I'd be surprised if this is really at the heart of the matter here. ..... My guess is that they're taking this opportunity to voice their general disapproval here with your decision.
It's not the decision that they disapprove of. What they are really upset about is their daughter's lack of filial piety, or at least what they think is a lack of filial piety.
For the Chinese, filial piety is demonstrated in the form of a grown child's willingness to support his/her parents in their old age. This is so even if the parents are not in need of support or are materially better off than their child.
It's not the money that they want. They want their child to show appreciation and gratitude for the multitude of sacrifices that the parents have made for the child. If the child is struggling financially, filial piety is shown by offering token regular allowances to the parents. Often this offer of money will be turned down. If not , it will find its way back to the child through gifts etc because parents understand if their children are going through difficult times.
OP, you are free not to embrace Chinese culture and not to have such expectations of your own children, but you ought to honour your parents in a way that they understand.
totally agree with what this poster said.
yet, like the 2 posters after have a point too. often that "appreciation" has to materialise (no pun intended) in the form of financial tokens or things that are look obviously connected to money with Asian/Chinese parents.
even with the parents are well-off themselves! gifts of money or gifts like trips where large amounts of moolah is involved are always seen a 'true from the heart' gesture to show one's kids REALLY care.
i guess it indicates if your struggling kid is willing to part with a lot of his or her LIMITED money .... it reads as a HUGE indication of love and filial piety bec = parents (with limited means) also made those sacrifices to educate or care for their kids to the best of their ability as the children were growing up. the equation works out.
that aside, don't even drag the relatives, friends (and all their input and one-upmanship bragging) about how-what their kids are always paying for like plasma TVS, Europe trips, cars etc.
these remarks sometimes set benchmarks for comparison.
what some parents don't realise is:
if one kid has 6 houses already, giving one away is really quite insignificant. this means you only have 5 left.
however, if another kid has trouble struggling to buy even one house, then giving 3 rooms of that house away seems to be to be a larger gesture.
as a Chinese local who believe in filial piety, i can also see how certain set ways and expectations of how filial piety should be enacted can be irksome.
events like funerals or weddings can sometimes lose their purpose and focus for so many Asian couples. these events sometimes become a 'wayang' (opera) show. a circus of juggling acts to please parents and their expectations of how it should be. with a whole lot of unwanted input from parents' cronies, relatives, even church people et al. all of which add to the general stress of the couple.the diplomatic strategising many also involve a whole bunch of uncooperative relatives who cannot sit with each other which can make fitting numbers at those ten-seater tables very challenging.
funerals:
what? no caterers at a funeral? no hot meals nightly at wakes?
how can? we came for the wake tonight without eating dinner.
ahhhh now the dead man loses face. (his kids are also unfilial)
really? or is it just the living that loses face?
and at the end of the day, what face is there to lose?
up yours. at the end of the day, it's MY money.
eg this filial piety thing. it can be a vicious cycle. the remaining parent living loses face if events like wakes are not done according to (sometimes unrealistic) expectations; and if the kids don't contribute substantially to the funeral expenses or they need to cut whatever costs for pragmatic reasons ... it is all seen as a sign of being unfilial.
what a bunch of bollocks. screw this. go get your own dinner before coming.
what is the whole purpose anyways in visiting the deceased at a wake, or in going to a wedding?
on the flip side:
there are well off Asian kids who have no time for their parents because they are too busy making yet more money.. it's so much easier to pay for their parents' maids, cars, cruises and trips et al and make peace with their conscience that they ARE filial.
OP:
congratulations on your upcoming wedding. all the best!
tread carefully and sensitively. do NOT fall into that trap of comparing your in-laws and your parents. culturally, there have different mindsets even among groups of Chinese parents of dialect groups - they already have different mindsets and expecations). your situation is just more complicated.
inversely look at it this way - your parents may also have done for you what his parents may not have. you may have forgetten or taken that for granted.
esp more so at the end of the day, and this being one of the basic rules of filial piety:
remember these are YOUR parents. remember your upbringing, and it's up to you to negotiate waters tactfully.
