Why do they do this?

[Pleasetellme]

Ok. I may get flamed for this and get a lot of rude comments or be called racist, but so be it! I need to know something that I have noticed is quite a common thing here and something that bothers me quite a bit!! Being that I'm a very observant person, I have noticed that Chinese people (mom and dads here) tend to yell, scream, and hit their children in public. I see this on a daily basis and it's just damn sad! Children so young that sometimes there still in a stroller. And I know! Go ahead and flame me for saying how do I know there Chinese! Well, for one, the language. That kind of sums it all up right there in a nutshell. Yes, they could be Indonesia, Malaysia, Hong Kong, China or where ever, but it all boils down to the same thing. Does anyone else ever notice this or is it just me? In some countries, hitting your children or even yelling at them as if they were criminals, would be construed as child abuse. Guess there is no such thing here in Singapore. I'm almost half tempted to yell at the parents for their behaviour in public but I know if I did so, I would not only be put in jail but I would be booted from the country for sure. Sometimes I get so enraged to see them do this! Is this just a culture thing? No where else in the world have I seen this and I have lived in both Europe, America, and other parts of Asia. I think these parents need a good lesson on parental discipline, especially in public. And I really do wonder what goes on behind closed doors. How sad for these children, the emotional and physical abuse they endure from there parents. Oh well, such is life I guess!

[Singapore Girl]

Yup - you are SO correct.   After all, you know how to raise other people's children.  

That's why I am what I am... As a Singaporean girl, young and defenceless, having to live off morsels of scraps and beg in the streets for a living as my dad was an alcoholic and my mum a prostitute... and I was beaten all the time and almost sold to slavery by human trafficker's... it's amazing that I am so well adjusted.

Guess that explains why so many "Singaporeans" are strange, not well mannered, crude, kiasu, ... you name it... we got it.

[smackthepony]

I smack my kids too sometimes and I'm not Chinese, I'm from Europe.  I see it happening in Europe too.  maybe you see it more here, but it does happen elsewhere.  I've seen it in supermarkets, shopping centres and restaurants in Europe, so it's not just a Chinese thing.

Some kids are a complete wind-up and end up getting smacked.  I would certainly never hit my kids for no reason and I actually only ever smack the youngest one, but that's because she's the one who's naughty.  I've seen Chinese people smack their kids in public and they've no doubt seen me smack mine before now and I've seen people look surprised to see me smack her, maybe that's because you don't see many Westerners smacking their kids over here, or maybe they're the sort of people who wouldn't hit their kids either.

[AnotherSingaporean]

I don't know if it is a cultural thing but you are right..it's not uncommon here. I think it is not unreasonable of me to say that these are generally people with lower income and education. There are a few reasons for this :-

1) Chinese believes in disciplining the kids and that includes scolding and spanking the kids
2) Singaporeans are a very stressed out lot so they may lose their temper more easily
3) Singaporeans are more concerned about the academic achievement of their children rather than psychological development.

Anyway, I don't think scolding and spanking the kids amount to child abuse.

Just to digress a little...there is caning here in Singapore. So when we are adults and we "do wrong", we can possibly get caned. So if the kids grow up never having been spanked when they do wrong, how can they understand why they can get caned when they are adults?  

i don't support caning, I am just curious as to what others think about this.

[sweet tooth]

It is hard to see parents yelling and hitting their children anywhere.

I wonder if you have your own children. It can be a very trying job at times and there are certainly moments when I feel the need to give myself a time-out. I too have found myself scolding my children when I'm tired from a long day of parenting.

A couple observations: 1) I've seen this a lot in the US as well 2) I've often wondered (and this is speculative) if the Chinese culture tends to work against a strong parent/child bond. Starting in infancy mothers have a confinement lady come. On the one hand I think this is a brilliant set-up. Mothers do need time to rest after birth. On the other hand the first month of a baby's life (yes, this is very controversial but I speak from my personal experience) is a key time to bond. And then with the prevalence of maids/amahs here parents don't really need to be that involved.

