What can I do?

[A local mom]

I belong in an organised playgroup of 10 or so mothers. All of them are expats women, except for me. I find I have to work very hard to be included in a conversation. Most of the conversation seems to be one sided, I would ask them something and it would not be returned. After 5 weeks, they cannot remember my name, let alone my child's.

It is very discouraging, and I feel like an idiot standing by myself so I immerse myself with my child. It gets pretty lonely at times when the others invite each other to their houses in front of me.

What do expat moms look for when they join groups like these, especially in a new country? A "little UK" or "little Australia" within Singapore?

[sympathy]

just wondering why you would join an expat playgroup. I mean wouldn't you prefer to have your child join a local playgroup where he/she would make lasting friendships? Expats are expats because they are here on a short-term basis. They band together because they want to feel something familiar in a strange place. In a few years they will leave. Then your kid will lose a playmate.

But anyway, i would suggest not being a reactor but an actor. Initiate rather than wait. I suggest you organise a party or a play party at home and invite some of the mums and their kids. Invite some of your friends as well. Open your home first and their home will eventually open to you.

The biggest mistake you can make is to turn in and keep to yourself. If you make an effort to make friends, you will find friends.
Good luck

[GlobeTrot]

Sympathy's idea to have a meet at your place is a good one. You could try it out.

There may be some expat mothers who want something different from a playgroup than what you do. But I bet you, many of your group want similar things... you may make a good friend or two among your group.

Sometimes things just take more time.  I belong to a mum's group where I happen to be the only expat... I get along better with some of the mothers than others.  Same experience with "expat" mums playgroup.

Just a thought, perhaps it is not an issue of being expat or not... rather the common ground has not quite been discovered .. by you or the other mothers.

If you find the participants are not responding to your overtures then just leave it and join another playgroup where participants are more welcoming. Their loss.

[E.R.N]

I find playgroups 'funny' things and it took me a while to find one I felt comfortable with going to. I certainly do not look for a little UK, rather just friendly people and somewhere for my toddler to have some fun.
I think Globetrot's post explains it well.
Feel free to mail me. What you describe happens in lots of groups all over the world.

[expat mom]

Western women are pretty verbal- meaning you often have to enterject yourself into the conversation.  Step forward and interrupt and join in the conversation or try some one on one side conversation.  Also you might get to know some of them out of the playgroup in a smaller setting where you talk in a less intense atmosphere than 5 or six plus moms all talking at the same time.  

Good luck.

[Friend]

If your descriptions are accurate they sound like a bunch of cows to me.  And, I say this as an expat, I"ve met so many obnoxious expat women that I can truly believe it.

Find another group - and perhaps something smallers where there is more opportunity to interact.  10 mums and 10+kids sounds like a zoo.

There is nothing more depressing than feeling excluded.  You need to find a group where YOU feel comfortable.  Trust me, your kid doesn't care.  S/he would be just as happy playing at home with you.  Playgroups are for Mums to have a break.

How old are your kids and where do you live?

[Why bother?]

Why are you bothering to go to this playgroup?  Is it for status???  Or are you just trying to wind people up by implying that the women there are racist?

Don't blame the mothers at the group for trying to make their group "little Australia" or "little America" - that's just those mothers and that playgroup.   They are not neccessarily "cows" - just women who know what they want from their playgroup.  i.e. socialisation with women and children from their home country.

There are loads of playgroups around - go find one that suits you and your child.  There's really no need to "force" the issue and "make" people talk to you.  I tried loads of playgroups before I found one that suited my kids and me.  That was both in the West and in Singapore.

Playgroups can be difficult in every country.  Just find the one that suits you.

[marriedguy]

If you are not satisfied with this playgroup then shop around and find one you do like. Five weeks and they had forgotten your name already? If it were me I would not have been there on the sixth week.These things can be a little cliquey sometimes.

[House Husband]

As a stay at home Dad who was excluded from a toddlers group (well ignored ) in the beginning when my son was younger and we were in the UK , I want to sympahise and say I understand the sense of loneliness and rejection, because I experienced it.

However, I am also like some of the other posters who are confused by how you would find yourself in this situation.

Generally speaking, a group of expat women who have formed a group such as a toddlers group have done it through a club or similiar environment which attracted them there in the first place., such as the ANZA Mums under 5's.

How did you come to be in this environment ?

[How do you know?]

maybe she's in the playgroup because she's married to a westerner.  She says she is a local mom, she doesn't say her husband is local.  But either way, why should she go elsewhere?  

Maybe the group is a playgroup set up in her condo.  You just don't know, so don't assume that it is a group set up by an expat club for expats.

To Local Mom - Playgroups can be a nightmare for mums.  Sometimes it would be easier if we could just drop our kids off, let them get on with it, and go home and have a cup of tea on our own!  I used to go to a group in the UK where it seemed to take ages to get chatting to anyone for any length of time.  But I kept going and after a couple of years I ended up running the club.........so don't give up!

I hope things get better for you soon.

[A local mom]

Playgroups are not really common in our culture. Many people think that playgroup is a form of education like Montessori. I joined because the activities that the group promoted seemed like good fun. Unfortunately, it is a playgroup that we've all had to pay upfront for it, so I will just finish the term and make an assessment from there.

I am aware that westernised people are more verbal - I am pretty reserved in nature and have had to step out of my comfort zone a little. Thanks for your suggestion of throwing a party. In a way, I just wish that it would be a lot easier, and if my post hints at racism, sadly that is just the way things are.

[A local mom]

I am surprised to hear that some of you changed playgroups a few times in order to find the right one. I never thought of it that way, that we could chop and change. But that is a good idea too.