relationship counsellors

[shock]

wife and i going through a difficult patch, considering separating but we still have love for each other. anybody know of good counsellors in singapore that are reasonable? looked at goslings and although i want to save my relationship, i cannot afford that kind of money. please help, genuine replies only. thanks.

[Marie]

That's great you take the initiative. Try SACAC 67339249. Good luck!

[Don'tSeparate]

Shock--

Don't separate, especially if you still love each other.  EVERYONE has rough patches...you guys aren't alone!  People separate and divorce too easily these days (but, at least you guys are trying to work it out).  

Good Luck!

[too sad]

Sorry to hear you are having a bad time - the previous poster is right, don't separate if you truly love each other you can work things out.  Lots of talking and
" hearing" what each other says.
Said it before here on this board but I think that living in Singapore has a lot to do with marriage problems or maybe its just being an Expat?  Talk Talk Talk thats the answer and make time for each other. Good luck

[agreed]

We lived abroad in the 80's and went through a VERY rough patch, I thought we'd split. When we came back I realised it was living abroad that did it. We are still together and REALLY happy, married over 20 years.

If you can't work it through and think you're going to separate then leave Sg, go home and give it another go.

[going through same]

Sorry to hear of your marriage troubles.  If its any consolation to you, I am going through the same thing.  I was warned before coming here that a lot of men stray, but didn't think it would happen to me.

A friend mentioned a society called AWARE who have a help line and will be able to put you in touch with counsellors.  There was also mention of an ex-pat support group for such instances.

I'm sorry I don't have the number, but I'm sure they will be in the phone book.

Hope you manage to work things out, you are going in the right direction by seeing a counsellor.

[so sad]

I know I have asked this before but IS the fact that so many marriages go through such bad times here down to living in Singapore.  I had a really strong marriage and I also was warned as was my husband before we left and we laughed because we have been together so long and know each other so well and then within months of being here it started to go wrong and then WHAM!
What is it about this place?
Sorry if I am doing the place an injustice, and maybe it would have happened anywhere but I just read so many postings on this board so similar to what I have gone through that I can't help wondering.
There must be reasons , is it too much money to spend? Too much leiusure time? Too much travelling and freedom on the part of the husband?  Too much eye candy that is tempting? Too many other people doing it - so they think its ok?
Will I ever know?  Don't suppose so.

[Been there]

Shock, I can very well imagine what you might be going through.

Take heart. When things hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up!

Please don't separate.

My husband and I went through some pretty difficult times twice this year. We were so close to separation the second time around.

We looked at two options, live separately or get some counselling.

Living separately was a no-no for me. Physical separation would probably give us the space we both needed momentarily but wouldnt be good for resolving new issues in our marriage whenever they came up.

For him, Counselling was out of the question. Our relationship is unique.. Other people might give us advise but we understand the intricacies of our relationship better than anyone else.

What worked for us was having several honest conversations spread over a period of time. We both were sensitive to when conversations could get out of hand... stopped and took a break... went for a movie/walk/gymn.... Then reviewed our situation a few days later. Reflected on perspectives and talked some more... That kind of honest talking helped us build trust in each other.

We are taking our marriage one day at a time.. Both of us are discovering that our love's stronger and we are a much happier couple now.

Go ahead, TALK! It will get better.

[sad girl]

Going through same thing - the talking is painful.  Can't believe he'd risk all these years of marriage and wonderful kids for a bit of fluff that surfaced in the dreaded OT.

This is such a painful thing - I didn't think it would happen to us, but it has and I really feel like I have been run over by a steam train.

[so sad]

Sad Girl I really feel for you especially as you have children.  Remember though that men are like children and of course I don't condone what they do but sometimes they are so stupid and really don't think about the long term effects and mostly they think they won't get caught so think its worth the risk. If he is willing to talk and try again then give him the chance and try to put it behind you but you must make the rules and see he sticks to them.  If not then he has made his bed so let him lie in it. You know that at the end of the day he will be the sorry one because these girls they take up with often ( ok not always!!) move on to richer pickings.  Don't make yourself ill over this, you have children to consider. Tell yourself every day what a worthwhile person you are and try to at least build some part of your life for you so that if it all falls apart you will be stronger. Good luck.  I'm sure there are lots of people on this board who will sympathise with you.

[Registered Poster]

Yes, I think it's Singapore that does this to people. It's a place for sad singles - not for happy togetherness. Same thing happened to me;  my partner took up with another woman in another country - long-distance romance, huge phone bills, chatting, frequent trips, the works. So it's not the much-maligned Singapore girls, but I do think it's the deleterious effect of the place. For one thing, there isn't very much to exercise the brain (let's be honest here) and energies probably find other outlets (devil's workshop?); moreover men find it harder to cope than women - we can speak about it but they don't seem able to do so.

anyway, many reasons; but all in all if you can get away from here, by all means do so. For me the chance to go has not come yet; we are still together and trying to work it out, and we have realised that it is these Dead Marshes which have nearly ruined us, and we are going as soon as we find a livelihood elsewhere, preferably home country.

