Maids

[Wondering5]

Don't want to start a rude debate,but I was wondering about this whole maid issue. There are wives here who donot work, but have maids and some have more then one maid. I have seen some maids that do all the cooking and cleaning and watching the children and food shopping and take the children to their doctors appt. The maid does everything, what does the wife do all day? Since my spouse works and I donot work outside the home I believe it is my job to do all the housework and watching the children, food shopping, doctors visit etc. I feel like I have accomplished something.  Then it makes the marriage equal. we are both doing our part.  If I had a maid to do everything I would feel I was only taking and taking from my spouse and not giving anything back. Not helping in any way.  The maid would just be another mouth to feed more money out of my sposues pocket to make him work even longer while the wife goes off shopping and playing golf all day. I do believe that all wives need a break from the kids and the housekeeping at times and need time for themselves. I am not trying to stir up a huge debate. I just donot understand the thinking. I am far from home and have lived in alot of places where I had no family and no friends and I never used the excuse to my spouse I deserve to have a maid and spend all my time shopping and golfing because I am away from family and friends. I have known spouses that use that excuse. Just wondering is there anyone out there who has the same views as myself. Almost every person I know has maids.

[Hmmmm]

You are like me but remember we all have different personalities etc. I don't use baby sitters either so it is the kids and us always or one of us stays home and the other goes out. When they are older I will use sitters but I would feel more comfortable with grandparents. I guess this is one of a million reasons why some people have maids-there have been dozens of times where if my mum was around I could have had her look after the kids for an hour for doctors appts and medical emergencies when the kids are sick but instead it is kinda of one in all in together. Some people rely heavily on a family network some people don't. Also  housework isn't fun-who would rather read to their child for an hour than iron for an hour? Each to their own I say. Then there are single parents, those families where both parents work etc-different people different choices.  

[Hi there]

Well , one thing is that since you are away from family  and the fact that most people who work travel a lot ahere, it is comforting to know that in the case of an emergency- there is someone in the house who will take care of the kids. or if one child needs to be hospitalised and one parent is not in town  atleast you dont have to worry aboutthe other child. These are just a few scenarios when having a maid could be a blessing.  Off course the ability to have a baby sitter on tap  is good too.
I dont know any one with maids who play golf & shop all day every day. In fact most ladies I know who have maids are very dedicated mothers, who cook & clean as well and do the groceries & doctors appointments.
where do you live ? & who are these wonderful people with whom you are socialising? I am sure they are more the exception rather than the rule. Dont assume evryone is the same .

[Coaster]

Wondering5:
Yes, every husband.

[skank]

This one will get me flamed for sure but...
I like having the maid more than the wife,  because it truely frees me from the having to share the load when I get home from a long day at the office.

Typical Scenario w/o maid. Wife cooks while trying to watch children or I come home get zero down time & watch children while she cooks; we eat, I wash dishes while wife spend some time w/the youngster( ie: I come home & go right back to work)

Typical Scenario w/maid; Wife cooks nice dinner while maid takes youngster out to play w/neighborhood kids or vice versa.  I come home & chill out for 15-30 minutes then we all eat together(maid included). Maid cleans up kitchen while we both to do something fun w/the young one; take a walk, read a book, drive over to see the Xmas lights etc

& on & on like that; you get the picture.

[another American]

My husband was the one who insisted on getting a maid for the same reasons that skank mentioned.  In addition to that, there are no drive through banks, restaurants, dry cleaners, etc. and every errand takes much longer than it would in my home country.  No super WalMarts here!  In addition to all this, I am so excited that my children now get the best of me because I don't judge everything they do by how big the mess will be afterwards.  The maid gets their snack while I give them my total attention - how is that bad?  My maid is an occasional baby-sitter, but there is no confusion over mothering responsibilities.  The comments about having the maid as an emergency back up are very valid, also.  There are big advantages and disadvantages to being an expat.  A good maid is one of the advantages that helps to offset the disadvantages.  Having extra time to spend with you husband will be EXTREMELY important if you value your marriage.  The stresses are just different.  I do understand that expat wives have a bad reputation - and some of it is deserved, but most of us are just trying to do the best we can for our family.  Some people are more comfortable with maids than others - and that is okay.  Just remember, things are different here than in most expat home countries and everyone deals with it in their own way.

[What?]

