Controlled crying

[Anita]

Have you had any success with this method?I'm bleedin' exhausted- from lack of sleep, from people calling at 6.45 a.m. (followed by 3 more calls before 8 a.m. would you believe? )in response to a newspaper ad that I put in looking for nanny, and my beautiful, beautiful baba (2 months old) not settling at night.

So I bought the Gina Ford book that so many parents swear by, only they didn't have THE book so I bought one by her called 'from Contented baby to confident child' 'cos no book store on Orchard road had the other one in stock. Anyway, the controlled crying method is about not picking up your baby when she is crying but reassuring her at intervals of her crying so that she can learn to settle herself. Only, what usually starts with a gentle cry turns into screaming and yelling and eventually, to something unbearable to hear as a parent. I tried not to pick her up but she was going blue in the face and choking! I was scared she would pop a vein or have a seizure or something worse. Surely this can't be right? Surely this is bad for the baby??? How can I not pick her up when she is choking and screaming her head off? I am pretty certain that she is not hungry, and has no wind trapped and that her nappy is dry and that she is not overtired when I try to settle her after her 10p.m. feed. But she ends up staying awake until 2-3 a.m. (definetly overtired and cranky by then), then falls asleep until 7 and then is very sleepy all morning. And she usually falls asleep at the breast (not recommended by the book) and refuses to take the bottle at anytime (although the book recommends that the 10p.m. feed be a bottle feed). The thing is, she usually does not cry when she is held- not even in the evenings when she is crankier. What do you suggest?

[mother of three]

It could be one of two things.  Firstly, does she sleep in her own room?  Babies love to know mum is there, which is why she probably doesn't cry when held, and if she wakes on her own in the night, she calls for you.  You could try putting her crib in your room, just hearing you nearby can be a comfort.  The other thing is perhaps reflux -  won't hurt her being held upright, but lay her down and it is a problem.  Morning milk is different to evening milk as mum is tired and stressed by the end of the day. It could be that she is getting heartburn, so prop her up when sleeping.  Also some babies don't like being in a big cot when little, they prefer being snug in a bassinet, just a thought.

[Mo3]

I tried both methods.  The controlled crying one first (Which parent wouldn't love to have babies sleeping through the night and eating on a regimented schedule like we do?) and my kid did what yours did and I could not stand it.  Then, I read the Dr. Sears, Penelope Leach methods, thought, bullsh!t, and tried the controlled crying again.  It worked no better the second time than the first, so I went back to Sears and Leach and found that they worked for me.  Under the latter two, I learned to control my reactions to the crying and bizarre sleep schedules (and accept that this little individual had needs so different from my own) and learned to roll with the punches. Scary, huh, because common sense tells you that your little ones should do as you want them to do and that one's life, so carefully guided until having a child, is all of a sudden hostage to a child.
Until at least age 2, they nursed on demand and they woke up 2+ times a night.  After age two, I weaned the first two and the last one weaned herself.  They started sleeping through the night on their own and have been beautiful sleepers ever since.  
Sometimes, I think the gift of my very fussy first born was to teach me not to be so controlling of those around me and to learn to accept a slower, natural pace of life.  A difficult lesson for a woman who used to bill on 15 min. increments at a substantial rate, at an average about 230 hours a month.  And, sometimes, to paraphrase Gary Larson, I think, "See that smile, the vacuous look on her face?  She's been domesticated!" Good luck finding what works for you because while following the path I chose was difficult and bizarre, in the end, it has been worth the effort.

[This message has been edited by Mo3 (edited 04-10-2002).]

[Buffy]

Have you ordered the first book? it has all the routines detailed in it...the latest edition seemed to be somehow changed from the first edition that I used , but not sure how.