On the other hand I love the close extended family set-up here in Singapore. Isn't it nice how often you see a young child out with grandma or grandpa. It seems the grandparents are really involved and that can only benefit the whole family.

I'm very interested in any responses to this.

[SoSo]

We live above an extended Chinese family. Just about every day we hear the son screaming in pain as a cane thuds into him. We can also hear the thuds as he gets (brutally) whacked.

I support limited smacking - maybe one smack on the legs when the child gets out of control, just to shock. Daily brutality is a different thing.

Personally, what I see is that the caning is used to enforce "don't do that" but rarely do I ever see parents getting down to the childs level and explaining WHY. Communication is lacking. I think this is also quite common in most countries I have been living.

The situation in the apartment is the first time I have had such behavior in my close proximity. I find it disturbing to hear the sounds. From personal experience I cannot say whether this is common. However, from observation I do not often see parents here communcating with their children - more letting them do whatever they like (no teaching of self discipline or raising awareness of the consequences of ones actions) and it would appear that the subsequent screaming & shouting is meant to be the discipline.

[Pleasetellme]

Sweet tooth,

No, I am single and I do not have any children but I do hope too sometime in the future. I know as a child, I was disciplined quite often for my unruly behaviour but my parents, who were very strict with me, never did so in public. All took place behind closed doors, or at least out of the public eyes. I'm not saying here that I don't believe in discipline, I support it as how would a child know if he/she did something wrong. But there is a way to discipline a child and practically screaming at your kid, in my eyes, is not the way to do it. Yes, sometimes to get a point across you have to be stern and raise your voice, but to hit and cause a scene, is just uncalled for. Maybe though most people here are just so stressed from work, the whole SARS thing, and life in general that that smallest thing is enough to set them off. At times, I guess you can't blame them. When I have children, will I ever hit them? I hope that I never have to resort to that, but I do believe in sitting them down and explaining to them what they did wrong and not to do that again. But I do realize as well, that just sometimes, talking does not work. Maybe it's just me, but I just hate to see the parents hit and scream at there children in public. And maybe I should also add, that I have noticed that the majority that yell/hit/scream is chinese, although I do agree it can and does happen in any culture.

[rolling ball]

What is amazing is how few extremely violent crimes happening here (at least few that are published on popular newspapers). With the more occurrence of hitting and yelling kids, I think most people would've thought that there will be more violent crimes occurring.

[Singapore Girl]

Interesting remark Rolling Ball... it certainly got me thinking (for a change   )

I think there are four reasons why Singaporeans are not as violent...

(1).  Parents upbringing "forces" them at a very tender age to be "academic" as opposed to sports.  So immediately you get a generation of "book worms" that are smart academically but physically weaker than say Westerners.  Getting grade "A+" is a "high" as opposed to scoring a goal in football.  And... they are "rewarded as well" by their parents.

(2) Censorship at a young age thanks to the Gov't.  Although they can still get hold of movies containing violence - usually they are much older and already their parents have programmed them to be "geeks" than "weekend warriors".  If Person A has more $$$ than Person B, status is attained as opposed to I have more "muscles" and can squash you like a flea!

(3)  Compulsory military service.  Get drilled by the Seargant and run around with the M16 makes many Singaporean guys disdain the Military.  Go back to Western countries and there are man Rambo Weekend Warriors... indeed... some of the manslaughters / violent crimes are committed by teenagers in Western Countries because of tetserone, watching too much Hollywood "glorifying" killing and thus they act on it.  Here in Singapore... ask any Singapore guy who did a rough military service... it is NO joy to hold an M16.

(4)  Tough laws.  Take a life.  Get yours taken by hanging.  Simple.

[This message has been edited by Singapore Girl (edited 05-05-2003).]

[SoSo]

Rolling ball
My own personal feelings on the low violence is:
(1) The small amount that occurs tends to be hidden
(2) Singapore is too small to hide
(3) The imposition of parents is still very strong here
(4) Capital punishment is a stronger deterrent factor

Give it one or two generations when the young will have broken the strictness and it'll grow as it did in the west

[Bagshot. Colonel]

Pleasetellme:
Your political correctness is sad, if not damned infuriating. You must be American (certainly not Canadian) or a young British? Australian? - very sad.

