Babies!...when to have them?

[Sue C]

When to have a baby?

We have been talking about this recently and are in a bit of a conundrum (good word isn't it?).

I am 25 husband is 27 so both quite young.  My body has been getting quite loud about wanting to have a baby lately but my mind is both horrified and fascinated by the idea.  I have always had a vague dislike of both babies and children (with some notable exceptions)...and still seem to have this feeling.  Don't feel the need to cuddle other people's babies at all, and always say no when asked if I would like to hold.

Timing is OK, we are pretty well set up financially, we do have a large mortgage but husband's income will cover it and living comfortably, I have a job I enjoy which pays well (isn't really a career though), we own the car...financially it would be better to wait until we had paid off a bit more of the house though.

Husband seems amiable but he really is with most things, I think he would probably prefer to wait but he understands that once that 30 mark is reached we really need to get it sorted out.

I am not going to base my decision on whether or not to have children on the opinions of people on a message board but I would be interested to know what peoples experiences are with having children at either a younger/older stage and what the pros and cons are.

[kes]

I don't have any kids, nor am I married or have a partner BUT having just said that, I do know that there are certain health implications of having a baby at a later age, like over 30.  

The younger you are when you have a baby, the better you are healthwise when you are older.  Women who have a baby before 35, have a less chance of developing breast cancer in their later years based on what the doctors tell me.  This also lessen the chances of cervical cancer when you are older.  

So I think what I'm trying to say is that overall the chances of developing something when you are in your 40s and 50s is less likely when you have your first baby below 30.

[NewKid]

We have 2 kids - 2.5 and 0.5 yrs old. We had our first kid when we were both 29 and had been married for 4 years.

My advice to you :
- At 25 and 27 you'll are both still young. Enjoy life, party, enjoy each other's company for at least a couple of years more, if not longer. Yes, waiting beyond 30 is not reccomended, but you are just 25. You have 4 more years to play with.
- Kids are wonderful. But you can't "switch them off" or something when you need a break. Your life will change completely once you have a kid. We used to party a lot, always catch the latest movie etc. Well....we haven't set foot in a cinema hall in the last 3 years.
- A baby puts an enormous amount of strain on a relationship. You will be completely focussed on the baby and not have any time for yr husband. At times like this, what pulls a couple through is a strong relationship and memories of the good times that they had together.

I love my kids. But I am glad that we waited before we had them.

As I said before, my advise is :
- wait
- enjoy life with yr husband
- cement yr relationship
before having a kid.

There is no "Undo" option available once you have a kid.

[Sue C]

Should have mentioned that we are not really the partying type and have been around the world a couple of times.  Really we are deciding between a new kitchen and a baby...shocking isn't it!  Possible the fact that it is a decision should make it for us.

[SoSo]

I'll echo NewKid's comments. The relationship between you and your husband and your ability to be able to make free decisions will change dramatically with kids. Not saying it's bad - but definitely different and requires new skills and a LOT of patience...

Enjoy your new kitchen!

[Fat Bob]

Kitchen. I like the idea of being able to pack up and go wherever I want....that's not possible with kids.

However, other people think differently, so it's up to you and hubby. Best of luck whenever they do pop out!

[NewKid]

Fat Bob - I don't think that anybody on this board would reccommend that you have kids right now...or ever..      

[bunnychow]

Kitchen - hands down.

[elt]

Sue C

What's the story with time limit of 30 for having babies? You're putting yourself under enormous pressure, when you have all the time till 35 at least for a first baby.

Can't really comment on body noises about having babies, but this is a simple yes/no question, and once you know the answer, timing will come ....

Good luck with your decision!

[kes]

Sue C,

good luck with your decision.  But the ktichen sounds like a good idea.  

[This message has been edited by kes (edited 13-06-2002).]

[want_to_believe]

the kitchen, no question ...maintenance cost is  so much lower and You can give it back if you dont like it .

[Morrolan]

25! sooo young! wait for a bit... you still have lots of time.

agree with what's been said above: 30 is not the cut-off date, but it is a good idea to have your first child before you are 35.

go for the kitchen; the fact that you are debating it, means that the urge is not yet there... not really.

------------------
"Time wounds all heels."
--- Groucho Marx

[Indigo]

A friend of mine never wanted to have kids before until she met a wonderful guy who is her hubby now.  He has kids from previous marriage and a devoted dad.  That increases her confidence with a partner like him, she thought she could raise a kid together.   She needs that peace of mind having been raised by irresponsible mum.  Now that she is ready, she went to see a gynae and was told that her health condition will not guarantee pregnancy will survive.  it may always end up in miscarriage.  Alamak.. just when she thinks she is ready, emotionally and age-wise.  

My advice is do a full medical check up before you make your decision.  Doctor told her If she had wanted kids years ago, the success rate was stronger then.  Conclusion, the result of your health check-up may influence your decision on whether you can delay or not.

[Grub]

We waited 7 years before having our son at 31. My only thought is, "Why did I wait so long?"

[humid climes]

I understand your dilemma.  I gave myself a hard deadline of 35 to decide whether or not to have children.  Never especially wanted them but had a friend who at 40 was desperate to have a kid, couldn't and finally adopted from Guatemala.  With that example in mind I poked and prodded myself about my feelings.  Had the fascination mixed with horror.  But never really the urge.  My husband isn't interested, but would agree if I really wanted kids.  So far I still don't.  Now 37!  Figure the choice is made.  And I'm happy with that.  Never had my body tell me otherwise, although I'm not immune to a sudden thought that it might be nice afterall when I see my friends' kids being cute or affectionate to them.  Then the kid inevitably starts crying, whining or manipulating and the thought passes and I'm sure I was right.  For me.  I'm not a nuturer.  

However, my good friend had her first child at 40.  Her second a couple of years later.  Her kids are perfect and sweet and they almost make me want to give it a go.  Then I think about college bills and the teen years and spending all my discretionary income on them and I think the affection my husband gives me is quite satisfying.

Good luck.