are more a case of he is not getting his own way rather than feeling sad at being shouted at. Give yourself a break. You are only human.

[Moosmum]

I spoke to my Mum and asked her if we (my sister and I) got shouted at as kids and she laughed. She said we were always being shouted at (if we were naughty). Mum said she would get so frustrated at us sometimes that this was her way of getting her point across. My Dad was the scarily calm and collected one who, if we had been really naughty, would talk very quietly at us and utter the word disappointed which was WAYYYYYY worse than the shouting.

I truly can't remember the shouting very much at at all. I remember my Dad's quietness though. I like to think of myself as a mentally healthy non scarred individual who loves my parents and think how they raised us struck the right balance between friendship and parenting.

I have a daughter who is in equal parts an angel and the devil. I will put my hand up and say yes I shout at her. She usually cries but I agree that that is usually because she knows she has pushed the boundaries and can't get away with it.

Compared to some forms of punishment I think shouting is quite low on the list of things to worry about (depending on what you are shouting of course. I only shout what I normally say, I never swear or belittle her etc etc)

[Yeller]

Thanks for your replies.  Moosmum, my dad is the same.  He never shouted at us, but if we really pushed the limits, he would sit us down and talk to us calmly - and you are right, it did make us feel alot worse than the shouting my mum used to do.  Now that I think about it, when my son is having one of his moments, and I am able to ignore him and walk away, it usually works better than shouting.  He will quietly come up and sit next to me and say dont be angry.  Only problem is, its seems easier getting my anger out by shouting than by walking away quietly.  

[New Market Wizard]

I have two young children - nearly 5 & nearly 2.  Shouting became a real issue for me about 12 months ago.  It was pointed out to me by a kinder teacher, that maybe I wasn't managing my expectations of how a child "should" behave & how their minds "should" work that was the real issue.  She recommended I read two books - one for me & one for the kids.  For me - The Road Less Travelled (there is a section on how anger fuels itself & that what feels like release in yelling, screaming etc actually leads us to be more likely to be angry & unable to control ourselves.  For the kids - Raising A Thinking Child/The I Can Problem Solve (ICPS) method - it's wonderful.  Go online & check out your bookshops.

[Hazelnutz]

I find that I shout at my toddler when I am stressed or overwhelmed. For example if he's whining and we are late or he won't eat his dinner or I am trying to clean and he's pulling all the stuff out of the cup******.

[Mrs Loud]

I think everyone shouts at their children from time to time.  The difference is when you are shouting a ridiculously high number of times per day.  Perhaps you could keep a shouting diary for a week and look back on it each night and see what the shouting was for and whether you could have handled it in a different way.

now I know that sounds a little too organised and I'm thinking as I'm writing it that I would have managed a day before giving it up, but if you are really concerned it might help.

Like moosmum says, swearing at your children or belittling them is worse than shouting.  SOS's post is sad, and I'm wondering if it was just shouting or whether there was more emotional stuff going on for her to remember it so vividly.  I know my parents shouted at us when we were kids, but I don't remember specific incidents and they're definitely not strong memories, so I think that it must take more than just shouting to make you carry it through to adulthood.

[Human]

All parents shout at their kids sometimes, it's called being human.  What's different is if you've got into a pattern of behaviour where you shout at them ALL the time and for things that don't matter because you can't see the wood for the trees.  I think that the shouting diary idea is a good one as it will give you an idea of what is triggering your shouting and also whether your expectations of your children are in line with their ages.  I for one am guilty of expecting my 3 yr old to be too grown up sometimes.

[Memories]

I do not remember getting shouted out but I do remember my Mum saying that she's had enough and was leaving. She then used to put on her coat and go out and leave us with our Dad. Often this was when it was dark and I would sit up stairs and look out the window for her coming back. Sometimes I was petrified that she would get hurt out on her own. I think I was quite young when this happened and she did it quite a lot. I am definately NOT going to do this to my kids as I remember it used to scare me quite a lot.

[Yeller]

I dont shout at him all the time, but these days Ive noticed that when I do, he gets more upset that he used to get.  I have been quite stressed this week, so maybe he is picking up on that, and maybe that is also a cause of my outbursts on him.  Poor thing, I feel so bad afterwards.  He was SO good last week, but then I was quite relaxed myself  so there is clearly a connection. Well, its glad to know that I am not the only one.

[Nigella]

I used to shout at my kids when they were little, obviously I wasn't coping well with other issues and it was my way of releasing frustration.  I remember my little boy of about three once running and hiding when I was shouting once, it was a wake up call I tell you.  I also shouted a lot when we were in Singapore, there is a lot of stress if husbands are away, you have no family backup and other issues.  It is something I wish I hadn't done but hasn't adversely affected the kids who are now grown up.

[he will be fine]

You are OK, you are a normal person to do this. It is not as though you are shouting at him every day all day and since it is only the occasional event then of course it will not traumatise him or leave any lasting effect. He may just realise that he crossed that line.
 
Mums have to be cut a bit of slack sometimes, we are human too and we can't be perfect all the time. If things get a bit out of hand then sometimes we shout to stop it all and be heard.

I doubt that there is one mum out there who can honestly put up their hand and say they have never ever shouted at their kids.  

[manager]

I went thru a shouting spell too then I realised I had to manage my own expectations and prepare myself before I was caught off guard and blew my top. That really is it, isn't it? It's being blindsided by something that makes you flip. So every day, when you start in the morning, you have to consciously prepare yourself, tell yourself that something is bound to happen and work through the feelings in advance so it doesn't work you up again.

If it's repeat behaviour, then you have to work out with your child how to get over it, whether time-out, explaining when you're both calm or he suggests his own punishment so that he takes some ownership of the issue.

[sans obey]

Do you shout when people are visiting you or do you only shout when you're safe in your home and no one can hear?

Ask your self that question honestly then the next time you shout at your toddler pretend that someone is watching you. Then rewind the mental tape of you shouting at a baby, how he or she reacted and how you looked. Picture the anger in your face, because that's what your baby sees. I can guarantee that your shouting will either stop or you'll not shout so often.

Obviously you know that this yelling isn't the right solution to raising a child because you've posted on here. (that is yelling constantly). I think, good for your for recognizing that your may be yelling to much....now is the time to change your tactics. I think firm NO's which can be SO repetitive work with being put in a room. follow thru without the voice!!

Good luck!