Help-hubby is indifferent

[14 weeks]

Hi,

I think I need counseling or something. I am 14 weeks pregnant and could use a little more affection sometimes. My hubby seems to be indifferent or even negative. He hasn't told his relatives, he doesn't want me to pick him up in the office any longer. He brushes of my fatigue as he has my nausea and other first trimester issues-they have luckily cleared up. My initial happiness about having the baby (our second one) has gone, and I feel unsupported and ready to jump off the balcony.
Is this a typical male thing or what?
I don't want to be pregnant anymore, and am feeling really depressed!
Is there anywhere I can go for counseling except SACAC-too expensive??
Thanks!

[Mr Hyde]

dont! jump off the balcony. write to my email address if you must but dont! jump off the balcony. maybe i can help.

[Carer]

I really don't know what to say to you that would be of any help at all but I did want to say don't let your husbands perceived negativity ruin your joy of being pregnant.

I say perceived because if you look at what you wrote in a slightly more positive light maybe he doesn't want you picking him up from work as he knows that you have been sick and don't need to be driving around the city when you aren't feeling well or   he didn't tell his relatives until the initial 12 weeks had passed and you were both fine (my husband didn't tell anyone as he is didn't want to jump the gun before everything was OK).

I don't want to write anything that may come across as patronising but just wanted you to know some cared.

Congratulations of your pregnancy, I think it's great.

[HangInThere]

Pregnancy can be a tough time. Remember your hormones are going crazy now that you're pregnant, and they can really affect your moods. Also, I know my second pregnancy was harder for me because I didn't get much rest (too busy running after my first child!), and I was really tired all the time.

Get as much help with your first child as you can, so you can get more rest. If you don't have anyone around to help, you might want to check out some of the drop-off child care options available.

Also, I don't know your situation, but be sure you're getting out and about and interacting with people. If you're home alone and you're lonely and/or bored, that can make you feel worse.  You could check out playgroups or playgrounds. I used to go to the Forum playground every day with my first child, just to get out of the house and chat with other parents.

There's a postnatal depression support group here in Singapore. I believe they meet at the Mother Child Centre in Tanglin Mall. Even though you haven't had your baby yet, I'm sure they'd be a good source of support and they'd have information about counseling options.

Also, consider discussing your situation with your gynecologist. He or she may have some good advice and could give you a referral to someone else if necessary.

[Loops]

That's bad of your hubby.  Was it a joint decision to have a baby, or a happy accident or something?  Perhaps he is going through that thing that the experts reckon some men do, where they start to feel rejected themselves because the woman is getting all the attention (men can be big babies themselves sometimes).

Don't jump off the balcony - write to Mr Hyde!

[talk]

hullo dear,

please ... talk to other people. try talk to your hubby if you can, or get others to talk to him.

my brother in law never wanted his second child either (he's apprently a fine dad with both now) and my sister in law went through hell with the perceived rejection.

hubby porbalby has his reasons. maybe none of them emotional and nothing to do with you.

but try seek counselling if nothing else helps.
and please people, don't always think it's the female pregnancy hormones yo-yoing. imo, that can can come across as patronising.

[Why not?]

Understand his feelings too? How dramatically things are going to change. How much more responsibilities there will be. How much more money it is going to cost and thus more pressure on him to provide. The feeling of being on a treadmill for how many years to come to take care of a larger family. And maybe yes, sudden realisation that with two kids and not enough time in the day, the relationship between wife and husband will be tested (all he has to do is read this forum on that). Maybe a little appreciation of these issues could help? Just a thought ..

[to: Why not?]

'Why not?' --
Your points are all well and good, but she didn't get pregnant all by herself, now did she?

To be fair to both, the husband needs to understand how his recent actions are making his newly pregnant wife feel but at the same time, the wife needs to be willing and able to listen to whatever the husbands feelings are too. Counseling for both may be in order.

[House Husband]

In answer to your question, no, Its certainly not typical of men in this situation.

Actually, that fact that he is indifferent would suggest that he has issues he is scared of addressing, and also, probably feels a bit helpless at this stage.

Was he a caring supportive husband before though? Did he ever show affection when you were feeling down, or has he always been a bit aloof?

If so, then sadly he is just continuing to be the person he was.

Either way, it does not forgive his attitude at a time when you are in need of all the support and understanding that you can get. Tell him just that. If he was always a bit of a cool calm collected chap, let him know that while you understand that is a facet of his personality, you need him to be more supportive, interested and responsive to your needs right now.

