Separation anxiety

[A mother's plea]

Help! My 3 year old daughter started school this year. She is the only child and has been very attached to me from the start. We don't have a maid and no other family here so my husband and I are all she knows. She has been in school for almost a month and her behaviour has become so aggressive, I don't know what to do. She wets her pants deliberately (she is toilet trained) and she has told me that she is getting back at me. She is angry when she comes home, she cries just before going to sleep saying she doesn't want to go to school.

She only wants to go if I sit in the classroom with her. I have talked to her teacher but they said give her time. It is heartbreaking but there is nothing I can say that will convince her. She has a friend in another class and I have tried to change her class so that they are together but to no avail.

What should I do, short of stopping her from going to school?

[hen mother]

why put her at school if you do not have to?? 3 is very young no matter what we think.
in your case, I would wait till the end of the week ...if the situation does not get better, I would take her out without any remorse.
You can also start looking for another more appropriate school for her, they are plenty here and she may not like that particular school because of various things ( teachers, games, routines, ...) and we should always listen to a child when he says he does not like school.

good luck to both of you...

nb>School is obligatory from age 5 or 6 (depending on some countries)... before that it is up to you only. being able to keep one child's home when everybody enjoys it  is a luxury!

[rotinhell]

two choices:

1. pull her out, spend time with her, enjoy the time together.

2. put her in the class, firmly walk out the door. enjoy the serenity.

either way, she'll get over it.

[mum 2]

Sounds like she's a smart kid who can express feelings quite well and she is getting absolutely no benefit from school at this  stage so I would quietly arrange with the school to take her out for a while. In the interval, you could build up her relationships with some of her classmates with one-to-one  playdates so she gets to know them better. Can she start back on a couple of mornings a week? Why have you had no success moving her to the other class with her friend? Is the class full or are school not keen to co-operate? Depending on the reason, you may want to consider if this is the right school for your family.  When we went through a similar phase, my son's teacher got us to bring him in a little earlier than the other kids when he started back so the classroom was nice and quiet and he could help her with putting out activities.  If you keep her home for a while you could consider having a babysitter a couple of mornings a week at home so she gets used to another care-giver and realises that staying home won't mean she always has Mum's undivided attention. Does this school provide the environment she needs? Some kids at 3 need a very unstractured, free-play type environment where others are upset by too much noise and movement and like an orderly, very structured classroom. Give her a bit of time to grow up a little more and in a few weeks or months she may be asking you to let her go back to school with her friends.

[Her perspective]

Been there!!  If you want to stick at the school thing you have to be able to communicate with your daughter and understand what is going on from her perspective, the work to change her mind.  At a guess I would say she is feeling a huge betrayal (though it isn't really!! ) at suddenly being put into school.

I would suggest two books - Dr Phil McGraw/Family First & Dr Harvey Karp/The Happiest Toddler on the Block.  Read these with purpose & use what they suggest & you will get over this phase with your obviously strong & intelligent child.  Good Luck.

[question]

"What should I do, short of stopping her from going to school?"

Am wondering why you are so quick to dismiss the most obvious and probably age appropriate solution?

[SA chick]

I just want to say that I am having a very simular problem with my son except he is 4 years old.  He has started a new school as we have just moved and he has become so angry and aggressive and abusive.  I am at my wits end as despite showing love and attention and attempting to deal with his aggression in a calm manner there is no improvement.  I have no choice but to send him to school as he is school going age so I cannot remove him.  I try and understand from his perspective the stress that he is under, but I cannot allow him to be violent and rude and therefore he ends up spending too much time in the time out spot.  To a mothers plea, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I also understand what you as a mother is going through as I seem to be going through a simular experience.

[question]

" I have no choice but to send him to school as he is school going age so I cannot remove him."

Now this is a really interesting statement to me because the assumptions are:

(1)  All 4 year olds must be in school
(2)  Parents have no choice in this matter
(3)  There are no other options out there

I would say all 3 assumptions are incorrect.  If education is all about instilling a love of learning and curiosity about the world and sense of wonder and questioning...Well, kind of hard to do this if parents have given up questioning things themselves.

BTW, I am not saying that removing a 4 year old from school is the BEST option, because each person and family and situation is different.  

I am encouraging you to think.  Singaporean law does not dictate how expats educate their children.  Most countries do not care two hoots how citizens are educated when living overseas.  Most schools freely incorporate children from all types of backgrounds, especially in the early years.  From a legal and practical perspective, school is a CHOICE.  If it's a choice that you feel is in the best of your child, then fine, go from there.  Sometimes it is best to tough it out and get through the adjustment phase.

But don't limit yourself in making serious educational choices for your children on the basis that there are no other options.

[onlooker]

" he has become so angry and aggressive and abusive"

SA Chick - I think your son takes after your husband.  It's genetic.

[to: onlooker]

was that really necessary?? come on, grow up.

[hmmm...]

well SA Guy did once punch a hole in the wall because his baby was crying. I don't think it is genetic, I think he has learned by example.

[a Mother's plea]

Leave SA Chick alone, she is already going through enough without the catty remarks from some of you!

Well, the reason why I sent her to school was because she showed an interest and a capacity to learn new things. I sent her to a different school before where they allowed parents to sit in the class all the time. She is expecting that of me now.

[question]

To a Mother's Plea,

Ah...the fact that she is used to you in the classroom makes a lot of sense.

I would say that some 3 and 4  and 5 year olds are more than ready for school, others are not and it's like forcing a square peg into a round hole.  It can be done, yes, but not easy.  And it has NOTHING to do with how bright and curious the child is.

There are so many things you can do to teach a child informally at this age.  In fact, pretty much everything taught to kids in school at this age can be learned in some other way at home or with friends.

School and formal classes are only one way to learn.  Thing is, she will have 10 or 12 years of formal group education ahead of her--and this doesn't include university or formal skills training.   More than likely these 10 to 12 years will be spent in the company of her teachers and peers, so she will have plenty of time to develop peer relationships and learn to learn in a group.  She has plenty of time to learn to become independent from you.

There may be some other reasons why you feel like she really needs to be in school, and if so I think the sentiments expressed by Rotinhell hold true--tough it out and she probably will be fine.

My hope it that you think about why you are doing what you are doing.  So many parents jump on the preschool bandwagon simply because everyone else is doing it or because they have a bright child, without really considering if this is the best thing or not.  For some kids, the school environment is just out of sync with where they are at.  And sometimes kids resent having to give up their less structured days, which given how short childhood seems to be, can you blame them???

Best of luck.