The "controlled crying" issue is a difficult one. I did it and it worked. But I must say I did it with a 5 -6 month old baby at her Midday nap and the crying. Although very determined it was never as bad as you describe. I also made sure that when doing this that everyone else understood what the point was...I can only imagine that trying to do this at night time would be very extremely hard. I would suggest the following...2 months is still a very little baby...so wait another month before trying to address this...if the rest of your day is going well I would go with the flow...ie at the 10pm feed let the baby go to sleep being held, then put her in her bassinet when she is asleep.You clearly need more sleep and if this is how you get it then so be it.

Is there anyone else who can give the baby her 10pm bottle feed? If she still refuses try expressed breast milk in the bottle instead of formula and gradually add formula (in the correct quantities). In the meantime I would start focusing on establishing the early evening bedtime (bath,pjs/read/sing,feed,bed) ritual.If she is in your room, move her to her room at 3 months. By the time she is weaning (4 months) the daytime routine will fall naturally into place because of meal times. There should soon come a time when she won't always wake for night feeds and this problem should dissappear (until she starts teething, gets ill ,starts walking etc etc).
Another thought...2 months.. lots of babies seem to go through this awful phase around 8 weeks (hysterical screaming)...ours did it from 5-7pm every day, colic is the suspect but I now understand that sometimes it is due to a growth spurt and not getting enough milk...if you are getting stressed it may be affecting your milk by the end of the day...
About getting the nanny ...can you leave the phone off the hook until you are ready to take the calls in the mornings? Is there a short term solution so that you can leave hiring the nanny for another month  or do you need to get back to work? Can you bring a mother or MIL to fill the gap ..You need someone to mother you for a bit ...is your baby's father aware that you need Help (with a capital H).
I have a lot of sympathy for what you are going through.Let us know how things are going Anita.

 

[Anita]

hmmmmm, it could well be reflux. She does stop crying almost immediately when she is held upright but does fret when is held more horizontally. And only at night times. What are other symptoms of reflux? How about reguritation? She always regurgitates quite a bit in the evenings.. Apart from letting her sleep upright, what else can I do?

Mo3, please tell me where I can find more about Dr. Sears, Penelope Leach methods. Is this where you feed on demand?

[Anita]

Hi Buffy, I was hoping you might respond to my post, as I knew from your other posts that you had followed Gina Ford's methods.

I haven't ordered the book, it did not occur to me at the time...

Her cot is in our bedroom at the mo, we have no choice on this matter cos it won't fit anywhere else! So I am always with her for most part of the time. As mentioned earlier, I think reflux may be the reason she screams only in the evening. I will avoid using the controlled crying method at night time, also out of consideration to my neighbours. I am sure she can be heard all the way in Timbuktu, the way she screams....

My husband has been wonderfully supportive all the time, but when it comes to bottle feeding- no can do. Our baby would rather suck on my arm, my shoulder, her mittens, my t-shirt,  rather than take the bottle. She starts screaming when she sees one, would you believe! So the 10 p.m. feeding is actually by breastfeeding.

I resent having to go back to work and having to cut back on breastfeeding, cos I really love nursing her. Unfortunately, I have a six month notice period (which is ridiculous!If I am that difficult to replace, they should pay me more...) and I can't afford to pay my way out. That would be six months salary out of my pocket! How I wish I could just quit...

[dilly]

Haven't done the Gina Ford thing myself but have friends who swear by it.  I did the controlled crying, very successfully, with my first son when he was 5-6 months - it only took a couple of nights.  But I think 2 months is too young to try it. There is a very useful book about sleep by Richard Ferber (How to solve your child's sleep problems) that details the approach, if you're interested. At around that age, my health visitor in the UK advised trying to let my second son settle himself, but if it didn't work after about 10 minutes, going to him and soothing him.  Good luck whatever approach you follow.

