13mth old snatches and growls

[softie]

Hi..  My little 13 mth old boy is really developing a strong will and I'm unsure how / if I should set boundaries and if so how.

He sees something he wants - e.g. my purse and takes it from my hand.  When I take it back he growls or starts this fake crying.  I was paying the cab driver the other day and it was really embarrassing as my son kept snatching back my purse.

He seems to want everything except all his toys.  He sees another little baby with her book and he snatches that or goes and takes her drinking cup from her hand.

It's really getting stressful - selfishly I'm getting so embarrassed with his behaviour in public (and private).

My question is - when do you start setting boundaries and how will he know what he can and can't take.  

Apart from putting all I can out of reach- how do I be firm with him and what can he understand in terms of "acceptable" and "unacceptable" behaviour??

I'm getting frazzled here!!

[New Market Wizard]

Get yourself a book called The Happiest Toddler on the Block/Dr Harvey Karp.  It is all about communicating with toddlers & the specific developmental stages they go through.  The stage you are at right now is difficult, being essentially pre-verbal, there isn't much you can do, except understand him better (which will help you relax) & develop some strategies for distracting him in these situations!  Welcome to the next phase of mothering!

[Act now]

You need to do something now.  This is not a funny situation, but it is when you think that a grown woman cannot control a 13 month old baby.  Or in other words, a 13 month old child has already worked out exactly what he can get away with from his mother and how to push her buttons.  You really should have started boundaries months ago.  Good luck.

[softie]

Thanks "act now"...  Hey even "grown women" have to ask for advice sometimes.

Motherhood is a journey I'm taking phase by phase.  This is a new phase and unashamedly I'll be the first to admit I will not get it perfect everytime and I will be the first to put my hand up.

He's a little boy and I refuse to believe he can be so sinister as to know how to "push my buttons".  He is understanding reactions certain behaviour invokes.  

Interestingly - you offered a judgement not advice.  

New Market Wizard - thanks so much for friendly, kind advice and shall get the book promptly.  Most appreciated.

[the wee things]

Hi

er ... no I don't think you should have started months ago ... you were too busy enjoying those gurgles and smiles!!

My second one is 13mths also (and me being a lot more relaxed the second time around ... mainly because life dictates that) and is now starting the same.  I am finding it all amusing as I can see her trying it on with me, the fake crys the shear determination etc.  this to me is all about development.  They need to go through all these phases to understand what it is all about.  

I am very strict on the safety issues (and there is no compromise) and also when she 'bullies' her older sibling I often intervene (although sometimes letting them work it out) but I 'give out to her'  maily for the older one to see that things are fair in this house and by default we have begun to discipline her. But really I don't know how much she understands of what I am saying.  But at this age she does know she is doing wrong (i.e. pulling her siblings hair and eating it!!!)  

I think let you be your best judge of what things are ok to let slide and what needs attention.  All phases (including the bad/embarassing ones for mummy) are all important as best we can do is minimise harm to all invlolved and hopefully after a while lessons will be learned.  

I wish you the best and above all try enjoy yourself and looking at it sometimes from a different perspective to see how clever these little ones actually are!  You just need to be one step ahead of the game (at this age anyway!!)

[worked for me]

just take whatever it is off him and say 'No' very firmly.  If he cries and screams ignore him.  If you are paying a cab driver and he does it, take the purse, say No and then just apologise to the driver for the noise as you get out of the cab.  The cab driver won't care as you're getting out!

Same applies for other childrens toys.  You take them off him, say 'no' and give them back to the other child.  Then, as he starts crying, you remove him from the situation until he stops.  Even if you have to do this 10 times before he gets the message it is worth it as it is 10 times that he has learnt from it.

As he begins to speak and understand more, his boundaries have already been set.  If he knows he will be taken away from the park, play area, friend, toy if he is bad then he will eventually stop doing the things that result in his fun being ruined by your strictness.

A certain amount of strictness with children is a very good thing.  Not too much, but just enough I always feel.

[awan]

hehe, I have a 13 month old too.. who is also rather 'grabby'. I believe it is called goal directed behaviour and is a totally natural and healthy urge.. can you imagine the person who grew up without it? I try to remember that at frustrating moments :-)

I limit my resistance to the things I really care about (safety, not hurting others), which get a firm no and being removed from contact. I guess you could call these things boundaries, but I rather dislike the term.. when it comes to being polite (eg not grabbing my wallet - my little one does this too, has an uncanny attraction to expensive items  ) I try to model more appropriate ways of asking. but I have some sympathy too: after all, there are all these exciting things that catch his attention, and life as a toddler has some inherently frustrating things about it. sure, as a child gets older, the politeness and consideration for others would become more of an issue. but I don't think a 13 month old has any capacity for comprehension of consideration, so I don't see the point of working on manners just yet.

so far, distraction and substitution works best. no you can't have my mobile phone, here's something else..

[softie]

thanks to the above posters...  He's grasped my voice tone and knows when I mean "no".  He does the cutest thing though - when I say no he turns and smiles and runs to me grinning and giggling.  

I have started to notice that distraction and substitution works and even once I take something then play hide and seek - he forgets why he was upset - then starts giggling.

