advice for 2nd child?

[2ndcoming]

I am due to give birth to our 2nd child in a few months.  Our first will be 20 months.  Is there any advice from parents who have had a 2nd within a similar time frame?

Thanks.

[Be prepared]

Shower the second one with lots of love. Make sure, you allot a lot of time for him/her while hubby / maid look after the lil one. Make sure that the first one gets presents too, when the new one does. Actually it is a difficult phase  for the first one even if it is only for few months to begin with. Its like your hubby bringing a new lady into the house and telling her 'from now she is part of the family'. So, please be understanding......don't be too hard on the first one when you he/she is too clingy, irritable, booey, etc.

[mum of three]

First, Congratulations!

Second, it will be easier than your first.  The first is the greatest life change, second time you hav esome idea what to expect.  It will involve a bit of juggling etc., but nothing like first time.

A major priority is your eldest; I would prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  Even the best child in the world will have their nose put out of joint to some extent.  Little things make a big difference.  Continually remind no.1 how much you love him/her. We had a boy/girl combination first, so could keep using the phrases best boy/girl etc. (it's trickier with no. 3). Our gap was over 2 years, but some of the issues are the same.  There is no magic formula, but the following little things worked for us;

i) preparation, lots of talk about a younger sibling, big brither/sister responsibilities etc'

ii) changes in routine; if you expect to have to make some, start now.  e.g. if the baby is going to take over the cot/nursery, move your 20 month old out before the birth (and make it a big exciting thing to do); if you do not think that you'll have time for daily baths, as many activities etc., start winding down now;  presume that he/she is not going to nursery yet, but if so, same applies;

iii) have lots of doll play time.  I bought a mini-version of the baby sling that I used for my eldest to carry a doll around in.  That made the whole thing more fun, playing grown-up rather than reverting to being a baby for attention;

iv) in the hospital, ask your husband to call you from downstairs when he's bringing your child in to see the baby.  No matter what you are doing, put the baby down in the cot and be ready to hug your older child.  You want is for a telling off about not  hurting the baby to be the first impression of life with a younger sibling.  Equally, you do not want to give the impression that 'Mummy is not there for me anymore';

v) nuy presents from the baby.  I used to feel that this was awful, like bribing a child to love a sibling, then I became a parent and yet another principle went down the loo.  I also had a stash of tiny gifts (stickers, colouring books etc) for people to give our eldest when they arrived with baby gifts;

vi) on that note, please remind visitors not to ignore your 20 month old.  People tend to rush straight to the baby, who could not care less about being the centre of attention;

vii) plan exciting things for Daddy to do with no. 1 while he's off work.  It gives them bonding time, makes the eldest the centre of attention again and gives you time to bond, feed the baby, and sleep;

viii) try to involve your eldest in little jobs like bringing you a nappy etc.;

ix) much as with a first child, I tried to sleep when the baby did, with the 2nd, did not hav ethat luxury and used baby naps as one on one time with no.1'

x) try to stick to your son/daughter's favourite things as much as possible. Prioritise these when juggling your routine.  Bedtime stories were precious time for mine.

In the first few months, babies are really portable, so can be brought to other activities etc.  Ours got to sleep in the car.

There are some lovely books to read to your child as well (There's a House in Mummy's Tummy, The Baby (but I'd rather have a hamster)) etc.  

Yours may take to it like a duck to water, sometimes a shorter age gap helps in that regard.  There were times when I felt truly awful, my previously perfect 2 year old seemed to hate me.  My husband kept having to remind me that the best gift that you can give a child is a sibling.  When I look at them now, I can see exactly what he meant (not that they don't fight like cats and dogs sometimes).  I'm sure there are a million other things that work, but that's all that I can think of right now.  Good luck, it's worth it!

[2nd babe]

My first daughter sat under a counter and cried for a week - not the reaction I had expected - they are 2.5 yrs apart.

I made sure that she received gifts too - 'Congratulations on becoming a big sister' gifts.

I also followed her lead - some days she couldn't be bothered and just wanted to ignore her baby sister and watch Pingu - other times she wanted to be the helping hand. I also kept a watchful eye on 'mommy and me snuggle time' -  I would offer my lap to her if she wanted.

She asked to try the 'boobie milk' - I wouldn't let her 'drink from the faucet' - but I said grab a cup - I expressed it for her and she thought it was disgusting... that helped

There are board books you can get to prepare the older one with too. But if you over prepare - does that add to their stress?? (I'm no child psychologist - just a mommy)

I would just say go with your instincts and as the pp says - expect the worst and be understanding.