[local mom]

anita:

hang in there and catch a break if you can .. that sounds like my son 8 yrs ago.
even to this day, he meets all textbk criteria for and *difficult* child.

we stuck it our for 9 mths .. finally we couldn't take it anymore since we were perpectual zombies.

he slept from 3am - 8am, despite his 9 pm slow down to bedtime. did everything the bks suggested but no go.

to keep him quiet and ourselves awake/sane, we used to drive around and sit at late night coffee places till almost dawn - no kidding.

anyways, what we finally did was to keep him up all day (way past normal nap/sleep times) and push his bedtime by 2 hours.
that was followed by pushing another hour the next day and so forth till he adjusted to normal sleep hours (10pm - whenever).

as for bottles ... they reject it if it comes from breastfeeding mom.
see if it works if dad tries it. works better if you are nowhere in sight.

[Mo3]

Yeah, Dr. Sears is a breastfeeding-on-demand type.  I didn't realize you are going back to work.  If I recall correctly, the Breastfeeding Mothers Support Group here in Singapore is comprised of many women who are planning to or have gone back to work and are dealing with trying to continue breastfeeding while working.  Perhaps it would help to call them?  I knew of one mother back in the states whose daughter refused the bottle outright---even when it contained breastmilk.  The routine that they settled into when she had to return to work was that the daughter did not eat all day (she just plain refused a bottle) and then nursed immediately upon pick-up from the sitter and continuously at night.  I hope you find a better solution.  As for the mom with the weird schedule, she said that she just slept with her daughter and kept her nightgown opened at top throughout the night and was ultimately happy with the strange solution.  

[mother of three]

If it is reflux then controlled crying won't help at all.  One solution is to let baby sleep in it's pram at a 45 degree angle, which is easier than propping up a mattress.  Try this and see how it goes.  One of the other posters was correct though in saying at around this age, the baby does a growth spurt and can't get enough to eat, you may need a few extra feeds until it settles down.  Good Luck.

[local mom]

i did just that too.
despite what everyone else said, i brought my son to sleep with us so he could breastfeed on demand.

it means better uninterrupted sleep for all and he's a happier baby because he'd wake whenever we put him into the crib after feedings.

do what works best for you and go with the flow.
nothing is absolutely right or wrong; just do whatever works for your family .

[Anita]

I think that letting her sleep at an angle really did help. She didn't go to sleep much earlier but she certainly kicked up less fuss than usual...Reflux may well have been the cause for her discomfort. Thanks for the tip! Even during the day, she doses off in her pram (also with the back elevated a bit) and she sleeps comfortably.

I am still quite worried about going back to work. She vary rarely takes the bottle- sometimes, when she has just woken up and is still half asleep or sometimes, just like that she would drink. But that's like once every 10 times I or my husband offers her the bottle. Still, we keep trying everyday... Does anybody have any success stories here? I mean, ideally, she should not have to starve while I am at work.

[schoolie]

From all that I was taught in Australia, it was made clear that under six months controlled crying was not a useful technique. Others may disagree with me here. I could certainly not leave my two month old when they are that distressed.

Some things that worked for me were these:

Always lay the baby on the left hand side. If your baby is crying, try putting both hands on your baby. One on the hip and the other on the shoulder. Rock your baby gently back and forth. Once the bay is settled, leave the room. Allow for a few grizzles, but don't let the crying escalatee too much. Reenter the room if the crying is too much, and continue rocking but try not too lift the baby in and out. The idea is to settle the baby in bed so that they are used to going to sleep in bed. There is still the contact with mum without the disturbance of getting up and down.This takes time for the baby to get into a routine and to know what is supposed to happen when put to bed. It worked for me. I hope it works for you. Good luck.

[?]

does she have long naps? try cutting those down.

[Buffy]

Anita ...you must feel so pi**ed off at having to go back to work..is there any room for negotiating a kind of phase back in...part time gradually building back up to full time (obviously pay would have to adjusted)?
I have to admit that there would have been no way I could have gone back to work ...I was looney bin material and not capable of getting myself showered and dressed in the morning let alone to an office!So I can understand how difficult it must be for you  and all those mothers that do it by choice or have to by circumstance ...you all  deserve medals  (because they already have chests!).

gosh I am burning the dinner...got to go
Good luck!