Leanne, my heart goes out to you because I have myself just got a maid for the first time and have been almost as concerned about getting one who doesn't cause problems (not even expecting a good one!) as for our first born I am expecting (which is why we now need a domestic).
When I read this I think of the earlier post I contributed to and would like to reiterate my point for the benefit of so many well-meaning expats who've had their good faith abused by their help.
In my earlier post I said that Singaporeans often avoid maids who have previously worked with expat families because many of these women have become spoiled. Before you raise your heckles, let me explain.
I'm not advocating the cruelty and horrendous treatment you read about. NOT AT ALL!! But expats have to realise that the help here is not like your cleaning lady back home who just lives down the road and is on a par with you intellectually, socially and financially.
Remember that Asians still come from a very hierarchical society and a clear delineation between employer and employee must first be established. Then once trust is built, the formality can recede. It is no different from any other employer-employee, "superior-subordinate" relationship actually.
When I was in the Middle East, I noticed that the local men often touched female European tourists and were very friendly with them, sometimes becoming a little too familiar with the ladies. The men would never do that with their own women because their culture and religion doesn't permit them to. But Westerners come with their own mores and "allow" such familiarities and the locals then don't know there are any borders and end up going overboard.
My husband's family help has been here for 7 yrs and is mutually considered part of the family. She's like a daughter. But at the same time, she has the discretion to know that she is still an employee and we love her for that. She has a day off eventho Indonesians are not entitled to one but because she has earned our trust.
My mother was a school teacher for some 30 years and she always started her first week appearing firm but fair, establishing straightaway who was in charge. Naturally as she bonded with the often troubled teenagers over the months, she could show her softer side and by the end of the year, they loved her like a mother and many still visit her with their spouses and children to this day.
The help here needs to know very early on who's the boss. If an employer lets her off too lightly, she will get smart and take further liberties. Many friends and people on this board have found that once these maids have their day off, the trouble starts. They "get ideas" from other bold helpers, they find "nocturnal employment", they take on boyfriends and why not? They've been given so much latitude. I know a family who gives the maid off every night and the weekend too. I only hope that this does not end in sorrow for them.
The maid agency I use very specifically instructed me not to give my Indonesian time off, which I myself felt rather bad about. This agency actually organises Sunday activities and advises employers to send their maids to these BBQs etc so that the women can have time-out but at least be supervised.
I know many reading this will react in horror but maybe you were lucky your help didn't take advantage of you. Just think of these young women as French au pairs who are after all, young teenagers who want to have a good time in another country but they're here first of all to work and do a proper job.
Like expat said, you would fire a bad employee in any circumstance, whether domestic or office.
Be wary that she may be undermining (deliberately or otherwise) you as your children's mother or indirectly teaching them that your instructions can be ignored willy-nilly.
