Chinese Wake/Funeral

[Sad]

My Chinese friend's father has passed away. Can someone please give me advice as to what is appropriate in terms of sending condolences, attending (or not) the wake/funeral, etc. Thanks.

[evehow]

If you're attending...

Prepare some money.  Up to you how much you want to give.  $20, $30, $50 or $100.  Put in white envelope and write your name outside the envelope.  When you reach the funeral parlour, tell whoever who met you you would like to give the "peh-kim".

Don't wear red and other bright colours.  You don't have to remove your jewellery or make-up.

You'll normally be brought to the altar.  If you wish, you may offer incense (joss sticks).  If your religion forbids it (like mine), decline the joss sticks and just stand in front of the altar for a moment.  You may be brought closer to the coffin for a look.  Don't decline that.

You will be invited to sit at a table.  Spend some time there talking with your friend.  Leave when you want to.  There's no compulsion to stay.  Some said you shouldn't inform your friend that you're leaving, that you should leave quietly, but that's not a hard-and-fast rule.

You may be given a red thread (for good luck/protection).  Most accept the red thread as a form of custom, but it's up to you.  Just don't make a big fuss about it.

If you're not attending:

You may send a wreath to the funeral parlour.  The florist should be able to advise what to put on the notice.

Or you can just send a simple condolences card.  I'm not sure abt including money at this point.  I guess it really depends on how close you are to your friend.

[Also Sad]

Do you follow the same procedure if the wake is at the deceased house? My friend's mother just died and it seems there is a visitation at the house for several days before the actual funeral. Do you go to both?

[evehow]

Hi

It should be similar.  I take it that you're visiting during the 3 or 5-day wake, and not during "chut-sua" which is the last day of the funeral, when the coffin is being taken to the cemetary or cremetorium.

For a taoist or buddhist funeral, during "chut-sua," there'll be the final rites before the closing of the coffin, and perhaps a short procession.  After that, the body is brought to the cemetary cremetorium.  I'm not very familar with this part.  There should be some more final rites before and after the burial/burning.

It's not necessary for acquaintance to go to the "chut-sua" in addition to the wake, but it depends on how close you are to the person.  If you're close to your friend, then by all means be there to support him or her.

[evehow]

I left out something quite important abt the "peh-kim".

Make sure you give to the official "treasurer" and not any tom, dick or harry.  There has been cases where money falls into the wrong hands.  Either hand it to your friend (I guess you can trust him/her) or ask him/her to bring you to the "counter".  There'll be a table set up and a somewhat official-looking record book.  The person recording will either write your name down (thus your name on the white envelope) or ask you to write it.  He'll also record how much you're giving.

The money will go towards funeral costs, and any extras (which is unlikely as funerals are a huge expense) to the bereaved family.  Thus, it is important that the money goes to where it's supposed to be and is well-accounted for.