Sad before Wedding

[ohyes]

yup, everything in the asian countries is about $$$$$$$.

take away the elderly care, health care, or whatever you call it in the western countries provided free by the governments and you can see the same thing happening.  

[oh yes how true]

yup, everything in the asian countries is about $$$$$$$.

take away the elderly care, health care, or whatever you call it in the western countries provided free by the governments and you can see the same thing happening.  

the same thing happening like what?  Like people in the west getting 2 maids to take care of the elderly parent that they'd never, ever, ever, ever consider putting into a nursing home..............EVER!

oh, unless the gov suddenly banned maids and then you'd see nursing homes popping up like zits on a teenager's face

 

[materialauntie]

op is one of those materialistic, money minded aunties in singapore. her first post itself, all about how much money she gave her parents. and yet she hardly sees them.

i think thats the reason whhy chinese and white people marry so often, since they both love money so much. 

[pietynotmoney]

Parents decide to have children, not the other way around. Your mother knew what costs would be involved. Having children isn't an 'investment' that they can then tap up when they get older.
Just another case of the typical money money money attitude of people around here. Can't just be happy for her daughter, no has to refer to the bank balance as the most important issue and use 'culture' as an excuse to get a free handout.

Cold cold people. No wonder they all look so miserable.

i think op is the money minded one here. just like one of the earlier posters said very nicely, fillial piety isnt just about giving money to your parents. op seems to equate piety with money.

[lookathersn]

I am upset of course with her implying that I was an ungrateful daughter but I'd like to find out whether I have broken a tradition or failed an obligation - and whether this would apply in a Western as well as an Eastern culture.

I hope your mum is not just implying.  You ARE ungrateful. Period.

look at the name she chose for herself: little princess when she is most probably in her 30s, gives you an inkling to her inner soul if you ask me. 

[Mr Porky]

I am upset of course with her implying that I was an ungrateful daughter but I'd like to find out whether I have broken a tradition or failed an obligation - and whether this would apply in a Western as well as an Eastern culture.

I hope your mum is not just implying.  You ARE ungrateful. Period.

look at the name she chose for herself: little princess when she is most probably in her 30s, gives you an inkling to her inner soul if you ask me. 

Actually your reply gives us all an inkling that you completely missed the irony in the name she chose if you asked me. But then again you probably think I'm a real pig that uses the farmer's computer when he's out molesting the sheep.

[duh!!!!!]

Parents decide to have children, not the other way around. Your mother knew what costs would be involved. Having children isn't an 'investment' that they can then tap up when they get older.
Just another case of the typical money money money attitude of people around here. Can't just be happy for her daughter, no has to refer to the bank balance as the most important issue and use 'culture' as an excuse to get a free handout.

Cold cold people. No wonder they all look so miserable.

i think op is the money minded one here. just like one of the earlier posters said very nicely, fillial piety isnt just about giving money to your parents. op seems to equate piety with money.

Maybe thats because her mother said she hadnt given her any cash handouts! Duh!!!

Its no wonder you idiots need to rely on your children for handouts. You are all so damn stupid.

[Gobsmacked]

Such a disgusting obession with money. It makes me sick. "It's not about money. It's respect."? So long as respect comes in the form of folded paper in a red packet, right?

If my future wife's mother started putting her hand out for money in the form of allowances (while they make more than my own parents), and demanding flights and hotels for their family to attend my wedding etc, I would think twice about marrying her.

What is going to happen down the road when the OP assumingly has children and possibly stops working for a while? Should her then-husband continue to pay for the generosities bestowed on his wife during her childhood? Oh, don't tell me - this is Asian culture, right? He should be respectful? Utter nonsense.

OP, I would tell your mother that your husband's family is expecting them to pay. It's their culture to have the bride's family pay, after all.  (Ironically, the fiance's parents have probably moved on from that, but let's face it, the OP's parents would expect it if the culture's were reversed!)

To all the 'filial' posters here, do you expect your children to support you in your old age? Are you expecting allowances etc from your children - even if they too are busy raising their own children? I know so many locals that very begrudgingly give their parents money each month. Not exactly filial at all!

[Mr Porky]

Just like dowries in India it's a third world practice. You can't really blame them. A few generations back singaporeans were just coolie immigrants. Every generation became better off so was expected to help the poorer less educated generation before them. Totally unneccessary now but its a perfect excuse for the greedy to uneccessarily suck the resources out of their own children in the name of values and 'face'.

[2 sides]

Given that more than one culture is involved here, how much respect are the OPs parents giving to the western (say British) tradition that it is the parents of the bride who pay for the entire wedding.