I just want to make sure that it's ok to let him play a bit and not be too strict or start introducing "time out" or any other technique...  

Sounds like it's a fun yet challenging phase.

Bring it on...  I'm ready for it!!

[thermos]

and the joy of children is where exactly?

You will spend ages waiting for them to crawl, then eventually walk.
You will translate every noise into its first words, certain that it has just said your name.

Then you will spend the next 15 years telling them to sit down and shut up.

[Distracted]

Totally agree with the distraction and substitution. It's amazing how all kids love mummy's bag/purse/wallet.

Used to have the same problem in taxis. I prepared a "dummy" wallet -used a spare wallet which looked my current one and filled it with old business cards, credit card type cards and some small denomination notes. I've done the same with my make up bag!

The are not fooled by obvious kids versions so it has to look real. Plus an old broken phone (which they clock onto pretty soon) but the dummy wallet worked really well for the oldest and now I need to prepare one for the younger one. You whip it out when you're paying for things. Now my older ones likes to hand over the cash/card and get the change which I'm happy for him to do as he hands it straight over.

In playgroups/playdates I think there is an over tendency to try and manage our kids and stop the usual interaction -we don't want our kids to snatch or be the snatchee. Sometimes I think we should agree to all relax a bit and only intervene if a child gets upset otherwise we are constantly interupting the flow and the only way kids learn to hold onto their toys or learn the consequences of their acts/snatching is to allow them to work it out a bit for themselves so long as no harm done.

But we all want to conform with social niceties. With siblings, as one of the other posts said, you let them get on with it a bit. I think with good friends you should have the same kind of boundaries. It's a way of learning for the kids. My daughter is more likely to show she is upset when she knows I'm intervening on her behalf but if she's not noticed i've seen something being snatched from her I let her be because I want her to learn from the experience. That's how my son learned from being the upset child to holding his own. If they're doing the snatching you feel bad for the other child but frankly if the other child is not upset then you should leave it be. But so long as other mum understands that you're not unaware but it's in her child's interests to learn from the experience too.

You do need to be clear with your playdate friends exactly what the boundaries are and when you will intervene respectively.  I think time out is still a little early at this age except for biting/hitting etc.

I would fully respect someone who at the outset of play said to me my child is pretty exuberant and assertive. If x, y happens how shall we deal with it -what is your child like etc? My second is shy so in that situation I would protect her a little to begin with and stay close by until she's comfortable. It's so useful knowing in advance so you can manage things practically and constructively rather than working it out as you go along, making mental notes "need to watch that kid she's a biter/snatcher"etc!

[You're not alone!]

They so know how to turn on the charm don't they??!!!!  Mine just looks and me and says
"Mama, Pleaseeeeeeeee" whilst fluttering her eyes!  
My liitle one is 17 months and is still testing the boundaries at times.  I work in Early Years Development (I have a Masters in it as well) and any parent that says their child hasn't ever been through this phase causes alarm bells to ring very loudly!  Either the parents find it necessary to lie, or there is an underlying problem.
It is a natural part of your child developing.  He/she wants what they see (who wouldn't??!) and to go where they can't!  We need to show them what's acceptable and what's not.  I have always explained why they can't have something, or go somewhere, climb on something etc etc. EEven when they were very little and couldn't understand what I was saying. When the screams started, I just ignored them! Mu husband and I would carry on talking, doing whatvever we were doing before etc etc.  It is important that your partner does the same, otherwise they end up asking Daddy cos Mummy always says No!
With things such as my wallet, I have given an old one to her so she has hers too.  I tend to keep it in my bag and have put in some expired cards for her to take in and out.  
You sound like you have a very positive attitude to the whole process.  It can be a testing time without a doubt, but you'll get through it!  With more grey hair perhaps! Remember, all kids do it!
Good luck!

[softie]

I love the play purse idea.  I will definitely do that.

I have a blackberry and he adores that and takes that.  I managed to get a broken one from work and gave him that.  Right on cue - he knows the real one from the broken one.  I bought him a toy mobile phone - which is now sitting right beside the toy blackberry in his toy box.

I really like the idea of agreeing with other parents upfront what we are cool with.  I notice now I've been looking at other parents and following their lead which is probably not the brightest thing to do in retrospect.  You kind of make up this code of conduct as you go.

One thing to be said - it's amazing watch him develop his own sense of will and the ability to express his emotions.  Parenthood is really a gift and blessing.  

[Try....]

When my little bot was 13 months old, he went through exactly the same phase. A firm 'No' didn't work, so in the end I tried a quick smack on the bum which worked OK.

[I'm 13 Months too]

I'm 13 months old too, and when I do something my mother doesn't like, a simple firm 'NO' sometimes works.  If not, she'll remove me from situation.  Eventually I'll get it.

So "No, Remove, Distract".

But never ever worry about what other people think, and don't get embarrassed.  It's gonna get worse, you should see my 3 year old brother !!!!

[softie]

Hello there 13mth old...  Your mummy sounds like she's very together and smart!  Thank her for me - sounds like you are a happy little vegemite!!  thanks