The 51st State

[Joseph27]

All the way to the USA

July 06, 2002
MY fellow Australians. Don't think of losing five stars on our flag. Think of it as gaining dozens. Think of it as a profit of 46 stars. That represents a return on our investment of almost 500 per cent. And there's the bonus of those attractive stripes.

Yes, it does present a design problem for Washington, squeezing a 51st star on to Old Glory. There are five neat rows of ten and 51 isn't easily divisible. But if the Americans can put a man on the moon they can fit Australia into their flag. Sorry, our flag.
I discussed with cabinet the possibility of changing Australia's name to underline the new arrangements. Peter argued for Amstralia while Tony preferred Austerica. Finally, I concluded that no change was necessary. Australia will simply join the list of other states, like Texas, Kansas and California. With alphabetical order in our favour, we will enter the list at No 3, just after Alabama and Arkansas.
We will, over the next few months, continue with the evolution of our currency. Older Australians will recall us going decimal, when we swapped the pound for the dollar. So adopting the American dollar should be a doddle. True, our dollar hasn't been worth as much as theirs and there'll be a psychological problem when your weekly income and assets seem devalued by about 46 per cent. But think of it this way. A home that would have been unaffordable at $1 million will now be unaffordable at half price.
As I pointed out in my recent discussions with the President, or George as I'm allowed to call him, the discussions that had to be kept secret because of commercial confidentiality, any political, financial, cultural and social problems caused by the new arrangements will be minimal as Australia has been, for generations, a hybrid society, taking its inspiration and leadership from Washington and, yes, Los Angeles. The US dominates our cinema with about 92 per cent of the box office and a similar clout is observable in television, pay TV and video rentals. Our tastes in popular music and fast food are as American as apple pie. Admittedly, there'll be minor problems with our most popular sports – so we'll legislate to have union, league and AFL played by blokes wearing huge shoulder pads and crash helmets. And if my greatest hero, Donald Bradman, was alive today, I know he'd endorse my decision to have cricket played with baseball bats.
Baseball reminds me of the "three-strike" policy that we've imported with mandatory detention policies. Indeed, across the board, with our populist approach to law and order, we're already largely integrated into the US system of jurisprudence. Not only do our young people take the same drugs as American youth, but we follow the American example in policies of prohibition and interdiction. It's true these policies have proved as counterproductive here as they have in the US but we've shown our blind loyalty to Washington by clinging to them. Blindly.
What constitutional changes will be necessary? Surprisingly few. As Australians we'll become a state within the US, the Australian states and territories become redundant. No great loss, given that all of them are in the ALP's hands.
Talking of the ALP, we will be changing the names of our political parties. The Liberal and National parties will become Republican while what's left of Labor will be deemed Democrat. This means that I, a lifelong monarchist, will have to become a Republican within the world's greatest republic. I've already had a chat to Peter Hollingworth about this. He's promised to mention it to the Queen. It will not be necessary for Mr Hollingworth to hand in his hat with the ostrich plumes. We'll fit out Yarralumla as a museum and Peter can stay on as the doorman. In other words, there'll be absolutely no change to his status.
Saying goodbye to Her Majesty will distress many on my side of politics. But it's swings and roundabouts. They'll be thrilled by the reintroduction of capital punishment and, of course, by the dumping of all those left-wing trendies in our High Court. Michael Kirby, Mary Gaudron and the rest will be replaced by the solid conservatives in the Supreme Court who, voting on party lines, made my friend George President in the first place. Thus showing their complete contempt and indifference not only to the voters of Florida but to the entire US. They're the sort of judges Australia needs.
Along with those nourishing hamburgers, finger-lickin' chicken and the fine pizzas cooked for us by Pizza Hut, a wholly owned subsidiary of Pepsi, Australians consume more Coke per capita than anyone on earth, including the denizens of Atlanta. US-style clothing has been as mandatory as detention in this country for many years. I myself have two pairs of Levi's while my children have, from time to time, reversed their baseball caps. I'm also proud of the Reeboks in which I practise my US-style power walking in the morning. Thus the cultural transition is all but complete.
One problem, however, must be dealt with. Our quaint habit of driving on the left side of the road. While we have this in common with Britain and one of our principal trading partners, Japan, I've been forced to agree with President Bush that to have just one American state keeping to the left would be untenable. So we'll begin a period of transition as of next week. On Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays, we'll drive on the left. And on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays we'll drive on the right. Just until we get used to the idea. Fortunately our car industry is dominated by Detroit so there will be no trouble in modifying the Commodores and Falcons.
Australia can now shelter comfortably beneath the US nuclear umbrella. As of today, we are a nuclear power. And my colleague, Senator Robert Hill, has already announced that we favour a first-strike capability. We will maintain our bicameral political system, the House of Reps becoming the Congress and the Senate remaining the Senate. I, of course, will cease to be Prime Minister. No, it doesn't mean I'm handing over to Costello. It simply means that as of today, I am the Governor of the 51st state. And as the Governor, I may well decide to run for the Republican presidential nomination in due course. President Bush has promised that we can have a primary just after New Hampshire. And if Bill Clinton, the governor of a minor state, can make it to the White House, why can't I? In the US, age is no barrier to the highest national office. Look at Ronald Reagan.
So there. We're now locked in to the world's greatest economy. Our farmers can enjoy unlimited access to the US market and I can look forward to another 15 years of active political life. Have a nice day.

