To all Agony Aunts out there

[NewKid]

Some experiences from a guy - if you are interested.

My wife and I dated for 7 years before we got married, and have been married 8 years and are still going strong.

We love each other very much, and are totally committed, but there are some issues over which we have continued to fight/squabble over for 15 years.

For example - I am a compulsively tidy and organised person. My wife is compulsively untidy and disorganised. This has led to (and still leads to) huge fights. Seeing an untidy house makes me see red. We fight. She gets unhappy and miserable.

But that does not mean that our relationship is in danger. We are still each other's best friend and are miserable when separated (say if I am travelling).

I do not think that it is possible to find a partner who is 100% compatible. As long as you 2 are committed and have a good time together most of the time - go for it.

There will always be differences in behaviour and personality traits between partners. You both have to compromise. On some issues it works out. Example - I like sitting at home, and my wife loves socializing and going out. But neither of us are extreme. We have found a median which we are both happy and comfortable with.

On some issues a median is almost impossible to find. Example - for an obsessively tidy person like me there is no median - something is either tidy or untidy, there is no moderately untidy.

But that doesn't mean that we don't enjoy being married and are v. happy with our life together.

There will always be differences of opinion / behaviour etc. But that doesn't mean that you can't have a happy and successful marriage.

Dare I say differences are good. A marriage between 2 clones would be boring.

As long as 1 of you has the maturity to understand the difference between a fight  over trivial issue (no matter how earth shatteringly imoprtant it may seem at that moment), and the long term stability of a relationsip - GO FOR IT.

Best of luck !

[This message has been edited by NewKid (edited 12-03-2002).]

[dolphin]

Opposite attracts.  Both in the relationship require compromising.  If only one will to give in everytime and the other doesn't, think this person who give in will get tire easily.

[expat1]

I disagree with the generalization that opposites attract.  I think people are more likely to pick people with common values and similar desires/goals.  In some cases opposites may lust for each other, but I don't think that is a basis for a long-lasting relationship.  

[irma]

Dreamy - If your partner says that he doesnt know why you are upset, its possible that he really doesnt know.
Happens all the time. Women get angry with men. Men ask whats wrong. Women sulk. Reason: as if he doesnt know, he did that thing and now he acts dumb.
Many sulks later, I've realised that my partner is really clueless as to why I'm pissed. Its a Mars-Venus thing.
Trying spelling out whats really bothering you (as if explaining to a child, u said he's immature).
You need to assert yourself as well. Just because he has a temper, doesnt mean he can vent it on you. If you stand up to him, he wont be able to get away with, I cant help it darlin, its my temper. Nobody should be a human punching bag. There are lots of books on anger management that can help you thru this.  

[dolphin]

hm...think I've generalised it then...why I just put opposite attracts 'cause all the couples I know of have some kind differences from each other...one might be tidy and the other might not.

Well....think I should say most people who are together have some kind opposite attraction...at the same time, they've some kind of common values which are similar that move towards their goals.

[sharonmk]

Dreamy - your relationship sounds familiar to me. I was in a relationship which wasn't quite right despite the fact that he was wonderful to me, loved me to pieces and I thought I would never be loved that way again. He proposed - and I accepted.

And then I began to see more of what I had tried to rationalise away before - although he was great to me, he had a temper which was manifested towards people there was no advantage of being nice to e.g. waiters, golf caddies, etc. It always made me uncomfortable, and I began to wonder if one day he would not treat me the same. And we did have quarrels - unreasonable ones. Still I clung on because I subconsciously did not think I could afford to lose the one person who could love me this much. (And love will make everything all right, right?)

Wrong.

Love is not enough to make a relationship work. Compatibility is a key ingredient in a successful relationship.

And as for my worrying I will never meet someone as wonderful - someone wonderful is loving me right now, and so far we are doing quite all right.

Dreamy - believe me, there is never just "THE ONE" for you. If your instinct tells you something is wrong with your relationship and you can never work it out, move on. Don't worry about the future. There will be someone else...and you may be happier with this someone else.

(And another thing: you say he loves you, but you do not say you love him. Is the fact that he loves you more important than how you feel about him?)

But - just to be balanced here - I read a good book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Love" - by Richard Karlson (sp?) - what it basically says is that you should learn to separate the important stuff that you definitely cannot live with (e.g. differences in values, his abusive behaviour, etc), from the unimportant (e.g. you can't stand him picking his nose in public). So ask yourself if your misgivings about his behaviour is important. And then trust your instinct!

[This message has been edited by sharonmk (edited 12-03-2002).]

[mazza]

Rand

I really appreciated yout comments. Thanks for your wisdom, and the reminder.