[20 months]

I had 20  months between mine, several years ago and not in Singapore, no family close so I was on my own. Fortunately my husband wasn't working such long hours then and was a real hands-on Dad who loves sport.  He and older son spent lots of time together kicking a ball round etc.

Get your little one involved in preparing for the new baby, help prepare the crib, lots of talk and show photos of him or her as a tiny baby.  You could get a soft baby doll so that the older child has a baby of their own, can bath it when the new baby's being bathed etc. 

Use the time when you're feeding the baby as story time for the older child.   They can snuggle up beside you and it's good for the baby to be exposed to the colours of books, and to reading aloud.

Make sure you prepare a gift to take to the hospital for the new baby, let the older child help choose it.  And have a small parcel from baby to give to older sibling in the hospital.  Then new baby's going to get lots of gifts and while I don't agree with the older child always having to have something as well (it leads to expectations later on, kids have to learn there are times when it's someone else's turn such as a birthday), it could be a good idea to have a small store of cheap books, little toys, as an occasional reward or distraction. 

Make time for the older child for one-to-one bonding.  Very easy to get distracted.  Baby's sleep time is good for this. 

You're going to get tired especially if breastfeeding.  Remember about the new baby's growth spurt times and take extra care then to eat well, drink lots of water.   Good advice is to sit down with a high protein snack every afternoon around 3pm, can be a milky drink, cheese sandwich, nuts or peanut butter etc.  This will help build up your milk supply for the early evening when baby's often grumpy and wants to feed continuously.     This sit-down time could be good to relax with the older child, try to get into a habit.

Try to establish a good bedtime routine NOW, not when baby arrives.  We never had any bedtime problems.  It was always dinner, bath, quiet time with a story, then into bed with a soothing back rub and nursery rhymes or songs.  Do the super nanny thing if they get out - straight back to bed with 'It's bedtime, night-night,' and a hug and kiss. Second time 'It's bedtime', third time no talking just put them straight back to bed. 

If you have a maid then set the guidelines now.  If you want to be a hands-on mum then be thankful that you can hand off the cleaning and maybe some of the cooking to the maid.  Get it straight that the kids are YOUR responsibility. Take notice of another thread going on about the maid just wanting to be with the children.  You're the boss, you set the rules.  I wish I'd had someone to do my housework, never got to the stage where I was still in my dressing gown at 5pm, but believe me, the days were BUSY!  One good piece of advice was to prepare dinner in the morning, then you never had to think 'what will we have' at 5pm. 

It's really hard in Singapore I know if your husband works long hours.  They do want to see their kids but try to make weekends quality time and don't be tempted to let the kids stay up for Dad.  Unfortunately it's one of the downsides of living an expat life, and just has to be accepted as part of the deal.  In the weekends get Dad involved at mealtimes, going for walks etc, and get into that habit now, before the new baby arrives.

And something to remember - don't forget to take photos of the second child on its own as it grows up.  So often you forget, and then most photos of the kids will be together from then on, not individual. 

And don't forget to give your little one lots of hugs, and then some more. Hugs and kisses, stories, lots of laughs go a long way.  And don't take any notice of the 'TV's not a babysitter' brigade. Used in moderation it can be a lifesaver.  Thank the lord for Postman Pat!

Good luck when the new baby arrives.  I think I was pretty lucky with mine as they were good kids but I also think that we just didn't stand any nonsense or tantrums.  They've grown into wonderful adults, and the 20 month gap has been perfect. They're great friends with each others' friends, played sport together, hit the night clubs together.......but that's a whole 'nother story.

[Lili Von Shtupp]

FAN-TAS-TIC posts, people, thanks so much for taking the time to put down your thoughts on the subject. We're hoping for another baby, and I will save this thread and revert to it often.

Cheers!

[2ndbabyplease]

Useful thread thanks. We are trying for baby no.2 and one of my concerns is the above. I do agree about the greatest gift you can give your little one is a sibling. However I have noticed that if I pay another child or baby attention (pick up, kiss, hold newborn) he gets really jealous and annoyed. We had a friend over a few weeks ago with her newborn and he's still telling me "I don't want to see the baby" 

[18 months]

My eldest daughters are 18 months apart in age. It was tiring at the beginning (home with no help and a largely absent husband) but despite preparing for the worst, we never had any issues with sibling jealousy or any of the other associated negative behaviour. Nap time for the little one was special 'big girl' time for my older girl.

