terrified of going to nursery

[InvisibleExpat]

Recently we moved our four year old quite suddenly to a new nursery.  This was because his old nursery suddenly told us (four days before start of term) that they couldn't open again for 8 t0 12 weeks because of stricter regulations since SARS.

My son hated the new school.  Refused to stay in to the point of screaming and crying if other children even tried speaking to him.  he went for five days and after discussions with the staff there we thought it would be best to take him out.  Mainly because it is likely that we will leave Singapore by January and so didn't see the point in making him suffer and then taking him out again.  he's now home-schooling and we will probably put him back in his old nursery once (if?!) that opens again.  

We're worried because this is all new.  When he first went to nursery last year, he settled in very easily.  I wouldn't call him an outgoing child but he is usually a very self-confident friendly little man who makes friends very easily.  That's why the experience was such a shock.  he was also getting nightmares and waking up and screaming besides absolutely refusing to go in.  it was certainly partly our fault because it was a bit rushed and we didn't take the time to prepare him properly (as we thought that, from past experience, he'd be OK).  The school is also different from his previous one in that it is bigger (there are classes for 2 year olds through to 6).  I wasn't there during classes but my wife was worried about the way the class was conducted (there seemed to be a lot of regulations for a nursery).  also my son is very mature and academically (and physically) quite advanced and compared to him the other children seemed to be, in my wife's words, 'like babies'.  in his last nursery he was the youngest child in a class of 4 to 5 year olds.  I think that made him develop differently, and now some children around his age are less interesting for him and perhpas a little scary as he doesn't know how to act towards them.

what we're afraid of is that this experience has traumatised him.  he's now saying that he won't go back to his old nursery.  and of course since we're moving to a new country in January then we'll have to worry about that too.  any thoughts anyone?  we're not really for the 'let him scream till he stops' approach.  i don't think that fits his personality.  we're thinking about talking to a counsellor/psychologist but are not sure if we can afford this.  any idea how much a session costs with one?  I guess my inclination is to see if he can be put up a year in whatever school he is in so he can be with older children.  Academcially he shouldn't have any problems and physically though he was the youngest in his class in his last year he was probably the tallest.  if we move in December/January it will be to Australia or the UK.  Anyone with any experience with nurseries/kindergartens there?  and would we be able to ask that he moves up a grade?

thank you all.  sorry for rambling on!

[sympathetic]

I do sympathise with you. How about keeping him with you at home for a while and try out other places? Most places will give you trial period of two weeks to see if the child can adjust well to the new environment. Good luck.

[Buffy]

Hi
I am in Sydney at present and spent a year in the UK when my daughter was ages 1-2, she is now 4. Your concerns are shared as I ponder the distress my daughter will no doubt experience leaving a pre-school where she is blissfully happy for a new school in a new country. There is a child in her class (4 teachers to about 22 children) that positively howls every single morning , on the other hand  my daughter  would cry if she couldn't go.

I can only guess at how frustrating this must be for you and your son. He  may seem physically and intellectually a little ahead but possibly you have overestimated his emotional readiness for this type of a challenge. It is so hard to be the new kid! (at any age). He may be very scared but unable to verbalise his fears to you.

To me January is a long way off and in a child's life it is, but  perhaps by then he will miss having  "school" and be ready to embark on a new adventure in new country!

Something that comes to mind from my limited experience thus far is that the UK and Australia differ in their approach to starting school age.
My understanding is that in the UK children begin their formal education at the age of 4. I think the school year begins in September.
However  here in Australia (NSW) that whilst a child may officially be entitled to begin primary school at the age of 5, it is the accepted practice to begin in the year they turn 6. The Australian school year is a calendar year, ie begining late Jan/early Feb..
The Sydney trend appears at odds with the UK in delaying for 2 years but I think acheives no worse result . Let me explain...although not compulsory children can attend pre-school ...at age 3-4 they do 2 days (9am-3pm) a week, and at age 4-5 they do 3 days a week. This prepares them quite well, many begin primary school with the basics,  beginning to read and write. Sydney parents seem concerned about doing their children a dis-service(S) by sending a young 4- 5 year old into a class of bigger, much more advanced 6 year olds, hence the tendancy to wait until the year they turn 6. They then use that additional year to prepare by going to pre-school as described above, and also supplementing their skills through music, computer, sport, dance etc. When I first read about this it sounded a little kiasu to me!, but it makes sense if your child is born late in the year not to make them start school with children who may be almost 2 years older. By  making sure your child will be among the eldest in the class it puts them at less risk of failure.This is compounded for boys by the current notion that it is wiser to start formal school later rather than earlier, in order to allow their social skills to catch up with their heights , and not set them up for a cycle of disruptive child/bad schooling experience.
I would suggest that you seek the counsel of some UK and australian primary school teachers as to their opinions. Your sons birthday may have a lot of bearing on what will be the best scenario in either country.
If you are coming to Sydney please be aware that it can be difficult to get a place at a local pre-school as it is the practice to register at birth...and at more than 1. This kiasu Sydney behaviour means that ultimately you may get in at the last moment into a pre-school of choice after the Kiasu mothers have had time to turn down the  5 surplus places their child has been given.

So my advice would be to make applications a priority and persevere as children do come and go all the time. There are also less traditional (eg steiner, montessori) pre schools and private pre-schools. You can get a full listing from the local council. The local community pre-school which my daughter attends has been great. It costs $30 a day...$600 a term (4 terms) but no meals provided. The school has a flexible arrangement so that the children can go into a slightly older group if it would be best.
So in order to find the best solution to your dilemma it might be necessary to start researching both the UK/Australian schooling systems now and work backward from there as to how to deal with the current dilemma.
all the best

[JD]

Just for your info in the UK all children age 3 and above are entitled to 5 free nursery sessions a week. If you do go back to UK you should be able to get your child into a nursery there and settle in without too many problems. It sounds like the disrutpiotn has certanly affected your child so maybe some time at home back in the comfort zone might be helpful. After a while he may decide he is missing the companionship of friends and might be ready to start again. Not worth pushing it though.