If you had any experience in life you would know that the cut and thrust of family disagreements, (esp in large families) when treated humbly and honestly (no so-called super humans) includes bad language (but not like in US family tv and movies) and threats (delivered out of desperation but never carried through) and much more grasped from the parental arsenal passed on from mother to daughter - in summary its life for the majority of normal people. Its predictable to the older children, which is strangely comforting.

How many times did your mother say to you, when you were misbehaving "if you do that one more time........." Again, again and again!

Its our culture. Why be ashamed? Its the way we have always coped - effectively. Singaporeans are no different. They have wives, husbands, kids who can compete with the best to drive their parents wild. That you should think they should be so different is not so much offensive as naieve.  

Were not all American Dr Ruth - with all the answers - mostly being associated with a limp penis. Thats enough to make any aspiring delinquent behave  

[Hmm]

It's odd, though.  I have often been struck by the way Singaporean fathers tenderly look after their young children - that is, those aged about 6 or younger.

As the children grow older, though, fathers seem to distance themselves and so do mothers - there is not that degree of softness and kindness that you see in the behaviour of parents/younger kids.  Seems a shame, really.  

I can't remember ever having been smacked by my parents, although they assure me I was.  I have smacked my children (only once at a time, as a warning that THAT IS IT!), and although I know many Singaporeans feel that a caning is a useful means of punishment, I can only imagine that it would promote poor parental/child relationships.

I strongly feel that through parental example, talking, gentle discipline and, most importantly, love, the child will grow into someone who has far more to offer than a child who has been beaten.

[Bagshot. Col]

Hmm,
rely on your instincts and not Hollywood bullsh*t and/or political correctness. Your kids will work hard to strike up a relationship with you and understand "where you are coming from"
(US coll). This helps them learn whats what.

If you dont react approprioately when they do wrong then you will have ticked one of many boxes which will determine their bahaviour and values, responses etc.

We differ from animals because we have a conscience - if you dont exhibit this and back it up you will partly sanitise your children of this human quality. They look to you to show them how to behave - if you are American and imply that misbehaviour is in any way "cool" - you will have let them down badly.

[Pleasetellme]

Bagshot. Colonel,

Ok. So my political correctness is sad. So what! And what makes you assume that I'm an American or a young brit or an Australian? By my post? Just because I say that I wonder why I see a majority of Chinese parents scolding their kids in public like it's no big thing? And you say that I'm certainly not a Canadian! What makes you think that? You must be a Canadian by that statement! And how does my race have anything to do with my post? If anything, your quite the ignorant one by stating such a thing as you try and narrow down what I am. I will not give you the pleasure of knowing what race I am, because it's really beside the point here. But I will let you know, that I am none of the above mentioned.

Before I posted this whole thing, I asked a bunch of my friends, some of which are Chinese, Indonesian, Malaysian, Indian, etc. and they too have to agree that they also see the same thing as myself. Some of my close Chinese friends say that it's a common thing with their parents to act in this way. Being that I was not born and raised here, I am not use to seeing such a thing but it is almost commonplace to those that have spent most of their lives here. I have found, like what most of my friends say and a few people that have replied to this post, that it is basically a cultural thing, that seems to occur more amongst Chinese families then it does in other cultures. It's just a simple observation that I have made and while I find it sad that I see it a lot, every family is different and how they handle their kids is not the same with everyone.

And to Hmm, I agree with you that a child that is brought up in a loving enviroment, will grow up to be alot better off than the child that was constantly yelled at and beaten by there parents. Thanks though for your post. No hard feelings, of course

[gettagrip]

As a Singaporean i had been yelled out in public many times.Been caned many times.Do i care?Of course i do.But its just part of discipline here.Its like almost every parent does it.Huh,even my neighbours..well all that matters here is good grades.