Are expat wives like the "Stepford Wives"?

[Debbie]

Hi - my husband has been offered a post in Singapore and I will have to resign from my admin officer's job in the Civil Service (social security office) in England if we decide to come over.

I'm a bit concerned about what the expat wives are like though - and I'm not sure if I will find it comfortable or not. I just have this vision of snobby groups of women with plummy accents who get together for golf or tennis parties and lunches who don't want to know you if you didn't go to the 'right school'. (I'm under the impression that the bosses wife in Singapore is like that). And I keep thinking of that "Stepford Wives" film about those 'perfect' wives & mothers who have 'perfect' kids, cook great food, are great in bed and actively get involved in their community. (Although they had all been lobotomized!)

I'm just an ordinary person from a working class family who went to a comprehensive school, but I don't have a degree and I hate sports. I'm also hopeless with domestic things like cooking and sewing -(but despite that my husband loves me!) My evenings are spent catching up on the housework, watching tv or going to see a movie or have a quiet drink in the pub. Would I fit in if I come to Singapore or is it just going to be a disaster?  

I'm not into sports, went to a compehensive school and didn't even take a degree course.      

[Bewildered]

I suspect you are about to be innundated by a flood of replies from female expats who claim they are just like you. There are tens of thousands here, so very hard to generalise, although I suspect the majority, by virtue of their or their husband's occupations, are middle or upper-middle class.
I think you will find some Stepford Wives, but many Eastenders as well.

[Yes and No]

Debbie

To be honest, yes, there are a whole bunch of expat wives here like you fear, but then there are probably their equivalents in the UK as well, and I guess you dont mix with them there.  

But theres also a whole bunch of what I guess you and I would call 'normal' people from ordinary backgrounds, who wouldn't be employed as newsreaders, and had 'ordinary' educations (dont think I even know where  most of my friends went to school).

Its up to you which 'type' you want to socialise with - just got to find your own niche, same as anywhere.

Don't worry - just get out here and you will find your own circle - it really is quite a friendly place...

[Aikon]

Do come over and get in touch with me,we will have a great time......its true their are thousands of expats here and we are all just normal people leading normal lives .....Singapore would be a boring place if it was full of British Club Expats....

(Sorry to Members of the BC but would you really pay $8000 in the UK to sit and stare)

[Expat wife]

Hi Debbie,
Come on over! I went to a comprehensive school and have no degree. Can't cook, can't sew. I hate bridge, don't play golf or tennis. I certainly don't speak with a plummy voice and my accent gives my home town away immediately even after 5 years out of the UK. I have gone from being raised on a council estate to life here with a maid.
Unfortunately nights in the pub now we have a young baby are out of the window.
Only problem you have to contend with is, if you are not going to work finding yourself stuff to keep you busy. There are plenty of courses etc you could do, volunteer work etc. Shopping gets old here, real quick.
When you arrive, join ANZA (Aussie/NZ Assoc) which is open to anyone plus the Brit Assoc and get involved. ANZA have casual coffees that you can attend which is a good way to meet other women in same situation. I'm sure there are some wives who have plummy voices and have nail polish that matches their outfits but I tend not to move in their circles!
By the way we are also members of the British Club, they have great facilities, useful if like us you don't live in a condo. They have "normal" members there too.

[Sharon]

Hi Debbie
I too felt a bit like you, worried I wouldn't fit in.But if you are prepared to make a little effort you will soon meet the kind of people you want to mix with. Myself and Aikon will show you the ropes if you want !!
Don't worry, Be Happy !
Sharon

[Claire]

To Aikon - Strange that you don't agree with sweeping generalizations about expat wives but will happily make them about BC members......!

[PhilM]

Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.

                           - Voltaire

[London Lassie]

Debbie - don't let your pre-conceptions stop you from looking forward to coming to Singapore. I was very hesitant to come here as I thought like you did. I was flown here for the weekend to check out the place and taken to the British Club, Raffles and brunch at the Ritz, now what kind of impression do you think I got from that!  There are a lot of snobby people here, but no more than I found in my home country. There are a lot of down to earth people here, both expat and local. A lot of what you are anticipating is "old hat". I am from a similar background to you, there are a lot of people like us and one of the most precious things I have here is the amount of Aussie friends I have made. You will probably find that the majority of them are extremly outgoing and friendly,down to earth. There are also a lot of Brits here from a similar background to you. Sorry - don't know any Aamericans - maybe they are all down the American club!!

[Indignant]

Well I don't know about the rest of you, but I for one love tennis, have a great son, am a fab cook (with a bit of help from Delia), am great in bed (although I don't like to brag) and I'm even involved in my community even though I've only been here 8 weeks.  I'm working on a plummy accent, but as I'm an Aussie this is hard.

Honestly Debbie I think you can be whatever you want to be - and be proud of it no matter what that is - and I don't think that has any of this has anything to do with being an expat wife.  

The beusty of living in Singapore is that my evenings are no longer spent catching up on housework as the maid does it, which gives me even more energy to do all of the above.

[Debbie]

"Indignant" - oh dear, it sounds like you are halfway to being a Stepford Wife! He He!

I didn't realise that Delia Smith was popular Down Under...I love her Summer cookery book but my recipes never look as nice as hers.

I think the idea of having to have the boss and his snobby wife (who went to the Pru Leith cookery school) around for a dinner party is what scares me a bit. I don't even appreciate fine wines like they do (give me a beer any day) and my husband doesn't drink. They are members of the Tanglin Club apparently, so I guess it is a place I would want to avoid. I'm just trying to guage just how many normal people there are compared to the snobs, and I'm certainly not interested in being a social climber..

I've just thought of something else - is there a big problem with expat husbands dumping their wives/having affairs with the Asian girls, or is it just an urban myth? I've had a couple of male colleagues who reckon it is commonplace (but what would they know, they've only been to places like Majorca!). I'm pretty confident that my husband won't succomb but it's better to be forewarned than to be totally in the dark about these things.  

[PhilM]

Debbie you seem more interested in fanning the flames than really seeking information. You are referring to others as snobs when in fact both of your posts to date come across as nothing more than inverted snobbery!

[Sue C]

Back off a little Phil...

The whole "Stepford Wives" thing is a consideration and it can be a little intimidating when you just aren't that person.

As for the whole losing your husband to a gorgeous (thin) local girl, these are things girls worry about, we know it probably won't happen but you hear stories......

Anyway I think Debbie just wanted to know whether she would be able to find some friends.

[UK too]

Debbie, just hit Singapore and enjoy it.  

Just because you are in Singapore and English doesn't mean you have to like/befriend other English people - just like at home you pick and choose who you want your friends to be.

I do understand your concern about the expat wives thingy as I had exactly the same thoughts before I came out.  To be honest I haven't encountered any yet but that's because we don't hang out in the same places.

[Rob]

I don't know Sue....Debbie's postings do seem to be getting more and more insulting.

Of course coming to a new place is potentially scary, but if anybody posted anything similar with a race, or western/asian theme, they would be ripped to shreds by the baying expat singapore wolves.  Here we have someone making judgements about others based upon little more than heresay, outmoded stereoptypes and her own predjudices and suddenly it is OK.

One of the most consistent bits of advice offered to ppl coming to Singapore, is to come with an open mind. One of the great things about living in Singapore that you get to meet people from all walks of life, from many coutries and cultures. I hope that if Debbie comes here that she manages to open her mind enough to appreciate the opportunity