Aggressive kid

[What do I do?]

How do I deal with my friend's son who has been "bullying" mine.  This boy is rather aggressive and would pick fights with kids  much older than him, if he has been slighted.  My son had been on the receiving end of his slaps and punches on several occasion despite adult intervention.  His parents are aware of his action, but is not able to control him.  I've asked my son to avoid him, but there are times during get-togethers that it is hard not to play together.

I do not know how to approach the parents on this matter.  How do I start?  I've "given permission" to my son to retaliate the next time he starts a fight.  I know it is not the right solution and I do not prefer violence, but feels that this boy needs to be taught a lesson.  

Any advice is most welcomed.

[kobi]

Maybe "retaliate" is not the right word. A suggestion would be to try and get your son to "assert" himself more. That is to say, when he get picked on, get him to say "stop it, I don't like it" or "it hurts when you do that". I also remembered reading in a book that if you try to get the  abuser to recall how they felt when they themself were hurt, it helps them to understand empathy for the victim. For example:
-Child A hits child B
-Adult step in a says to Child A " remember when Billy hit you yetserday and you cried.. it wasn't a nice feeling was it?"

Sometime a child pick on another child for attention, or lack the ability to address or redirect their emotions. They may also feel a lack of control over their immediate envionment, so they take it out on the person who is next to them.

Also try talking to the child's parent. I now that is easier said than done, but maybe there are some changes at home.

Everyone have a different methodology of parenting and ideas on disciplines, but telling your son to hit back could possible increase the problem and may not help your son to deal with other bullying problems in a more positive and constructive way in the future.

Good luck

[Sad experience]

To the original poster. Well I can only say you have to step in and act quickly.

I'm in my 40s and was bullied alot at school. I didn't know that I had to see my parents about it, I was too young, too scared. Throughout my teens I got bullied in school still. And I used to come home and bully and wallop my brother as a result. My poor darling brother.

It made made me a dysfunctional person for many years. There is a good point to this, 6 years ago, I rang my brother and cried and explained everything to him and we are talking today after not talking to each other for almost 15 years. I don't want to see that happen to your kid.

Speaking from my own experience, you MUST step in and speak to the bully. If necessary you have pull the guy aside (seeing his parents aren't doing anything about it) and almost be a "bully" yourself and say that if he lays another hand on your son you'll break his arms.

There's a fine line between a kid standing up for yourself and being bullied into insignificance. Stand up for your son now before it's too late.

Don't let him go through years of trauma that I went through.

[justine]

If it happens to your son without your presence, ask your son to tell him that his behaviour is due to his poor upbringing. His mother didn't know any better in bringing up her child. If it happens in your presence, you do the talking.

[Imagine]

What should I do,

Boy A bullies boy B. Boy B let boy A get away with it.

There are two problems to be addressed.
Boy A is a bully, boy B as afraid to stand up.

It is your duty to learn your son how to stand up against bullies.
He will run into bullies his whole life.
You might be able to eliminate boy A, but how are you going to eliminate all the future "boy A's"?

The fact that Boy A is a bully is not your responsibility, and you should not try to teach him a lesson.

So teaching your son how to hit back, kick back or stand up for a fight might just do the trick.

[This message has been edited by Imagine (edited 05-08-2003).]

[Sad experience]

Imagine. Boy B will learn how to stand up to bullies in his own time.

But if he's going to be bullied right from the start, he has no chance to develop himself. It's like a woman having a bad experience on her very first date or you being sacked 3 days after you get your very first job.

These are children- barely infants we're talking about. All that standing up stuff comes out as the child grows.

That's how violence starts in the world because of this "tough love" sh!t. We all start carrying guns and belting people up 'cos that's the real world we live in.

Original poster, don't listen to Imagine. Not at this juncture of your son's life.

[relevant]

How old are the children in the original post?

[How About?]

In my opinion, this is a situation that your little one NEEDS your intervention.  If not dealt with, your son may either lose his confidence and develop an inferiority complex, OR become the aggressor to some other innocent child / sibling.

