To all Agony Aunts out there

[dreamy]

Need some constructive opinions here from those who been there done that...
Been dating a guy for past year now. have no doubt at all that he will love me forever and be there for me whenever. However, there are things that i cannot stand about him, temper, unreasonable, immature, etc., and there are times when i'm just really miserable! But, should i just be contend with what i have cos' i might not be able to find a man who loves me this much? should i continue this relationship and work towards marriage?

[Mrs. H]

If a guy makes you miserable (at all) then don't bother, marriage is hard enough, you need a better base, inorder to be happy, than you seem to have.

[Batwoman]

I feel in a relationship the other person should never make you feel miserable or lousy about yourself.  They should be there to make you feel happy and loved..why would they want to make you miserable??

Life is hard enough without having problems in a relationship.  Have you tried talking to him  about the issues that you feel unhappy about...he may not be aware that his behaviour is not that good unless you tell him and you may find out that there are some issues about you that he feel unhappy about.

If you can't get anywhere with him by getting him to talk...I think move on and wait patiently for that true love that will come by sweeping you off your feet (I am a romantic....)......who cares that you could be 60 years old by the time you meet him...it would surely be far better than being in a miserable relationship just because you are scared of being single?

[dolphin]

Ask yourself if you love him the same as he does?  Sometime people look for love at the wrong place especially when one feels miserable, unsecure or etc.  From your bottom of your heart, how do you feel about him?  Beside all the bad points, does he has any good points beside loving you head to teo?  Sometime is good to be single if you're unsure of this relationship.  No doubt, at times, you'll lonely but just keep yourself going.  Anyway, decision is yours, think it carefully before you decide on marriage.  Marriage will only be a piece of paper if both don't understanding the meaning of it.

[nualum]

Those traits that you hate are really serious. We're talking about basic character flaws, not dreadful taste in clothes or bad breath or smoking. Character flaws are at the core of the personality and are not easy to change. Matters of taste, bad breath, even smoking, can be changed or overlooked.

You would not be the first woman who held out hopes that she could drastically change somebody into the perfect husband. It is generally a false hope. Besides, marriage is not a reform school.

[Adders]

Do you love him because of the person he is, or because of how he makes you feel? Put another way, do you have really close friends because they are great people - interesting, intelligient, supportive, thoughtful, funny, or do you have really close friends because they will always be your friend even though they are bitches?
You need to love the person.

[Babettes Feast]

Never, never, never settle for someone who makes you miserable. This is as good as it's going to get. He won't change, nor will your feelings about his behaviour.

Rule number one: love yourself!

Life's too short to be miserable. Chuck him back into the pond! There's plenty of other fish out there.

[dreamy]

He knows that I'm miserable, and he claims that he is not aware of what he did to make me feel like this or even try to...
I mean, ultimately, isn't this what a woman wants, a man who will love her only and no other? i'm just afraid that i might regret later in life...I guess reality is far away from ideal, i'm too a romantic, but hey, tat's not fair, he said i'm the ideal person for him!

[Suzie Q]

dreamy ...sounds to me like he does not understand the way you are feeling and probably never will. You should be proud of him and all that he is now...not try to change him...He should know you pretty well by now and must be able to see this is bothering you. Never think that you should settle for "what you can get" as you will always regret it. Go with your instincts..they are rarely wrong. Imagine if you marry this guy and it doesn't work out...you will always end up saying to yourself, I knew I wasn't happy...why did I do it!
Suz

[richardrrr]

Looks like a woman's thread to me!

[dolphin]

Yes...most of the women would like someone to love her but this's not enough in a marriage relationship.  Follow your heart and take care of it.  Thought in this kind of relationship should fill comfy with each other instead of misery.  Think about it carefully and whatever your decision is, never turn back and regret about it.

[padi]

My english bf left me because of i suffered from Depression.Are all european men heartless when it comes to affairs of the heart?I am so heart-broken.

[kes]

I think you should be happy in a relationship.  There are the ups and downs but you have to be happy and comfortable with your partner.  When you are going through the down sides, the both of you should be working together not against each other.  He shouldn't make you feel miserable and lousy about yourself.  God do I know!!

Take care of yourself and be happy.  It will take some time to get used to being the opposite.  I know coz I'm still getting used to it!  But take care of yourself!!

I know this is really direct, but my gut tells me that you are in a somewhat abusive relationship.  The clue - he says that you are his ideal woman, yet he is making you miserable and doesn't know why.

[This message has been edited by kes (edited 12-03-2002).]

[dolphin]

Hi Padi,

Think you're generalising them.  Is not only english guys.  My ex was chinese in Singapore.

Some guys are not able to handle gals with depression 'cause  they've low EQ.  Some guys are indecisive to who they want to spend their life with.  Some guys are in depression mode themselves and require their gals to understand.

So, it all depend on different situation and circumstances.  Think it this way, you should be glad that he's not your husband 'cause he has a low EQ to understand your depression.  He won't be able to help you to come out of the depression at all.  

If he knows you're undergoing a depression, he'll be there for you but he didn't do that, I suppose or you've depended on him too much that he has no space for himself at all.

Anyway, don't depend too much on others to help you out of your depression.  If you don't want to come to realisation yourself, no one is able to help you.

Each relationship teach one something, learn from it and never make the same mistake again.

Get to know more friends, you'll feel better.  If you require to talk, you may talk to me anytime.  

[dolphin]

I do agree with Kes.  When a person is in the situation, won't be able to see the picture clearly.  When a person is outside the situation, one will able to see the whole big picture.  Dreamy, take care yourself.  If you need to talk to someone, you can always look for me, anytime.  

[This message has been edited by dolphin (edited 12-03-2002).]