Sad before Wedding

[BeCompassionate]

The fact that you are concerned about falling out of your culture shows that you are not. I know many american born chinese when i lived in the US who go to ivy league universities. They are more asian than singapore chinese. Singaporeans have been westernized via western media while you have been living in the US.
I think your parents have crossed a boundary by asking for money. however I would just pay for them to come for the wedding if I could afford it. Just because they asked. If not, paint the same picture for them as you just did for this forum.

[eewwwww]

To OP:

What's with paying for ya own family to come here for ya OWN wedding? It's a real thoughtful gesture on ya part as their daughter, regardless they can afford anot. HOw expensive would that be? Merely Malaysia to Sg. I think your immediate family members would not stinge on their red packets to you if they realise you too had been generous in the beginning.

I shudder to think you aimed to keep silent and not raise any expectations till the eventual moment when being thrust with a bill at ya face? Any particular reasons for Not Offering? Unless you clearly do not have no slightest intention to foot bill or ya think ya family might take advantage of this kind gesture of yrs?

It's not about CHinese or what culture... But What ya parents VALUE.
If you respect them... give them sufficient FACE value! Filial piety SHOULD be observed but not blindly.

Parents offering to contribute to their children's wedding expenses is SUCH a common scene here.

Ultimately you need to give sufficient FACE to your parents infront of all famly and friends.
If you had been spoilt rotten by ya family, it's time to contribute YA PART gal!


That said... it's ya wedding do what u fancy...

[TypicalChinese]

They're asking their daughter to pay for them to attend her fancy wedding. Not asking for handouts.

OP, nice. Now strangers are calling your parents shameful, borderline obsessive selfish... Wish I had a daughter like you. NOT.

Well, you have no one but your parents to blame for raising you with a lack of respect for them.

Just imagine having a financial 'debt' to your parents just for being their child. Incredible. Can you think of anything more shameful than asking your own children for money. Didnt these people make a success of their own lives? Are they not ashamed to ask for handouts?

The OPs mother is bordering on the obsessive. I cant believe people base their relationships with their own children on how much money they can squeeze out of them. Shameful.

Values indeed. Its just taking advantage of your kids to get their money. Parents should support their children and then their children should support their children. Being in your 30s and having to support your children AND your parents  (especially when they dont need your money) is a ridiculous and unneccessary hardship.

Selfishness through and through. I dont envy anyone born into that nightmare of demands and selfishness from your own parents!!!!

[parents]

did you talk to your parents about accomodation, travel plans etc for your parents and relatives? apparently a no from your post.

i am sure your relatives must have asked them. what do you expect your parents to tell them. some must have made snide remarks. no wonder your parents are upset.

[2 sides]

Given that more than one culture is involved here, how much respect are the OPs parents giving to the western (say British) tradition that it is the parents of the bride who pay for the entire wedding.

I have actual experience of this when my Singapore Chinese father in law (with whom I have an excellent relationship) initially decided that there would be 150 of his business associates at our wedding plus every relative you could possibly unearth.  We wanted a small discrete wedding and when we initially said this we were reminded of Chinese culture, respect etc.  At this point my good wife asked what part of the groom was Chinese and was he aware of the British tradition that the brides father pays.

At this point, reality dawned, and it wasn't about cash, filial piety etc but rather that that it was a mix of 2 different cultures, both of which need to be accepted

 LOL!
Bet there was a massive "Waaaaaaaaaaaaah" when she dropped that bombshell on him.

Did he pay? How many business associates turned up?

I think it certainly raised an eyebrow and then he realised that it was actually our wedding which we decided to pay for given that we are both successful professionals.  We did receive an extremely generous red packet.

My family and friends flew form the UK and were more than happy to do so.  Of course there was no hint of having to pay for them.

What I have noticed generally from my fairly long time in Singapore and my insiders knowledge is that the statements about tradition, filial piety, culture etc are all really about parents wanting to retain control over their childrens lives - it may often manifest itself through money but it is in reality about control.

If you think about it, you can see the logic in people in the UK moving as far away from home as possible - I know I certainly did.  It's pretty hard to do that in an island 40 x 20 Ks.

[tskstsks]

"I would have paid anyway but because I didn't want to create an expectation, I wasn't going to say anything until the bill was presented."
U didn't want to create an expectation for fear that there would be unnecessary unexplained expenses or so conveniently do not feel like paying for them at all unless forced to do so finally?? tskstsks!

"Conveniently forgetting the expensive presents when I visit (admittedly not often)"
Expensive Gifts are NOT filial money (filial $$ need not be huge sums) regardless of expensive these gifts may be... But even yaself admitted that these expensive gifts were not that often. I got this feeling that you conveniently forget about ya family after you moved overseas.

"and me giving her every single cent in my savings account after taking out only enough money to cover living expenses for a few weeks when I decided to move abroad for work."
I do not know how much you gave that one time to ya mother when you moved. But it's not the END of ya responsibilities for ya parents or the end of heartfelt continous filial piety to them.

" And she reminded me that so and so booked the entire resort for their family when they got married...."
From this sentence I can see that your mother is one who is concerned about her FACE infront of relatives. If you can afford to pay all the expenses then PLEASE do so... do not cause a ruckus here if you can jolly well afford and yet do so grudgingly here...!!!!!

"Frankly, my fiance's parents would never have expected us to pay for them to come and they are flying in from Europe and they even offered to contribute towards the wedding expenses, but we said that there was no need although we were grateful for the offer. They are a lot less well-off than my parents. But then again, maybe they are an exception rather than the norm..."
Parents offering to foot part or all of their kid's housing, marriage expenses are a tad common thesedays. Your parents-in-law are not exceptionally kind here. Just what mere dotting parents mostly do... duh!

[heydude!]