One thing we did do, in addition to what PP have noted, was to play on all the things that the little sister couldn't do that the big sister could ("Yum. This ice cream/swing/slide is great! Little .... (insert name) is too small to have ice cream/a swing/ a slide. Maybe when she's bigger."

I also maintained, as much as possible, our normal pre-little sister routine. Admittedly it wasn't that much fun going to Gymbaroo (for example) with a newborn in a sling, but it was really important for my oldest to get out and about.

The girls were best friends from Day one and now they are 7 and 8 years old (with a yet another younger sister!)and they are still best friends. Sure they have their moments, but most mornings we wake to find all three girls squashed into one of their beds.

One interesting thing, however. My older girl loathes dolls while her younger sisters adore them. Maybe too much time with real babies while she was little has turned her off?

Congratulations on your impending arrival and good luck.

[Señora Sensible]

Haven't read all other posts - sorry if repeating.  What worked for us was including child 1 as much as possible:-

- breastfeeding time, getting a snack for toddler beforehand and sitting together.
- newborn bath, getting toddler to help with washing feet etc.
- same with nappy change, toddler would get excited about getting the nappy ready.
- trying to stick to routines as much as possible.  If child 1 is used to mum brushing teeth in the morning for example, try not switching that task over immediately when newborn gets home 'dad will brush them' or reverse.  Keep some routines same.

All the best.

[Something to File Away]

Didn't take long for the nutter to show her face, I see ...

Keep an eye on the older one if they do get jealous, I took my sister out of "my" cot and put her on the floor ...  No damage done but mum nearly had a fit to find her new baby on the floor LOL!

And when they are older, don't make the older one take the younger one everywhere with him/her.

Its the one thing about being the older sister that I HATED!!



Good luck and have fun!

[More]

Hi I have not read through all the posts clearly, but one thing that really helped us was having a grandma around near the time of birth for the older child to bond and become friends with.  When our second came she was there to really be his companion and divert his attention when I was breastfeeding or just too tired to play!
Best of Luck to you

[moo]

Hold on a minute: Do you have children? Have you ever attempted to breastfeed? Have you seen the thousands of people around the world who breastfeed their children up to ages 4 plus? All of those nutters living in villages, feeding their children they way their bodies were made to.....

I guess its great living in your modern world where everything that should be normal is not.

Get a life.

[I don't get it]

Can't see that there's any way I'd be 'milking myself' in front of my toddler Haven't you people read the 'crap' thread - it would seem our little 'darlings' are repeating much of what we do and say at home to their teachers - wouldn't that be a nice one: "Mommy squeezed milk from her boobies into a cup for me to drink!" 

If I were a teacher of a 2.5 year old it wouldn't phase me.   Certainly no stranger than seeing 5 and 6 year olds drinking formula from a bottle at school.  Now if she were 12, it might be "Bitty".

You lot really are weirdly uptight!

[moo]

Ahh, I see now. Mummy let you out? Or another hard working ex-pat trying to spice up his/her dull day through cheap provocation?

Please learn the art of being civil.

When you grow up and have your own children you might re-consider what is/is not acceptable when you are struggling with the new emotions and jealousies a sibling brings into the family.

OP: As pp's have mentioned a grand-parent on hand is extremely helpful, you will be so busy with the baby it is going to be hard to make time for the first child. Let them know how much you appreciate them helping you out (even though their 'help' is likely to make more work for you!) Encourage the child to take part when you change, bath and feed the baby. Advice that I have seen on this b-o-a-r-d in the past included having a basket of crayons, small books, juice, snacks etc with you that is brought out everytime you feed the baby. You can get number 1 to sit next to you while you feed the baby and read to her at the same time. And dont forget to praise her - a LOT 

You might be lucky, some children take to their siblings without any problems. My first loves the second dearly but I had a huge jealousy streak to deal with. Good luck.

[more_ideas]

Mine are 25 months apart.  You've received a lot of GREAT advice, but I'll just add a few more things: 

1.  Teach your older child how to do a few practical things for himself.  I taught my 25-month-old how to get out of the taxi by himself, go up the short steps of our condo lobby, and wait on a nearby safe bench for me (all within my sight).  It was a lifesaver when I was struggling to get the newborn and car seat out of the taxi! 

2.  Although it may be tempting to move the older child out of the crib, it is a huge transition at a time when he probably doesn't need another huge transition.  Also then you have to contend with TWO of them waking up in the night (as toddlers newly moved to 'big beds' often get up just because they can!). 

3.  Definitely have visitors (grandparents, uncles, aunts, friends) who can play with your older child and give him some one-on-one attention. 

Good luck!  Having two is a lot of fun despite being a lot of work.