18 month old driving me nuts!

[Goingnuts]

My 18 month old boy is slowly driving me nuts.  I seem to spend the whole day saying "NO!" and shouting at him. I am really trying to pick my battles but he is really getting to me now. It usually starts at breakfast when he throws weetabix on the floor, up the walls and on the table and then proceeds to massage the weetabix into the table. Then it's usually followed by jumping up and down on the sofa followed by pressing all the buttons on the video/tv/remotes and then proceeding to try and pull ever plug out of the wall. As you can see these things are dangerous. He's also resisting his nap during the day which is my 1.5 hours of peace and quiet. I have tried to sit down with him to read and do jigsaws but they usually just end up being thrown around the room. As it stands I think that I have neglected reading and encouraging him to learn for taking him out to try and burn off the huge amount of energy he has. I also think we have spoilt him, showering him with gifts etc. If I say NO!, he laughs and does it all the more.

Can anyone pls share with me some tips for trying to bring some boundaries and discipline into my little boys day. All this negative energy is starting to get me down. A few people have told me that my boy is "rambunctious" and "boisterous" which hurts me a little. I really want to stop his running riot before it all gets out of hand.  

[Jonnap]

Sounds like he is getting closer to "terrible twos"   Don´t worry, it´s a phase testing the boundaries and also how you will react on his manners. But you´re right it´s good that you are taking action now, rather than when it´s too late.

Our son has been like on a rollercoaster (he is turning 2 in may), but now he´s calm again (knock knock on wood). What I did, was always stay firm in bounderies, no messing with food it´s not something to play with. Tell him firmly he can´t do that, and when he continues (as they always do..) take the food away and tell him why you act so. Then give it back after a while. Naturally you have to be with him when he eats. They mimic a lot from us adults, so I always eat at the same time with my son, so he can pick up good table manners from how I´m acting. We also "discuss" what ever come on mind... sounds silly but it´s quite fun.

He will for sure test you some time,but the key is to stay firm! Don´t shout just talk in a firm manner to him and explain what he can do and shouldn´t do.

At some point when our son got really wild, I knee down and talk to him firmly and then if things "blow up on his behalf" - I took him into his room and explained why I do so "because you are not behaving nicely, you better think about this for a little while in your room". After he got the worst out - we go in and talk about the situation just briefly and give hugs. This sound crazy, but atleast for our son it worked. This was ofcourse the ultimate last thing to do and until now we only had done it once...

I know it´s nerv wracking for you but keep saying to yourself "he is only 18 mths - he is testing me - I´m the adult here and this is just a phase"...don´t let him get to you too bad.

My relief is our part time help (twice a week)... That really helps us all. I have more enegry to play and also our sons seems to be much nicer again - when I´m back, like he would realize to appriciate us more again  

Let him to really physical activities, take him to the playgrounds a lot! Do some dancing home, swimming , walks outside... Get him involved in helping you in the kitchen etc. What they love is being "needed" - as little helpers - also keeps the "no don´t do that"-shouts lower.

Reading books is great, but atleast for our son at that stage it was more like he turning pages - he wasn´t ready to sit down quietly - as he is now.

Hope this helps and gives you atleast some good hints! Hang in there and you will realize how soon comes another phase.... Cheerio!

[Jonnap]

One more thing.. If he is playing with the remote or other things he shouldn´t, I usually ask my son first to hand it over nicely - as he nearly never gave it in the beginning I say " Please give it now to mummy or I have to take it away from you - as it´s not a toy"... This starts to help after a while and suddenly you notice he is listening to your request and acts accordingly - it feels wonderful!

Talk a lot to him, they really understand SO much more than we realize as they are not talking back som much yet... But I noticed some things I said started to sink in after some time.

[jil]

Can you child proof things more? Move things in front of sockets, make sure remote controls are out of reach, turn appliances off at the wall while you're not using them etc. It'll be a hassle but it will only be a short while longer that he'll be like this and much better than constantly telling him off. Mine is just two and doesn't do any of those things any more, no toddler proofing needed (whereas the whole place was toddler proofed at 18mo).

It's a phase, you just need to give it time. In the meantime, be as consistent and loving as you can. The less you're having to say no to him the calmer you'll feel.

