Taking kids away from grandparents

[JenB]

My husband and I have 3 children ( 2 girls, 5 1/2 and 3 1/2 and a boy, 2 1/2 months).  If we were to move to Singapore, we would be taking the kids away from their grandparents and great grandparents.  We only live about 15-20 minutes from the family and we see most of them about once a week.  They are really dismayed that we are even comtemplating a move half way around the world.  As my dad said, "There's no need to chase the old mighty dollar."  

Have any of you encountered this situation?  Do you regret leaving the extended family?  How do you get over the guilt of leaving or do you just live with it??

We expect to be over there for 2 years.

Thanks in advance for sharing.

Jen

[Paul N]

I think Grandpa has a mighty narrow view of life.  Civilizations exist all over the world and with the internet bringing Singapore into your home, I feel it best to get to know something outside your own four walls.

I too have parents who live only 20 miles from where they were raised, and their first reaction was, "are you sure you want to do that?"  They still refuse to come visit, but I am damn glad we did this, after all we are the ones who are living our lives, not them.  

You will never regret making the decision to live overseas.  The new friends you will make will last a lifetime and the experiences you will have will be priceless.  The children will learn that Sacratomato is not the center of the universe and that sending Grandpa and Grandma letters, pictures and e-mail (assuming they are online, or are willing to become if they want to keep in touch) is great fun.  There are numerous different cultures just on this island with several more available for exploration for cheap money airfare to destinations nearby.

Purely for the sake of not regretting passing up the opportunity in later life, go for it.  The pursuit of the dollar should be secondary, the opportunity to expand your world and know and understand someone other than fellow Californians should the your primary priority!

There, you wanted my opinion...right

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Paul N.

He who dies with the most toys...is an idiot.  Family First!!!

[Dawn]

I too took my 3 week old baby and first grandchild away from my parents and moved to London.  My husband is from the U.K. and so we wound up doing the same thing to his parents 2 years and another baby later when we made the move to Singapore.  It can be very taxing because you always feel like you are hurting someone.  I can very much sympathize with your situation.  You do live with alot of guilt!

However, it will get easier when you see how your children with thrive and turn into well rounded individuals because you exposed them to a whole other world that you and I didn't grow up with.  

In fairness to your fathers comment, one thing to keep in mind is that families didn't move around like this when our parents were young or raising their families.  So the very thought of your move is probably very foreign to him, coupled with the emotions he's dealing with at the thought of you going.

Everyone who has been faced with this decision can understand what you are going through.  Do yourself a favor if you decide to make the move and don't be too hard on yourself, you aren't doing anything wrong.  I spent the first year and a half when we moved to London hating the place and wishing myself back home because I was so guilt ridden.  Don't do that, if you are only meant to be here for 2 years don't waste your time feeling bad about it.  If your parents aren't on line, get them on line before you go and even plan a trip for them to visit before you go so it will make everyone feel a little less sad and give them something to look forward to.  In regards to the children, they are so resilient, it's not them that will have a hard time!  Good luck in your decision making and remember it's about you, your husband and your children not anyone else.

[nikki m]

I simply second the other input you've gotten.  
 Engaging in this broadening enriching experience is priceless and can't be duplicated.  Our son has grown in ways that most didn't have the ability to do untill college that being really getting to know other cultures and see the world through the eyes of others.  It was hard for us to leave grandparents,cousins and friends but we are forever changed by this experience for the better and don't regret it for a minute.  Good luck with your decision.....

[Randy]

We have just arrived in Singapore in the last month, and went through the same experience.  We asked my mother in law to come with us for the first 3 weeks, for two reasons.  One, it was very valuable having her here as we settled in, for babysitting, helping to clean, etc, but the most valuable thing was that she got a glimpse of our lifestyle here and the reasons we came.  
She has since written and thanked us several times, as it lessened her anxiety about her family members, and gave her a reference point for what we tell her about our lives.  if you can afford it, buy some tickets for the in-laws!

[CG]

I also second (or third) the comments made in the above replies- very helpful and insightful.  My husband and I have lived in Hong Kong, Germany (on two separate occasions), and the US and are currently planning to move to Singapore.  We have always made it a priority to maintain family bonds(my husband's family lives in Germany; mine in the US, but on the opposite coast from where we are now)- we all e-mail and I spend a small fortune on traditional mail services as well (to send mainly photos, children's artwork, homemade gifts).  And, although we don't see our families on a regular basis, when we do see them it is usually for a much longer time period (several weeks, which we often combine with a joint vacation)- making for very intensive family time. We also found that living in, or near, choice vacation spots entices friends and relatives you barely knew you had to visit (slight exaggeration)!  Our children (aged 6 and 3)are bilingual (German/ English), are extremely social and make friends easily, and seem to have thusfar only benefitted from our mobile lifestyle. You need to do what is the right thing for YOUR family and what is needed to obtain job satisfaction/ advance the career of the primary (or dual)providers.  Hope my insight proves helpful!

[sjl]

My experience is the same as CG's. Having raised three kids overseas in various locations in Asia we have thoroughly enjoyed having the grandparents visit on long vacations (usually a month at a time). They get to know much more about the children than they would by seeing them once a week for Sunday lunch. They have also appreciated the opportunity of really getting to know some exotic locations in much more depth than they would on a regular package tour. We have always made a strong effort to keep in touch by post, and now that IDD calls are much cheaper, by phone.

I would also agree with CG about the effect on the children. Most expat children are much more sociable and worldlywise than their peers who have travelled less. This came to our attention this summer when we visited home and compared our children with their cousins. Our eldest is now 19 and we have absolutely no regrets that most of her life has been spent in Asia.

[Bats]

I agree with all of the above, but would make the additional point of thowing technology at the problem. Cheaper IDD has been mentioned. Sending home Camcorder tapes is good. Digital photos via email is easy. Finally videophone over the internet is cheap in terms of calls (local call at each end) but a little awkward to set up but over time will become more accessible......so you can "have your cake and eat it"!