I have actual experience of this when my Singapore Chinese father in law (with whom I have an excellent relationship) initially decided that there would be 150 of his business associates at our wedding plus every relative you could possibly unearth.  We wanted a small discrete wedding and when we initially said this we were reminded of Chinese culture, respect etc.  At this point my good wife asked what part of the groom was Chinese and was he aware of the British tradition that the brides father pays.

At this point, reality dawned, and it wasn't about cash, filial piety etc but rather that that it was a mix of 2 different cultures, both of which need to be accepted

We did this a different way..... locally we got married and had a semi-traditional Chinese wedding though with some of the games at the dinner taken out that i wouldn't understand. The point of a Chinese wedding is to basically turn a profit and send the newly weds off with some cash in hand (Red Packet)..... rather than the old Western way (before lists) of sending them off with two dinner sets, four toasters and a plastic wine rack from cheap cousin Bert.

The more people invited the higher chance of a profit and the food is usually budgeted just below the income of the table for such a purpose.

My parents flew in from the UK to attend the wedding and spend a bit of time on holiday.

Six months later we had a dinner/reception/party back in the UK for the family that couldn't/didn't want to fly out. For this, the parents of the groom paid (i.e. mine) but which afterwards i threw a few quid their way..... which, after i left, they banked back into my own account

A little give and take on both sides and with an understanding that there are differences, everybody can still have a great time. My kilt at the Chinese wedding made up for a lot of what we had otherwise removed, for example

I'm glad to say that we weren't remotely interested in a profit from our wedding dinner.  I made sure that my guests had excellent food and lots and lots of good booze - cheap wine is certainly something I would never serve.  The size of the bar tab I picked up at the end of the night proved a good night was had by all.

[crows]

chinese, malays, indians and every race on earth have their own customs and traditions.

it is the practice of most asian countries to have the young support the elders. it is also common for the groom to pay for the wedding expenses including betrothal gifts.

just because some of you disagree with these traditions and customs, doesnt mean they are third world practices or the people are a bunch of greedy money grabbers.

[blacktie]

OP also wanted face since she is having her wedding in Sg but why not in Malaysia. Wasn't she from Malaysia? Or is Malaysia not POSH enough for her wedding to be held there?
 
Typically most brides would have their weddings at own home country and or at the grooms home country else ceremonies at both countries.

Weddings I attended so far:

Bride (OZ) Groom (Malaysia) Wedding Venue: Bali (Divorced after 1 yr)

Bride (Sg) Groom (US) Wedding Venue: US (rocky marriage)

Bride (Sg) Groom (OZ) Wedding Venue: SG (still happily married)

Bride (OZ) Groom (US) Wedding Venue: OZ (still hapily married)

Bride (Sg) Groom (France) Wedding Venue: France (bride came home by herself after 2 yrs)

Bride (SG) Groom (Germany) Wedding Venue: SG (still happily married)

[non Chinese Asian]

To PP, who cares where the wedding will be held? There are lots of Malaysian-Chinese in Singapore who are PR and have been living here forever. Most of their friends live here so it would be pretty natural to have the wedding here as well.

OP, you probably thought posting on an expat forum would get you more pple to agree on you but you see, it's not about Western vs Asian values to respect your parents.
The fact that you were going to pay anyway, but only tell them when the bill is presented only gives me the impression that you wanted that big appreciation from your family and relatives. It is only courteous to inform family members before the wedding what part you will be supporting to pay for, after all, it is your decision to have your wedding in Singapore.
I grew up in Europe from a very young age and although I feel way more European, I still respect my home country's culture and values. My wedding was done in western style but I still respected my parents' wishes to do some old traditional things as well; ie. pay for out-of-town guests. Among many things, our parents paid for the relatives' transportation fee, we paid for our friend's accommodation fees who flew in from overseas (thankfully they could use their miles for the flight). It's also about showing appreciation to your guests that make an effort to travel to celebrate your special day. Just because you lived overseas for a while and are marrying a western guy, doesn't mean you can do everything in the western way. And don't compare his parents with yours, it's a different culture!

And pple, can we pls stop talking about money being Asian culture? It's def not all about money at all in my country, it's uniquely very Chinese!

And btw, I don't see any "irony" in her "little princess" name at all, it gave me an inkling too to what kind of person OP might be...

[Mr Porky]

Well thats just a clear example of why Asians dont get irony and just see things in black and white. If she really was a little princess do you think she would refer to herself one???

I'm going to start calling myself Mr Amazing in future if you people are intent on reading so much into an internet forum handle.

and no I'm not a real pig.

[justins]

have a nice day