Sad before Wedding

[wandering by]

she want you marry chinaman with little winky

Give it a rest, Dr L. The long flight may have made you cranky but there's no need to take it out on Singaporean men.

[greatkids]

Selfish parents will bring up selfish kids too! vicious cycle

clear cut scenario from OP's classic case! good luck to OP's kids!

[Singapore is NOT China!]

On the topic of chinese and money, its funny that respect to the dead is shown by burning.... you guessed it.

Would have been a lot more environmentally friendly if each family just burns a piece of blank cheque rather than wads of the stuff

I am tired of the millionth post where people claim to know all about Chinese culture by living in Singapore.

[fastidious]

Singapore! Where superstition meets stupidity.


Yes I totally agree... Stupidity so apparent in the form where crude and inconsiderate dimwits outwardly MOCK other's aged-old customs. What 'class' these pathetic people exhibit... reflecting their own obvious poor upbringing! Yes I agree they are stupid indeed!

[Mr Amazing]

Singapore! Where superstition meets stupidity.


Yes I totally agree... Stupidity so apparent in the form where crude and inconsiderate dimwits outwardly MOCK other's aged-old customs. What 'class' these pathetic people exhibit... reflecting their own obvious poor upbringing! Yes I agree they are stupid indeed!

I saw a classic example today. Huge metal cage burning away right next to the side of the main road. Huge flames engulfing the left lane. Cyclists literally had to cycle out into the middle lane to avoid riding through the flames, where of course kiasu idiots in cars refused to move over even though the cyclists were at risk.

Burning huge amounts of fake money to keep the ancestors happy = Superstition

Burning it right next to the road where it endangered the general public = Stupidity

[flewaway]

OP - there are a lot of issues raised here, and some of them may be valid, some not.

But from your posts it seems like the main issue is the emotional enmeshment that your parents try to keep you in, so I'll just address that one.

This isn't an Asian problem solely, but I do notice that it happens a lot more in Asia. Asian parents (this is purely in general) tend to want their kids to be kids forever. Generally, one of two things happens: 1) the child grows into an adult and decides (perhaps for lack of choice, or lack of awareness) to stay in that situation... sometimes unwillingly. Or, 2) a situation such as yours, where there is a backlash and the consequent guilt, resentment, anger and all the other issues that follow.

Your family sounds remarkably like mine, and while our issues are manifested differently, they probably come from the same place.

As far as money goes, it seems like you buy expensive gifts for them because it eases the burden of not seeing them so much. I can empathize... it sometimes kills me to have to spend time with my parents because they can get very emotionally overbearing, but I try to make up for my own guilt by doing things for them and buying things from them. 

I don't know about the other numerous issues brought up here, but the one thing I do know is that only when you are able to emotionally detach yourself from your parents, can you possibly look forward to your own life. You need to exercise your values... never mind if you make mistakes, because at least they will be YOUR mistakes and YOU will bear the consequence.

It can be difficult to grow up and split from your parents' emotions, but it's necessary. It's hard when you've had the background that you mentioned - I understand that perfectly. And there will be several occasions where your inner critic will lash out at you for it. But when you're emotionally independent, you'll be able to decide how and where to set your boundaries with your parents.

In my case, it took 18 months of absolutely no contact with them to finally come to a stage where we could be in the same room together. I had to confront some pretty difficult truths about myself too, and force myself out of bad habits that I had. Now, the relationship is on equal terms. There are still several hurdles, but at least it's on the right track.

I don't know if I've hit on your issue or not, but I hope this helps somewhat. I also recommend the book 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward if you feel that this is something you may want to explore. This is one of the most difficult things you will have to do, but also one of the most rewarding. Hope things work out for you!

[The little princess]

Thanks for that response, Flewaway, and the book recommendation. I think you may have hit the nail on the head.

There are certainly a lot of issues but when I started the opening post, I was really just thinking about the money / travel to wedding issue. I wasn't planning on getting a heated debate going - just thought that some people may help me see both sides of the coin - some may ease my guilt a little but some may help me understand my parents and make me feel that they aren't the problem.

One of the reasons I moved away from home is to distance myself from the past, and to some extent it's been very good for my mental health. I doubt if I would have been able to maintain a healthy relationship otherwise, because I would either be fighting my parents or trying to justify my relationship to them.

Anyway, thanks all for the comments, good & bad, and the good laugh from some.

[Flewaway]

No worries.
If you need a support group there are a couple of us trying to start one. Let me know.

[invest]

I give my parents money every month but I also know they don't really use the money and eventually it will go back to me. Being filial while at the same time, a form of savings.

[Basil Brush 2]

Parents decide to have children, not the other way around. Your mother knew what costs would be involved. Having children isn't an 'investment' that they can then tap up when they get older.
Just another case of the typical money money money attitude of people around here. Can't just be happy for her daughter, no has to refer to the bank balance as the most important issue and use 'culture' as an excuse to get a free handout.

You are totally clueless. Try to open those little piggy eyes and actually read what has been written in earlier posts.

As a general rule, Chinese parents don't see having kids as an "investment". What they look for from their children is respect and appreciation for all the sacrifices that have been made for the children. Chinese folks don't do the kissy-huggy-I-love-you stuff.The giving of money is a gesture of that respect and appreciation.  If the children are in financial difficulties, the parents will know and understand that and will make sure that that money is returned. Don't diss what you don't understand.

On the contrary, I think Porky is (as usual) absolutely hitting the nail on the head.

Expecting your children, that you decided to have, to give you money each month is a typical 'banknotes on the table' Chinese deal. Nothing is done, not even having children without a social expectation of a good return on the investment.

To the Chinese it appears un-filial, to the westerner it appears callous and almost pornographically money-grubbing (i.e. the concept that appreciation can be shown and accepted without getting your wallet out seems alien)

As LKY said earlier this year, he expects it will take 50 years for SG to become a gracious society. Perhaps some 'filial suckers' might like to ponder what will be cast aside in order to reach that point...

[ofcourse]

Of course, to the westerner it appears callous and almost pornographically money-grubbing because you are asking them to part with money which should be spend on themselves adn they themselves only.

Who cares if mum and pop are watching over every single penny, who cares if mum and pop are sick and need that extra $10. the governemnt will take care of it. no big deal.

[Mr Amazing]

Of course, to the westerner it appears callous and almost pornographically money-grubbing because you are asking them to part with money which should be spend on themselves adn they themselves only.

Who cares if mum and pop are watching over every single penny, who cares if mum and pop are sick and need that extra $10. the governemnt will take care of it. no big deal.

But doesnt that attitude also work the other way? Who cares if your children are just starting out in life, who cares if its tough for them to afford raising their own young family. Mom and Pop need a good old slice of that just so they can boast to the neighbours. No big deal.

[UK girl]

I'm from UK and weddings there seem to cause all sorts of family frictions too.  We did  a very small registry office wedding with only immediate family members (8 in all) too avoid the expense and hassle.  My sister-in-law buggered off to the West Indies for hers and invited nobody.  I'd like to know of a country/culture where there are never any problems of some sort regarding the planning of a wedding.

[BBrush2]

Yeah quite. Mothers seem specialists in getting their oar right into things at the last minute and making things as guilt-laden and wretched as possible.

I don't know why they do it, but it seems almost like a ground-rule.

BB2 (married last week!)

[Why???]

she want you marry chinaman with little winky

Chinaman is a deragory term and this is clearly meant as a racist remark but BM chose to leave this while deleting loads of other less inflammatory remarks. Why the double standard?