[supernanny]

If you haven't already, I suggest you watch Supernanny on Central on a Thursday night.  She's brilliant at taming children and you could get some good tips from her.

The main thing she does is the 'naughty seat' where you choose an area away from the main area of the house (under the stairs, in a corner in the hallway etc) and put a little stool there.  You tell your child why it is there and what will happen next time they don't do as they are told and then you carry it out.  When they are bad you can give them one warning and say, if you do it again you will go on the naughty seat.  

Next time he throws his weetabix on the floor you could tell him that he will go on the naughty seat if he does it again and then if he does, you carry out the threat and leave him there for  1 minute for every year of his age.  If he gets up, you put him back and start timing again and then keep doing it until he stays (some kids have taken about 45 minutes before they will stay there!).

I keep going on about Supernanny but from what I've seen of her programmes, I'm really impressed.

The main thing I've noticed is that for the poor parents involved, it is partly their lack of discipline which is causing the problems.  I don't want to upset you and suggest you have a lack of discipline as you may very well have lots of it, but sometimes it is worth changing the discipline if the current one isn't working.

oh yes, I forgot to say - if you do use a naughty seat you have to briefly explain why they are there as you put them on (you have to stay here until I say because you threw weetabix on the floor etc), but that's it, you walk away and leave them.

When you go back after the minute you say, you can come off the naughty seat if you say sorry to mummy - and then off he comes (not sure how well this will work with an 18 month old - if he can't say sorry perhaps you could settle for a hug).

good luck!

[about sorry]

I feel really strange about making my child say sorry. I guess I don't see that point of making them say it because eliciting it makes it meaningless. But it seems to be a focus of discipline gurus. I don't know.

Also, I personally think 18mo is too young for time out. I really don't think kids that age are being deliberately naughty, they just have poor impulse control.

[lively boys are great!]

18 months is too young for the "naughty seat"  he won't understand it and you'll end up more frustrated.

You are doing just the right thing by taking him out and about to burn off that energy, it's just what busy little boys need!  of course you will be exhausted too but that's part of having a lively and entertaining toddler.  forget about reading and learning for now, that will all come in time.

I know it's harder to go running around outside in the heat and humidity.  Perhaps try one of the indoor play centres, or find areas to walk that are a bit more shady (e.g. the upper part of the river, near GWC).

Hang in there, the lively ones are even more fun as they get older!

[lively boys are great!]

p.s. if you feel like you're losing your grip and want to shout at him, perhaps try calmly and wordlessly popping him in his room/cot for a minute while you take several deep breaths (and perhaps make yourself a cup of tea).  it might help to have a stairgate on his room so that he can still see you as closing the door might scare him.

This is not really "time out" it's more for your sanity.  having said that he might realise that pushing your buttons has consequences.  always collect him with a big hug and kiss though  

[me2too]

My 18 month old son is also driving me nuts! He has sooo much energy and just does not stop. He also has started to scream and carry on whenever he doesnt get his way. It is exhausting. The only relief I have is during nap time which he still is happy to have and he is really into DVDs now. I dont like him watching too much TV but I have some music and children's DVDs so he dances along to those and he is calm during it. Maybe try that? I know exactly how you feel though. I really do hope it is just a phase.

[some things]

been there twice:-

- feed him weetbix with bowl far away and explain that when he eats neatly he can feed himself.

- remotes, cables, power anything...CHILDPROOF, CHILDPROOF, CHILDPROOF........at one stage I had things up high, taped to hide, furniture in front - don't tempt him, it will be easier for both of you

- strap in the pram for time out for some things but only one thing a week otherwise becomes overloaded but child proof areas first so the time out things are fair.

- make a safe area with pillows etc in a corner where he can throw himself around safely

[Operant Conditioning]

I'm going to have to go against the crowd here.  At 18 months our son didn't understand explanations and didn't understand he was upsetting mummy (because they have not developed any compassion yet) and didn't understand a "naughty chair."

Our son only understood separation.  We would put him in his room and separate him from everything he wanted - the remote, the plugs in the wall, the toys etc.