When you witness your son being bullied, rationalise with the other boy that your son did nothing to hurt him, so he should stop being nasty.  And yes, I too agree that by telling him he would not like it if he was picked on himself.  This works with young children where they learn the cause and effect relationship.

More often than not, bullies are actually cowards inside.  They cower if they are challenged.  It is not your place to teach the other boy how he SHOULD behave but you need to instill confidence in your child that he needs to protect / defend himself, even if it means striking back.  

Having said that, you will need time and effort to help him understand that he must only DEFEND himself     and never ATTACK another boy for whatever reason.  When they grow up, they will learn by themselves, the variations to this rule.  That'll be his domain which he has to craft himself.

Hope this helps.    

[This message has been edited by How About? (edited 05-08-2003).]

[Grins]

Sad Exp.

You wrote:

Imagine. Boy B will learn how to stand up to bullies in his own time.
But if he's going to be bullied right from the start, he has no chance to develop himself. It's like a woman having a bad experience on her very first date or you being sacked 3 days after you get your very first job.

These are children- barely infants we're talking about. All that standing up stuff comes out as the child grows.

My response:

Children are growing from the moment of conception. At each stage in their development there are lessons to be learned. Some are tougher than others, but IMHO parents need to use every experience as an opportunity to teach some of those valuable lessons.

IMO, if you wait, the child gets the wrong message, and it will be hard to "unlearn" the subtle lessons taught at such an early age.

You also wrote:

That's how violence starts in the world because of this "tough love" sh!t. We all start carrying guns and belting people up 'cos that's the real world we live in.

My response:

WHOA!!!  

At best, this is a giant leap into maybespace. If you can prove (And I mean empirical evidence) your case, I will be happy to listen, but conjecture like this is too much for me to buy.

And regarding the following:

Original poster, don't listen to Imagine. Not at this juncture of your son's life.

My response:

I think that Imagine has done a very good job of summing up the options open to the original poster.  

[Wins]

Yeah right, listen to the maturity of Grins who has recently as 2 weeks ago got criticized by another poster for her stupid (oh sorry I mean "mature") smart ass remarks over a genuine query.  

[Grins]

Wow! Listen to the peanut gallery add more helpful comments.  

Obviously a sense of humour passed you by too.  Luckily, I got your share...
   

[What do I do]

to relevant -

the bully is 7 yrs old while my son is 8, but both are similar in build.  I'm never one to condone "violence" and had been advising my son to tell the bully off as how some posters suggested.  There had been several past incidents of this bully picking on my son, but the current situation is most severe in that he took one last punch at my son even while his mother was comforting my son!

What cheesed me off is that the parents do acknowledge that their son can be out of control, but are not taking definitive steps to address the problem.  It is true that this bully in actuality is quite timid, but tries to build an aggressive front and uses force to get his way (i've witness it on several occasion).

I had thought of "scaring" the bully, but do not thing this will solve the problem.    At the moment, my son is to avoid him whenever possible, and we are teaching him some self-defense!  As mentioned, he has been given "permission" to defend himself if verbal rebuttal is not effective.

Thanks to all for the advice.

[lolly]

Ok so you like being around your friend, but does that mean you have to subject your child to being with the "bully"? Leave him at home where he'll be happier and safer. This will avoid confrontation. And when the friend asks why you did'nt bring your son, tell her the truth!
If you do subject him to the bully, tell him to give the bully a warning of what will happen if he hits. And then by all means a good smack from your son to him will get the message across. Your child is defending himself.
The bully knows he can abuse your child AND the situation because your "friend" won't do anything about it. The bully is testing all parties in the room.

I know, because bully sounds like my nephew! My mom (his grandmother) does'nt put up with any crap from him and he is as good as gold with her. But you put him in the room w/ mom or dad and he suddenly turns mean and agressive. That's because he has no structure or discipline for his actions.

Some parents don't seem to realise it actually takes work...and not the kind of work that's pleasant ...like changing diapers!-ha
good luck