If my wife would hire a cute one I would like it more

[with maid]

why live without a maid when you can have one.  I don't work and my husband earns huge money here.  I thought about cleaning etc, but why should I when I ahve the option ...  and prefer not to.  I don't have children, but I can actually read the paper with my coffee, rather then the headlines, spend a few hours each day exercising and doing good for my body, take numerous courses to stimulate my mind - ones completed so far are advance photography, mandarin, cooking, and catch up with my friends when-ever they are free.  I enjoy planning our meals (even though our maid cooks), I work for a charity 2 days a week which leaves me feeling even more alive and I spend the rest of the time making sure my husband is happy and enjoying life as much as me, becuase it is him who allows me to enjoy my life.  I only get pissed off when I here people who are bored with their lives .. because with a little guts ... there is allot of glory and sunshine to be shared!

[Rosie]

I have a maid, and I think it makes me a better, calmer more relaxed parent.

Before we got our maid, I was looking after my son (0-1 yr old); when he napped I would be rushing to do the laundry or washing up, and maybe trying to get a shower before he woke up.  After I put him to bed at night, I would then start preparing the evening meal, with the result that we never ate before 9 p.m. and once washing up was done, had little time left before falling exhausted into bed.

Now I have a maid, I am able to spend quality time with my kids and even get some relaxation myself.  Now that we have a newborn as well I don't know how I'd cope without a maid.

Yes I know it's a luxury - and it certainly is a reason to stay in Singapore, but my husband and I both agree that it's a luxury worth paying for as it enhances both our qualities of life.

One day I might even have time to get out for a round of golf.....

[Coaster]

I do not think there are any just criticisms directed at wives who have maids and there are very sound reasons given above by wives who are well organised and blossom when they have assistance - and as a consequence their husbands and kids benefit. Generally if the wife is happy, an expat life can be very successful and enjoyable. This assistance is especially important in the absence of family close-by.

What is equally important, however, is to recognise the wives who take a hands-on approach and do it all themselves. This recognition is very important and the enormous task they take on should not be taken for granted.
A timely heads-up for the least discerning husbands.

[brussels]

Some very good responses! I think it's all a matter of balance. I lived in S'pore and had a maid since my husband traveled much of the time and I had 3 small children. I was a luxury to have the maid to do the cleaning and some of the cooking so i could truly enjoy my children...since only 1 parent was home much of the time, I was able to give them my undivided attention. I was a happier person and better wife because I wasn't doing everything. I will returning to live in  S'pore next month and will hire a maid again...even tho my children are older, I still think it is a wonderful luxury that I may only have for the time i'm living there. In Brussels, I pay as much for a cleaning lady to come a couple times a week for a few hours as I would for a live in maid in S'pore. Life is too short to spend it cleaning....

[well]

.....even for the maids.

[wondering5]

How do you cope when you get back home. I have heard it is hard to go back to all the cooking and cleaning and not having a maid  when you go back to your home country. Even in our home country my spouse is gone alot for weeks at a time for business and I donot have family near, so I just do everything myself and I donot  think it makes me less happy or anything. I have a better understanding of the maid issue. It is hard to be here with the spouse gone alot and have to drag young ones everywhere. Coaster that was a very nice comment you made about wives who do everything without having maids.

[Colleen]

We are from Ireland and I can tell you that after leaving Singapore and being posted to the US, it is true that it is difficult to adjust to not having a maid coming in!

We have no family in this country, finding it hard to make a real friendship rather than a superficial one with many of the people we've met here.  Hubby works overseas and travels domestically most of the time and with not much of an expat population here (we live in the suburbs)  I'm getting bored silly. I can't work here either and as I no longer have little ones I can't really justify paying US$12-15 per hour for an illegal to come and clean part-time here.

Most of our neighbours are out at work all day, unless they've retired and now they've cleared off to Florida for the winter! My kids are now in their late teens (one has gone home to university). I don't even have that network of mums to make friends with - everyone my age is out at work and employs part-time help for their homes.

I hate housework - always did - so spend too much time on the internet whilst the house gets dusty. And I don't care!

Enjoy Singapore while you can - I had such a 'cossetted' time there and those days are sadly over...

[oldy]

i guess it is to do with different mentalities.
i have a part time maid (4 afternoons a week). i hate cleaning, but i do like it clean. she cleans and irons. i do all the rest (cooking, driving the kids ...)
but i also have the privilege of having grown-up kids. they don't need me around most of the time.
also, most of the expats here have very good life, much better than they had at home.
they have nice salaries, they don't have to pay for rent, maintenance, school, car... and some do have another income from renting their house/apartment back home.
so maids come with such luxury.
expats from my country found it very hard to go back home. the apartments are smaller, the salaries lower, and in the end of the day they had less money and less spare time (not to mention - no maid...).

[This message has been edited by oldy (edited 05-12-2002).]