You separate him immediately, you just say, "No."  or "No touch" or something very simple, pick him up and put him in isolation.

At around two years old we had the "showdown."  We put him in his room and he went berserk, screaming and crying and breaking things. We let him at it.  It went on for 3 hours and he finally passed out from exhaustion.  We "broke" him like a horse and never had a problem after that.

When he was done the room was a shambles.  We didn't hug him or apologize or anything like that.  We made him help pick up all the toys he threw on the floor.

Don't ever let them see you get emotional at this stage - if they know they can get to you they realize you are equals and the negotiations start.  Show them emotions when you are older and they start to develop compassion.  Saying, "You are making mummy sad" to an 18 month old is useless.  They cannot feel compassion for you at this point.

We also had a similar thing in public where he figured there was no time out.  One time I took him to the car, strapped him in the car seat and told him it was a time out.  I went to the back of the car where he couldn't see me for 10 minutes.  He learned that time outs could happen anywhere.

Finally - Don't sweat the small stuff. Eating with hands, making a mess when eating and so on we didn't worry about too much.  We had his high chair and a big plastic may under it.  At this stage kids are messy.  The only thing we did after a while was not letting him out of the high chair until meal was done.  He'd get mad and want to go down but he had to eat first. If he went too berserk on the high chair he got a time out.

Also see if you can pick up a book call "SOS - Help for Parents"  by Lynn Clark, Phd.  It covers all sorts of "emergency" situations like tantrums, potty training and so on in a very practical and pragmatic way.

Just remember - you are the boss!

[sheesh]

That post makes me want to cry.

[parenthood]

Welcome to the real world of parenting. I know of parents whose children would do as they are told from a very young age. That is rare. Most intelligent children test boundaries, challenge adult decisions and push you to the limits till you want to scream. The only thing to do is to be firm, loving and consistent with what you expect from your child. It is a phase and it will pass and it will be great for a while and another phase will set in with different kinds of challenges. You have an intelligent child who is inquisitive, adventurous, and persistent. If he laughs at you and says no at 18 months, he is not rude. Just pick him up and say in a firm. loving manner, "No, I said no but we can do ......instead" It is easier to distract an 18-month old than you think. Be creative. And, you can't spoil a child by loving him too much. You can only spoil him by giving him things to compensate for your absence or lack of interest in him. Good parenting isn't easy and it gets only more difficult.

[cautious2]

one small tip to add to the long list above.  

Instead of saying "No" - a word which your son it seems has already become immune to - change it to "Stop".  It seems rather trivial but worked surprisingly well for us.  A playgroup mum recommended it as first of all - its a different word from "no" (at least initially) that makes them pause, and its more a precise order.  

Be selective about the situations - start first with dangerous ones e.g. playing with electrical sockets or turning on the oven.  Tell them "Stop" in a low firm voice, make eye contact when you are saying it, (uhm...obviously don't smile or use a cutesy voice), stick your face close to theirs, move their hands away, turn their body away from the hazardous item, hold their hands firmly as you repeat "Stop" and then explain why.  I tend to add in the long tedious explanations of why he has to stop, embellished with gruesome things that could happen (haha).  I think in the end they  stopped as they wanted  to avoid the tedious explanations!

But seriously - been there 2x over - this stage lasted until about 2.5 for us. Its worth it now to establish these rules/ways of enforcing behaviour, rather than let them get away with it.

Hang in there - and don't forget - lots of time out for you!

[naughty seat]

As far as I'm concerned, putting them in isolation by putting them in their room is almost the same as the naughty seat!

I didn't use a naughty seat as such with my children but I did used to remove them from whatever it was they were doing if they'd already been told off once.  However the difference was that I stayed with them, and we just sat there outside the playgroup or restaurant or wherever and I'd say that we couldn't go back in unless they stopped doing whatever it was.  When we went back in, if they kept being naughty, we'd come out again, and again, and again until they stopped.

If it was messing around at home with the TV remote or something, then off went the TV and we sat in the other room, doing nothing for a few minutes ......and so on.  It is hard, but it works if you stick with it.  Just sit them on your knee, tell them why you're doing it but that's it, no talking, just sitting there.  Totally boring for a toddler!