Are expat wives like the "Stepford Wives"?

[Beatrice]

Debbie,
I don't really think that this is the right forum for your question about husbands dumping their wifes. It is probably a question you should first of all ask yourself, and if you think that in your relationship there is such a risk than you should do something about it. But I don't think that anybody here can/will give you an answer - if that happens to you here it could happen anywhere.

But it is true that a change of environment can be quite a strain for a couple - it can either strengthen the relationship or drive two people even further apart, I don't think that it goes by without any "side effect".

[Singaporean]

on the husband snatching issue, this really is a can of worms. The (unhelpful) answer is Who knows? Not even your husband, quite frankly.

Some men and women have affairs because the right person happened to come along at the right time; or they went out and looked really hard for one; or they looked but couldn't find the right person; or weren't looking and refused even the most attractive advances.

You never really know a person, not even yourself, until you've actually gone through the experience.

You can worry yourself silly about these things. Don't, for your own sake and your husband's. After all, you too could meet someone you find irresistible here!

[toby]

Well I have known two friends who had husbands who have left them for other women. One for the maid and one for a local woman. It doesn't mean it wouldn't happen back home but I think if the husband is going to do it at all it's easier for him to find some one here. A male friend of mine once said at home he's lucky to get a date, here he doesn't even have to try!!

[Trying]

I agree with the above post - I also know a few husbands who have gone astray - I know that this could happen anywhere but it can be very stressful moving to another country and arguments often occur - when there's a pretty young girl in the office for your husband to talk to who knows what will happen.  Another thing to consider is also your husband may be away travelling a lot and when he is home the expat guys tend to go out drinking after work rather than return home - this all could lead to problems.  You need to think carefully before you move!

[Rob]

Drinking after work..perish the thought

Has anyone heard the recent AIDS awareness ads? Apparently drinking can lead to accidental causal sex...I must not be drinking enough!

[singapore girl]

Seems to me this topic is evolving into 'husband straying issue'. Ladies, such prob of infidelity can happen anywhere, be it back home or here. It's up to the couple to work out a faithful loving relationship.  

As to drinking after work - "this all could lead to problems", c'mon, give this guys a break. Have more faith in yourself : )

[Arry]

Methinks Singapore has as many snobs vs down-to-earths, faithfuls vs adulterers, etc as any other big cities; just come around, Debbie! The folks from expatsingapore are a great bunch to be with.

Regarding the posibility of your beau being ensnared by local girls, etc, etc - well, I don't think I know much about this field, but if one is by nature a "playful" person, I don't think he/she has to go all the way to Singapore just to do it! He/she can just do it with the girl/guy in the next shire!

(Speaking out of my naïvete!)  

[Rob]

I am going down the pub now. Any young ladies want to join me?  

[Jasper]

Beatrice, why is this not the right forum to be asking questions regarding your spouse finding another woman?
I am sure that many expat ladies here would like to know why their husbands/partners stray.
I bet there are lots of ladies here who have discovered that  their husband or partner has been unfaithful, myself included!
So ladies if you have, or suspect that your spouse is/has been unfaithful then please tell, (i imagine there are a lot of us here)
We can remain anonomous if you like.
Come on, lets get this off our chests and out in the open.

[Ex-Wife]

I just surfed in and was looking at the replies to the Lady who asked about losing one's husband to one of the local girls.
Well, that happened to me. My Husband and I had a great marriage, and I don't know to this day how it came about, but it did.
I had not yet moved out to Singapore to be with him - and I see that was a mistake.
When he came back on leave, he was a different person, and I challenged him about having an affair.  He, of course, denied it.
Anyway, he eventually filed for divorce.
I flew out to Singapore to meet with him face to face, and he wouldn't even see me.
Enough said, we divorced.  I have since re-married and am extremely happy. Older and wiser, too.  He married his Singaporen girlfriend, and they are still there in Singapore.  Who knows, maybe you know him!
Anyway, no hard feelings now.
By the way, when I did visit Singapore, even though the circumstances were awful, I thought the place was beautiful, and I do hope to come again some day and really enjoy my stay.  By the way, I am originally from North Yorkshire, now living in the USA.
Good wishes to you all.

[alternatively]

Let's bear in mind that the issue works both ways - not necessarily in the case of the original poster - but it does happen. The husband goes overseas and comes back to find that the wife has run off with someone else.

[Beatrice]

Jasper,

First of all I am very sorry if it has happened to you or anybody else – it is a terrible situation and even more when you are finding yourself in a different country without the valuable support from family and close friends. And unfortunately I can say that I know what I am talking about – not exactly the same conditions, but similar. Others may want to discuss the details of their situations here on the board, bear with me if I do not want to do that. There is a different thread by Jo who is organizing get-togethers, and maybe this subject could be discussed rather during such occasion in person than on the board. Previous postings have shown that it is difficult to maintain “normal discussions” here – the written word is often misunderstood and people spend their time justifying or explaining themselves endlessly.

But as said in several postings, your spouse finding a different partner can happen here or elsewhere, with a local woman or the woman next door, a local men or the men next door. This thread could then easily lead into a one-sided discussion whereby all local women will be condemned. And above all, it should not hold you back from the wonderful experience of living in a different culture and it should not get you started off from the wrong foot – I know there are people who have unfortunately made this negative experience, but I also know couples who are enjoying themselves here together. And it is a challenge!

I have now spent half an hour writing and re-writing my words over and over again, hoping that I do not offend anybody. If I did, then please e-mail me and I would be happy to discuss this further over a coffee or similar – but not here  .

[rose]

Beatrice & Jasper,
Unfortunately I too know what you are talking about, but I agree with Beatrice I don't think this is an appropriate place to talk about it.  However, I do think we need to get this issue into the open.  I would definitely be interested in getting together to discuss it.  From my own experience this issue is best discussed with others who have had to deal with it also.  Family and friends can be well meaning but more often than not they can't understand why you haven't given him the old heave ho.  Feel free to email if you are interested in a discussion over coffee or wine.

Debbie -  if infidelity is really an 'issue' for you, as opposed to 'just wondering' I would suggest that you air your concerns with your husband before you decide to come out.  

But that aside - make the leap and come out.  The most important piece of advice I can give you is to make sure that once you get here, that you put yourself out there.  I sat at home for months on end wondering why I was lonely and hadn't meet anybody.  Call me slow but I realised I would have to actually leave the apartment, nobody was going to come to me.  It can be difficult at first but attend as many outings, events, coffee mornings etc that you can, and friendships will surely form.  And without being rude you discard the groups/people who don't suit you and find your own niche.  

Also don't worry so much about your background.  I had a working class upbringing and I have a degree but my degree-less husband earns far more than I ever could.  The people I have met so far don't care much about these sorts of things.  Debbie, I wish you all the best, its not an easy decision to make to move countries, but it can eventually be a rewarding one.

[a bit wiser]

I agree with Toby and Trying. The expat lifestyle is certainly one that can lead to temptation for some husbands. In our home country, going out for all-nighters at karaoke bars because of work was never done. Here, it's expected and on a frequent basis.

For the man who's not accustomed to the ego-stroking from karoke hostesses and women who just see $$$ when they see your hubby, the lifestyle can get them into trouble.

And let's not forget the sex-trade industry in countries like Thailand and the Philippines. When home country colleagues come for business trips to Asia, there's always a "looksee" visit to a T&A/sex bar.

Yes, infidelity can happen at any time, any where for many reasons. But the expat lifestyle can certainly show the weak links of even the strongest relationships.I certainly thought my marriage was stronger than most I'd seen before we moved overseas.