Yes, I shall answer all those nasty posters right away - we never should have come here in the first place.

[Mrs Married]

I'm sorry to see from this thread so many other married couples having probs with their marriages.

Marriage is a commitment made by two adults of different sexes (let's not go into gay marriages here). The vows are important but then so are the rules set by schools and the laws of the country.

Infringments do occur and can be done by either the wife or the husband. Let's face it, married women do stray too.

The sex act is viewed very differently by men and women. For men, it's physical - like a need to pee. For women, it's emotional - a need for love to be expressed. Ok, ok, let's not go into what prostitutes do........

I am a woman and I am realistic about life. To find out your husband has been unfaithful is the most mind-shattering, heart-breaking, soul-destroying ultimate horror in life. It's like the end of the world, i.e. the end of what we see as a twosome marriage till 'death do us part'.

I've had girlfriends whose husbands have affairs or have patronised prostitutes. Now I have as yet found out if my husband has done it too and I'm not going to get myself all paranoid thinking of the 'what ifs'. However, I believe having been exposed to so many marriages ruined by third parties I am not blind to the possibility that it COULD happen to me.

Marriage by and large, does not guarantee a husband will not be tired of a wife who has somehow changed - her attitude towards life, towards housework, towards herself, etc. I know of many women who just let themselves pile on the kilos, dress drably and gossip endlessly with neighbors. They weren't the women their husbands initially married! Of cos, this can happen to the husband as well.......

To hold on to a marriage both parties must work at it. I reckon us women being the sex that lures men to bed must do the bigger share of working hard at keeping our marriages.

Yes, face it. Usually it's someone from OUR own sex that caught our husbands' eyes right? How and why? We know the answers don't we.

Us women should never allow ourselves to look like bag ladies. In fact, we should never let ourselves go downhill if you know what I mean. Stop being so self-sacrificing! Spend hubby's money not just on the household and the kids but also on yourself!

I make it a point to surprise my husband with a new hairstyle, a low-cut dress, some outrageously shocking behaviour and a different respond in bed. He loves it! Yupz, I've been doing it for the past 14 years and I may seem like I'm pathetic but hey, I have all my friends and my husbands' friends full admiration of my endeavours.

My home is messy, I seldom cook, there's a layer of dust on the floor but those are things most men don't really see as very important in marriages. They want a wife who'll cuddle up to them when they're watching their favourite TV programme, get them a glass of beer and some snacks, listen attentively when they share their day's happenings and fuss over them when they are sick.

Am I right or am I right men?  

[singale_expat_male]

yes...that would be my dream wife.  alas the good ones are married!

[Mrs. Married]

Point to point, I am a married woman.

Perhaps I omitted to say I am a married local Chinese woman? Upon reading yr post, I can understand how u feel although u may mock me and say 'How could you? Have u been there? etc, etc'.

I need not have to experience all the sorrows you felt to understand how u feel. My friends are local Chinese married women too like me and their pain are no less when they found out their husbands have strayed.

It is not true infidelity is an Asian thing. Am I to believe marital affairs do not happen in Western countries?

What I said in my earlier post is for us women to take an active role in strengthening our marriage. You know, the Do Your Best stuff? If we have made an effort in ensuring our husbands have no cause for complaining about us, then if and when our men stray, we can stand tall and say, 'I did my best'.

Almost all my girlfriends who have problems in their marriages did NOT make any effort to maintain their looks, figure and feminity. After they spoke to me they realised they had a part to play in their marriages. To them, being good cooks, housekeepers and mothers equate being good wives. Ask any men. They would prefer their wives to be good listeners, supportive friends and exciting lovers. It's not to say the house and the kids should be neglected but we're talking priorities.
Many women actually neglect their husbands once they have kids. Then when their men have affairs the **** hits the ceiling!

My friends felt not just betrayed but they felt demoralized and they told me their self-esteem were like zero. Have you not questioned WHERE you failed and WHAT went wrong? Were there not self condemnation - like, 'Am I not good-looking enough? or Am I a lousy lover or what?'

If you experienced only feelings of self righteousness then I can only say, it's going to be really tough for your man to live up to your standards.

[Fidel C]

Noticed that the original poster mentions nothing of straying and affairs and yet most of the follow up mails recite their experiences in this regard.  

From a male point of view, I believe that any man who strays will do it again, no matter how much talking you do.

......and before you say it, no I am not talking from personal experience