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This was written in the Australian Newspaper by Phillip Adams on Saturday 6 July 2002. It is worth a read

[KatyF]

I've heard similar rants by Philip Adams over the years but have yet to hear how he would make Australia more Australian.  What should he suggest, do you think?  Kids wear cans of Fosters round their necks when they go to school?  Foreigners are fed their first rat's coffin when they get to customs?  All Yank programs are banned and instead we get superlative homegrown shows like Home and Away and Water Rats?

But he does have a point.  Used to live in Freo and when West Coast US sailors came ashore, they would always say that Perth reminded them of a California 20 years ago (although how they'd remember this is something of a mystery as most were 18 with boils on their necks).

[HaileysMom]

Where did Alaska go? Wouldn't Australia be 4th?  

[Joseph27]

I would agree that Philip Adams does speak out a little too frequently on such matters but I do like the way he writes sometimes - he appeals to my liberal heart - just not my right wing nasty conservative brain  

Did you happen to catch Paul Keatings speech in Western Australia. He also attacked Howards crawling into Bush's nasty little mindset.  

"...It may think that it can exist like a gated community behind the golden padlock of national missile defence, with a military able to strike out at offenders in a Mad Max world left outside, but that will not secure its people, and it will certainly not secure us," (Very astute Paul)

He accused the US of ignoring rules of national sovereignty, and seeking to weaken treaties that could help to control rogue states. "We need to ask ourselves whether US exceptionalism is an adequate central organising principle on which to build a new world," Mr Keating said.

The former prime minister said that while the US was the last great ideological power, Mr Bush's rhetoric did not serve Australia, or other great cultures such as China, India and Africa.

Mr Keating lamented that the International Monetary Fund had become an arm of US policy, and trade barriers were re-emerging, but warned against Australia seeking a free trade deal with the US.

"Australia's salvation does not lie there," he said.

"A free trade agreement with the United States that requires us to abandon the social safety net of the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme – as the American pharmaceutical industry is demanding – is not worth having."

Mr Keating said that while the US would be a major power for as long as anyone could see, it would not be the only power.

"Australia's security and our prosperity, as always, will be best found, and most easily negotiated, in the region around us, in Asia and the Pacific.

"That is where Australia's interests coalesce, and no amount of squirming or denying or pitiful claims by the Howard Government, that Labor had an 'Asia-only' policy, can change that."

Mr Keating accused conservative Australian governments of historically relying on a foreign policy based on the need for great and powerful friends to protect us.

He said it began with Robert Menzies, and continued today
**************

I miss having someone with Paul's vision in the lodge.  Arrogent yes - but with a view to a future as a middle power - not just a 51st state that can become part of the union.  

[Fat Bob]

OI!!! Buggar off, the UK is the 51st state!!!

[Sue C]

But surely Joseph if we have become the 51st state it is because most Australians either don't mind or are happy to go along with the states.

Last time I checked Australia was a democracy and given that the last election was less than a year ago, most Australians must be happy with the Howard Government.

There are aspects of our involvement with the US that I don't like, but I think if we have to choose friends (and I believe we do) then the US is the way to go.

I assume you voted Labor at the last election?  and that you will be actively campaigning for change in our government?

The problem with a democracy is that the majority rules, sometimes this is a bad thing, but the alternative is worse.

At least under the Australian and US systems you are allowed to object.

[KatyF]

I seriously believe that if Paul Keating were brought back as a contender, Labour would get in.  Fact is, most people don't like/trust Howard, but reckon he's better than Beasley (and that's pretty sad, isn't it)!  And fact is, that although Paul Keating may be Mr McBain's Australian alter ego, and some loathe him, many think he's terrific.

[Burbage]

sorry to tell you this, but Ireland is the 51st  state.

[Joseph27]

SueC I can assure you that I did not vote ALP last time.  I will admit standing in the ballot box at Napier rd wondering who the hell I should vote for but I just couldnt vote for Beazley.

