Peace at Home No More - Grandparents Visiting

[How About?]

I used to get along very well with my in-laws who live in London.  We would return to London to visit them and they too would come to Singapore, en route to other countries for their vacations.  I suppose conflicts are minimised because we do not live under the same roof.

Since they came over to visit their grandson a couple of months back, the situation has definitely taken an ugly turn.

Suddenly, as grandparents, they assume a more superior authority over how things should be done i.e. when baby plays and naps, how much milk baby should drink etc.  The most preposterous thing was being blamed for my son's dislike for water because he was breastfed 100% from birth till 6 months!! We started having fights over the baby, which deteriorated to disagreements about the maid, for example daily accusations that the maid did this and that => when baby cried after bath probably because of hunger, my maid was accused of deliberately using hot water to scald my son.  The latest fight we had was due to the escalating electricity bill which increased as the months went by - S$280 to S$380 to S$520. Why, because they have grown to dislike the maid and refused to let her wash their clothes.  This translated to the washing machine being run 4 times a day!

I have no more peace at home and am totally exhausted.  I am wondering if the arrival of a grandchild typically changes the family dynamics, whether it is for better or worse??

I don't see how I can be friends with my in-laws anymore.  They probably regard me as the disrespectful daughter-in-law from hell.  I, on the other hand, think they are the typical interfering parents-in-law from hell .... How on earth am I going to restore the peace at home?  Our relationship will definitely be strained further if this does not resolve before it's time for them to return.

[This message has been edited by How About? (edited 12-12-2003).]

[slang]

I feel sorry for your situation but went through the same only two months ago.
Both sets of Grandparents arrived in Singapore. One set staying with us & the newborn and the other set at a local hotel.
The only rules i lived by were that under the roof you maintain it is fair game for you to call the shots. DO NOT GIVE IN..
If the worst case happens - sounds like you are already there - ship them off to a local Singapore hotel - the piece of mind & establising your routine is the priority - they should understand - if you pay it's well worth it for the sanity & the sake of peace in the family!
It also blows over once they get home & you keep them fed with lots of photo's and videos of the newborn!!!
Good luck..

[Inlaws are for life...]

Hi,
I'm sorry you're are having an extra stressful time having visitors and a new baby at the same time.

By the sounds of it the inlaws have been with you for a few months, I would have thought that that length of time with visitors would have you exhausted even without the a new baby.

There are a few things which make these type of situations difficult:

The inlaws are with you in your life for a very long time and it would be sad for this souring experience to taint your relationship for the next couple of decades.  

Parents and inlaws can feel inherently more qualified on raising children and how things should be done based on their experiences 20 - 30+ years ago.  You are experiencing raising a small child for the first time and will have some doubts and feel really confident about other things.  They are probably commenting thinking that it will help you, even though you want to experiment yourself.

The inlaws are visitors/on holidays - you and your family and your helper are trying to live your everyday life.  You still have the stresses of day to day living where as they can just focus on very little things and soley on the baby, which is/are grating at you.

You need to sit down with your husband, yourself and the in laws and discuss that you are feeling distressed about their feelings towards how the house is being run and how the baby is being looked after.  Also to discuss what their plans are on going back home (tactfully).

If the inlaws want to do their own washing then they need to save up for a loads worth like anyone-else would.  It's not a hotel service you are offering.

I felt encroached upon by my parents and inlaws advice when my daughter was born and started to feel animosity, then when my daughter was only 3 months old my husband was in a lifethreatening accident.
The inlaws and myself suddenly had to stop focussing on little things and think about a very serious situation.  I realised how important they were in my life from then on and that all of the little things which seem like big things at the time don't matter.  Your husband, you and the inlaws have a long way to journey together, try and solve this situation as peacefully as you can.

[Gotta agree]

I love my in-laws but can't imagine having them to stay for more than a couple of weeks, never mind months.  Everybody does things differently, and if you are like me you like to be boss of your own territory.  Add to that a new baby and no wonder you are stressed out - sure fire recipe for Post-natal depression if not resolved.

Speak first to your husband, then together to the in-laws, before you go on a rampage round Cold Storage with a machine gun!

[mimo123]

Sorry to hear about your situation with your in-laws.  How much longer will they be here?  Will it be possible to arrange alternative accomodation for them, eg, serviced apts, hotel?

Does your spouse know about the problem?  Maybe it's better if both of you talk it over with his parents.  I had some trouble with my in-laws once and it got worse till hubby stepped in and asked his family to back off.  

If your in-laws are unhappy with you now, give it some time to rebuild the relationship  slowly.  We took several years to fix ours.

Good luck!