wives - shed some light here...

[a devoted husband]

Hi
  I'm an expat husband married for 5 years. We've got 2 little kids.
The reason i'm penning this here is to enjoy the anonimity, rather than sharing it with someone I know. Here goes....The wife and I, we love each other. She works too, as she enjoys the financial freedom it offers (not that she needs to).

The issue I have is she doesn't seem to be interested in intimacy anymore. I don't recall the last time we shared a passionate kiss, or an intimate  cuddle on the couch without her resisting initially. Heck, she even cringed when i plant a routine kiss on her cheeks. .... intimacy-wise, i seem to get the cold shoulder. it was also up to me to do all the initiating if i want some action. 

don't get me wrong. we're not drifting apart or anything. We still connect on an emotional
level, eg have deep conversations on some topics. i still do things to keep the flame burning, like surprising her with flowers or
jewellery, call her everyday at work etc. I've always been faithful, and neither do I detect any indication that there's someone else. Her closest friends and work colleagues are women I've since gotten to know.

I can sense that she still loves me, that's why I'm all the more confused.Why am I such a turnoff for her? fyi, I'm not in a bad shape. I do not have bad breath, body odour, still work out and in great shape, and neither has my behaviour stagnated since marriage....

should i dismiss it all as a normal marriage thing?

[Councillor]

Quite normal. She has got all she wants so sees no reason to give you anything you want.
Either accept that for the rest of your life you will have a dead in bed wife or get out.
The other way is to tell her straight out that you are not satsified and that you are going to get your fun somewhere else, as that is obviously what she wants.

[Twinchickenmama]

Oh, I am new here, but will chime in.  Oftentimes moms are just a bit exausted at the end of the day with two (or more) little ones climbing all over them.  You don't say how little they are but if they are really young it can be a bit like being "stalked" by a teeny person!  I know my drive was much lower when my kids were very young (under 2) and improved as they became older and more independent (and didn't wake up at night).  I would agree with discussing it with her, but do so very gently so as not to make her feel as though she is a "bad" wife or that you are angry.  She may be even too tired to realize it or it might be on her mind too and she might feel too shy to talk about it.

Good luck!

[wind up?]

Sounds like it might be a starter for ten but just in case here's my two cents.

It might be one of those times where it really is 'not you its me', i.e. her unwilling to be intimate is because she feels unattractive and not because she thinks you are. Could she be depressed for any reason, having a hard time at work or feeling frumpy and exhausted with two young kids and a job to manage?

It might be her confidence in herself and that's shaken - is she making any casual comments about feeling out of shape or old or anything?

[Would agree]

Would have to agree that by the end of the day I am all touched out. I sometimes feel panicked just to get some space after having my kids climb all over me all day. Particularly bad when they are on vacation or home sick.
Wouldn't necessarily take it personally, if as you say everything else is working. I found that having them in school helps and it is getting better as they get older. I consider myself a very affectionate person, but I am not getting any "me" time to speak of. For us getting out a bit more by ourselves helps somewhat. Talk to her, but be ready to be patient. It gets better as they get bigger, I am lucky that my husband "gets it" even though he doesn't like it. I tell him "if you take the kids a bit more it gives me a break and I get back to normal". Works for us, and makes me very thankful that he hears me when I need him to.

[Old Mike]

The lady works, so she is not being clambered all over by kids all day.
If the OP is trying all the "right" things and getting no response, he needs to accept that he is no longer his wife's first priority and that intimacy with him is just one more chore at the end of her day.
That is, of course, assuming that there is nobody else fulfilling her needs in that direction.
He needs to bring his distress and pain out into the open and have a frank discussion with his wife as soon as possible. If he does not he will have to settle for the leavings, or will end up having an affaire or a divorce.

[wise words as always]

If he does not he will have to settle for the leavings, or will end up having an affaire or a divorce.

Oh my God that's terrible! Because an affair with an e on the end is much more damaging than the normal kind.

[just cuddles]

I work full time, one child, no maid. My day looks like this—make breakfast, make 3 packed lunches, shower, get to work, get home, make dinner (put in first wash load), have dinner, sit down with child while husband load the dishwasher, family talk, hang laundry, cuddle with husband and talk about different things while child does homework while on standy in case help needed with homework, tidy up the place, have a cuppa, spend more time as family, bedtime for child, 45 minutes for literature whether it is work related or for pleasure. I am dead or near dead by this time. We are intimate on an emotional level but physically it is not as exciting as the first 10 years of our marriage. He knows that I love him to bits and that I feel guilty that I am not always as enthusiastic for a romp as he is. I have my hat off for working mothers who claim that they still hitting it off in bed chamber every night after 15 years of marriage.

[Old Mike]

Oh my God that's terrible! Because an affair with an e on the end is much more damaging than the normal kind.

Yes, much! OO La La!

[needed]

Sometimes I feel like your wife must feel, sometimes I feel like I'm just being used all day - people are like 'want want want' all day - at work or at home someone wants and needs you to do something and you get in, get the kids ready for bed or whatever you do and then it's husband's turn to want something.

It can become a bit draining after 5 or 10 years of it.

But I'm not always like that and I'm sure your wife isn't either.  Have you tried letting her have a Saturday or a Sunday to herself lately where she doesn't have to do anything for you or the kids and you'll go out and take them and let her have some time alone - that might work.

However, I'm sure you'll need the same yourself from time to time so make sure she repays the favour!

[voiceofe]

you need to talk, and probablt something else too. talk gently, but don't take a brush-off. I was the one who loved my husband, connected emotionally with him, and ignored the fact that I didn't want to have sex with him. after five years of that, it was not sustainable -- and by the time we got around to facing the problem, it was way too late. anyone will tell you that a temporary loss of desire is normal, especially with young children and the tiredness and shifting priorities that come with that. but if it persists.. well, it is not going to fix itself, and I think you've only got a limited window of time to do what you can, as a couple, to rediscover mutual attraction

[TheWrathOfGrapes]

If he does not he will have to settle for the leavings, or will end up having an affaire or a divorce.

Oh my God that's terrible! Because an affair with an e on the end is much more damaging than the normal kind.

Yes indeed - that would be an extended affair - and sounds foreign too...

[Old Mike]

Yes indeed - that would be an extended affair - and sounds foreign too...

One needs to get the clergy involved.
The Minister of Foreign affaires.

[tired too]

As a previous poster mentioned, sometimes us wives can feel tired, and that we are dealing with everyone else's demands all day.  Just as we get time to just sit down and relax, hubby is feeling amorous and all we want to do is just switch off.  It is not a case of not loving him, it is more just needing "vegging time" and not having to please anybody for once that day!

What can work wonders is just helping out in the house now and then - surprise your wife by doing the washing up/tidying up/putting the kids to bed, and letting her just sit and read a magazine or have a relaxing bath etc.  But don't expect her to repay you with a romp that night otherwise she will feel pressurised again, but I'm sure after a couple of times, she may surprise you and may even take the initiative. 

Good luck - you sound like a lovely caring husband and I'm sure she does appreciate you.  Just give her a chance to show it.

[Old Mike]

To the wives out there,

It is VERY VERY difficult for your husband to accept that you still love him if you discourage his physical advances, especially if you do it consistently for  years. He will conclude that you regard him merely as a walking cheque book.
What he does about it depends on him.