If he has gone through a change which has made him act unlike the person he normally was, tell him that too. Let him know that you are worried that he doesn't appear interested , that if he is feeling helpless , you don't need advice, just support and affection during what is a trying time.

He may also be going through the, "Oh God, kids , mortgage , getting old, life is over crisis" some men suffer when they realise they are going to be parents. Itll pass. Was the pregnancy planned, or a surprise to both of you?

If its a surprise, he may just be scared stupid over the sheer reponsibility of it all.

Either way, I hope you can work it out. Tell him you really enjoyed his input in the Research and Development module, but now that you have moved totally into the Production stage, you need the support of Human Resources, Logistics and Post Production Personnel.

Namely, him. Those jobs require hugs, loving remarks about how the Production Unit is glowing today  (Human Resources), the preparation of lots of decaffeinated coffes and biscuits , foot rubs, and constant attention. (Logistics)

Give him a job to do that makes him feel worthwhile, like preparing the baby's room if you're going to have a seperate one.  (Post Production)

Good luck and congratulations!

[BOB THE TROLL HUNTER]

give him some time, let him be himself.  As for affection, when my wife got pregnant for the fist time she went from affectionate to just plain demanding and silly.  Sometimes even men get sick of physical contact, hugs, etc.  It'll be fine, don't jump.  Take up Tai Chi, read up of feng shui and re-arrange his study to increase the flow of positive energy. all good.

[if@]

If this makes any better...

WIFE's DIARY

Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at
a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so
I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was
wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was
upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I
love u, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV;
he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 m inutes later he came to bed. I
decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with
the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I
too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND's DIARY

Today Manchester United lost the match. DAMN IT..!!

[good to laugh]

that was definitely a good chuckle-the diary-and so on target! I will send it to all my women friends who will nod their head knowingly and hopefully laugh. Vive la difference.......

[Some help I hope]

Went through a similar thing when newly pregnant with my second - due in 7 weeks.  Not that my husband wasn't happy about the pregnancy, just that, as with my first one he expected that I would not really skip a beat, would feel great & do what I needed to do to deal with the changes in the same non-eventful manner.  I perceived his attitude as indifference toward the pregnancy.

Unfortunately for us, not only was I dealing with a very different pregnancy (dog sick until 26 weeks), a move of country & a very boisterous toddler, I was also suffering antaenatal depression.  Experts are leaning towards it occuring to some degree or another in up to 25% second (& subsequent) pregnancies.  It requires professional analysis and in some extreme cases medication.  

Thankfully, for me seeing a psychologist was enough to get through the worst of it (the hormonally driven stuff) & also help me address the legitimate issues of the change that this new child meant for both my husband and I.  It gave me a framework to approach him with & sort through our issues (some of which were hungover from before we were married!!). Frankly we were both scared sh!tless & had no idea how we could ever find enough within ourselves to bring another little person into our family & still have time for the other parts of a life we love - including our own pursuits and identities.  Perhaps this is how your husband is feeling & perhaps you need to look deep within yourself to note what your own feelings are too?  

Someone mentioned a post natal support network in Singapore; they should also be able to provide support for antaenatal issues (it is the same 'disease').  Good luck to you & I hope the corner gets turned soon.

[tanya]

i can relate to the above post but i also found second time round that the "novelty" factor wasn't quite as strong so it wasn't that he was indifferent but just not as enthralled with it as before.

plus having a boisterous toddler means you're both pretty exhausted so you don't focus on the second pregnancy in quite the same.

i think he just didn't really register i was pregnant as he was so preoccupied with other stuff but i know he was happy in principle that we were going to be a family of four.

the reality is obviously a little more challenging and even after number two is born you realise they're not as taken with them as they were first time round.

again doesn't mean indifference -just a different set of circumstances.

but if it is getting you down -i agree with the others -tackle head on and suggest talking it through with each other and if that doesn't help then seek some professional assistance to help you get through what is probably just a lack of communication issue...

[Perception]

  Hmmmm - maybe it's just your perception - I mean you did say you could use "a little more affection" - does this mean that your husband is indeed affectionate - just not up to your standards ? Do you want him to jump out of bed every time and accompany you to the toilet when you have nausea ?
 It might be that you are expecting too much.
  Like someone said - the 'novelty' the second time around is gone but it does not mean your husband doesn't care.
  Have you talked to him cause it seems your problems are all from what you 'see' and feel - something that can be distorted with pregnancy hormones.