Why is our 'chinese little princess' hiding behind her lappy, not airing her thoughts towards the explosive contributions here?!

[parent of the bride]

Speaking as a parent, I'd be happy to pay to fly to see my children get married if that was what was required. 

I'd view it as a holiday, the chance to go somewhere new and have a happy event and then possibly go on somewhere else for myself and partner to have our own little 'honeymoon' afterwards.

If my kids offered to pay for me, then that'd be lovely, but I wouldn't expect it at all. 

People make too much out of weddings - they become some kind of trial for the bridge and groom and I'm sure that half the time the 'happy' couple wish they'd just eloped and got on with it minus the desperate relatives.

[also mixed marriage]

I think it was a bit irresponsible on your part already knowing what was expected and choosing to ignore it till the matter came up.  Your mother was probably caught in the middle when the relatives asked of the situation.

It is natural for her to get upset and bring up things (eg the monthly allowance) that bothered her but which she (up until now)graciously tried to ignore.  You must admit, she must have tried her best efforts to accept that you are not obliged to give her an allowance but still, it means a lot to her that you show some sort of traditional filial piety.

[Mr Porky]

This whole 'Face' issue is just people too immature to face up to reality. "Ooh he made me lose face'"
Grow up and get over it.

Still lets put this all in perspective. Mother shamefully expecting some cold hard cash from their children just to 'save face' isn't as bad as having your son kill your daughter after she 'disgraced' the family after being raped by her Uncle. The Middle East honor killings wins the cruel parents losing face title hands down.

[hibride]

since you are a malaysian and your parents and relatives are living there, why aren't you having your wedding there?

so be it if you dont wish to contribute any $ or visit them regularly. but do you expect to an heir to their estate?

dont think this is a "face" issue or parents wanting "cold hard cash" from children. just some appreciatin or regular calls from you.

my husband is from hk yet he makes the effort to call his parent and sibilings each week to talk. he gives his mum pocket money montly and all siblings chipped in to pay for medical expenses etc. yes his mum is well off but it is the thoughts/action that counts.

some of our friends (from usa/uk - mind you not asians but truly yellow hair, blue eyes) paid for accommodations for their relatives and friends when they got married.  recently there was an article in the papers about this malaysian bride who bought tickets for her relatives to fly to spore for her wedding - but flight was cancelled.

well, hope you can sort out this issue before the big day. congratulations.

[jooson]

Hey we cannot choose our parents, good or bad!

We only hope we can graciously accept each other's shortcomings and their imperfections. At the end of the day compromisation comes in!

It's only a one time payment or expenses from OP to provide accomodation maybe plus travel expenses for her family and relatives to her fnacy wedding. It's not as if she is gonna be DOIN it a second, third time (oooppppsss... maybe... but touchwood!)Relax! Nothing to whine about here. I believed OP should have extended her intentions to pay for her family early. OP clearly lacking EQ here!

It's also that one time/one day that OP gives face to her mother infront of her relatives. What soooooo difficult??? Didn't her mother carry her for 9months and not complained??? Brought Op up tirelesly til she was ready to fly overseas!

So....What with pleasing her own mother for once!!?!!!
It't not the mother is demanding that OP does it 24/7, 365 days for eternity... ANything wrong? It's ok to give face, respect to ya parents' wishes, within reasonable limits of even if it's purely your own wedding.

OP, U are not by ya mother's side, accompanying her at home or bringing her out as and when, nor giving her a monthly token sum of financial support, regardless whether yr parents require this assistance anot...  This is appalling to me! So being not Chinese and far away from home makes you ingrate! Words are cheap... actions speaks louder!!!
Makes everyone happy!

Do it out of the good will and out of ya OWN sincere heart!!! U reap what you sow! remember OP you will have your own kids too someday...

[I repeat...]

Actions speak louder than words!  It's the thought that counts!

So...ACT now and give me money to show you are thinking about me. 

Chinese are all about money, no matter how you dress it up with words like "filial piety", which just means "give your parents money."

[Wonder123]

Just wondering... did your parents complain about paying for the airfare, hotel accomodation, meals, tours etc when they took the entire family for all the holidays you've had when you were growing up? How does it compare to inviting them this one time to your wedding?

[Scotch Mist]

Given that more than one culture is involved here, how much respect are the OPs parents giving to the western (say British) tradition that it is the parents of the bride who pay for the entire wedding.

I have actual experience of this when my Singapore Chinese father in law (with whom I have an excellent relationship) initially decided that there would be 150 of his business associates at our wedding plus every relative you could possibly unearth.  We wanted a small discrete wedding and when we initially said this we were reminded of Chinese culture, respect etc.  At this point my good wife asked what part of the groom was Chinese and was he aware of the British tradition that the brides father pays.

At this point, reality dawned, and it wasn't about cash, filial piety etc but rather that that it was a mix of 2 different cultures, both of which need to be accepted

We did this a different way..... locally we got married and had a semi-traditional Chinese wedding though with some of the games at the dinner taken out that i wouldn't understand. The point of a Chinese wedding is to basically turn a profit and send the newly weds off with some cash in hand (Red Packet)..... rather than the old Western way (before lists) of sending them off with two dinner sets, four toasters and a plastic wine rack from cheap cousin Bert.

The more people invited the higher chance of a profit and the food is usually budgeted just below the income of the table for such a purpose.

My parents flew in from the UK to attend the wedding and spend a bit of time on holiday.

Six months later we had a dinner/reception/party back in the UK for the family that couldn't/didn't want to fly out. For this, the parents of the groom paid (i.e. mine) but which afterwards i threw a few quid their way..... which, after i left, they banked back into my own account

A little give and take on both sides and with an understanding that there are differences, everybody can still have a great time. My kilt at the Chinese wedding made up for a lot of what we had otherwise removed, for example