I liked a leader to be strong - Howard may have few morals and maybe a poor leader but I would prefer him to what the ALP offers.
Keating was a champion - someone who could make you feel proud to be Australia - that is of course unless you also go along with Howards views.

[Sue C]

Mmmm...didn't like Keating but I was actually too young to vote when he was around so it didn't really matter.

I think Howard makes the unpopular decisions and you have respect somebody for that when their job relies on being popular.

Beazley earned my disgust when h backflipped just before the last election on the whole boatpeople thing.  I think border control is a good thing, maybe we need to work something a bit more humanitarian out but there must be control.  But to change his tune the way he did in a blatant grab for votes was just wrong.

[Joseph27]

Mmmm...didn't like Keating but I was actually too young to vote when he was around so it didn't really matter.
I think Howard makes the unpopular decisions and you have respect somebody for that when their job relies on being popular.

I honestly dont mind politicians make the unpopular decisions - just so long as it takes the country in the right direction. Paul Keating saw Australia as being more than a 51st state or former part of the empire.  Honestly Howard doesnt do that - he takes unpopular decisions but when push comes to shove, he reverts to the person he is - ie.  Tampa disgrace.  

I find him beyond words - the most destructive PM in the countries history.  But you are right in pointing out Beazley - that backflip delegitimised him - pathetic

Dont know what Costello would be like but the way things are going Howard may start to believe that people actually like him

[boardsurfer]

J27

Why do you find Johnny the most destructive PM in the nations history?

That is a big statement to make as it is usually hard to compare PM's to PM's because of the simple fact that the state of the world is never the same...you are never comparing apples to apples.

But I am genuinely interested to know what he has done that is so repulsive

[Sue C]

Joseph,

I hate to point this out to you but many people DO like him.  Where I live used to be considered a "safe" Labor seat, it is still a Labor seat but only by the skin of their teeth.

I think most Australians deserve more respect than they are given.  I haven't spoken to anyone in this lower middle class suburban neighbourhood that doesn't think that we need to behave better towards refugees, whilst at the same time controlling people smugglers.  And a whole lot of these same people are sick and tired of being called racist red necks, by the Labor party.

Howard has support out here in LABOR'S heartland, TAMPA was a mistake, it could have and should have been handled better.

What does make people angry is the ALP's shift recently.  They just don't seem to have any idea what life is really like for most people.

Australians don't mind sharing, I truly believe that, and I also think that the average Australian, NOT the minority who live in Paddington/Mosman deserve to be able to voice their concerns without being labeled racist.

When the majority of immigrants (illegal or otherwise) start settling in the above areas, then the people who live there can comment on what we SHOULD be doing to make them more welcome.  As it is Sydney's West bears the brunt of migrant intake and unrest...this has its high points as most people get on OK.

Anyway what I am trying to say is the reason that Howard did so well on the back of TAMPA isn't because we are a bunch of racist bigots but because he actually seemed to have some grasp of the reality of the situation for most people.

I know I am not terribly coherent this morning, but that is because I haven't had my coffee...

[boardsurfer]

SueC

TAMPA was handled badly or it was a mistake, or both?

I don't think it was a mistake I think it was handled badly.  And this is irrespective of political ideology.

Rightly or wrongly, the Australian Govt had to show the world that it would not be an easy dumping ground for anyone who wanted to escape their circumstances, jump a queue and sneak into Australia. If they had let is happen they would have opened the flood  gates from all around the world.

I am a strong believer in helping those less fortunate, but I am equally strong in conviction that you need to protect your borders and those that have the legal right of abode.

[Sue C]

***urfer,

I agree, sorry I wasn't terribly coherent in my last post.

The TAMPA could have been handled better in that putting the captain of the ship in the position that our government did was a bit mean.

However I don't know what they could have done that would have been a better and acceptable alternative, so I will keep my criticism of the situation to myself.

This is something that really really annoys me about the situation in Australia at the moment, everybody hates the detention/pacific solution but nobody has suggested anything even approaching a viable alternative.

It would seem some would have our borders opened with people free to come and go as they will and this just is not acceptable to most Australians.

(I am sorry I keep referring to "most Australians" and I don't presume to speak for everyone, but I do think I am somewhere in the middle and so maybe have a better grasp on the real life position of "most Australians" than the people who advocate an open border policy.)

We know we are lucky and have things pretty good, but has anyone stopped to consider why that is?  Isn't it because that is the way we want it to be and work towards that?  Australians are entitled to feel apprehensive about losing their culture and many question that if the cultures that people are running from are so wonderful and they should be able to keep them here then why are they RUNNING?