Have you noticed your kids growing up, emotionally?

[9 yo]

I was helping my 9yo daughter with some math homework the other day and it struck me how much she'd developed intellectually. It didn't seem to that long ago when she was struggling to comprehend basic subtraction or division a few years ago, and now she's doing sums that quite blow my mind away.

When I throw out her too-small clothes or whack a tennis ball to the end of the court, I realise how much she's grown physically.

Yet what I can't discern is much change in her emotionally. She still seems the same little girl before, getting upset over the same things she had before or expressing herself the same way as years ago or being interested in the same activities as a few years ago.

I'm not worried or critical but just curious if this is a feature of the pre-teen years. That only when the hormones kick in will she really mature emotionally. In some ways, I'm happy for her to retain her child-like innocence, though I suppose with it comes childishness as well. And in view of the way some kids can "grow up too fast", as in acting or trying to act/dress/ talk like a little grown-up or Britney Spears, then I'm definitely relieved.

Any observations of parents of girls this age -- or who've passed this stage, so I know when this little blissful phase passes!

[What are you saying?!]

"though I suppose with it comes childishness as well"

She is 9 years old! She is still a child! Good for her, let her be.

[two girls]

I think the childish thing is something that is because of living here - or at least with our girls I believe that.  They're 12 and 10 and although they seem quite grown up in some ways, they're definitely still childlike in others which I'm pleased about.  The eldest will act more grown up with her schoolfriends but she's happy to come home and play lego or whatever with her younger sister (so long as the schoolfriends don't see!).

When we go home for a visit I notice that the cousins are a bit more streetwise than our girls and I think that's the way it is for a lot of kids back home.  They relax a bit with our girls though because they seem to realise that they don't have to put on an act with them like they do with their peers and they'll all play with toys together - so the streetwise thing is the act, the playing seems to be the reality.

[hahahaha]

I think the childish thing is something that is because of living here...

I thought you were going to make a comment about the 30 year old 'women' who have stuffed toy collections in their office cubicles and their car windows for a minute there

[9 yo]

Thanks for your thoughts Two Girls.

It occurred to me that the reason my daughter (and maybe yours too) is still childlike emotionally yet advanced intellectually and physically is also a matter of training time. By that I mean, I certainly don't "teach" her emotional development 1 hr a day, 5 days a week like she gets taught Math, or 1 hr per week like tennis etc. So unless she goes to the "school of hard knocks", be it with more mature (or dysfunctional!) peers, her emotional growth is naturally going to lag her other aspects. And while I'm all for childlike innocence, I realise that I need to address this other very important aspect of growing up more often. There are certain personality traits of her that definitely need more work on!

[two girls]

I think the childish thing is something that is because of living here...

I thought you were going to make a comment about the 30 year old 'women' who have stuffed toy collections in their office cubicles and their car windows for a minute there

LOL, I can see why you might think that, but on that subject, it does seem to be more acceptable here to go all gooey over cute things so perhaps that's why they don't get teased too much at school if they're into it.  I remember one of our girls going on camp when they were around 9 years old and the boys all had their favourite teddy or toy with them and not one of them was embarrassed about it.......I can't see that happening back home!

So unless she goes to the "school of hard knocks", be it with more mature (or dysfunctional!) peers, her emotional growth is naturally going to lag her other aspects.

Don't worry too much about that, I noticed a big change in our eldest when she started secondary school - she's still a nice girl and is still into cute stickers and things from time to time but she has grown up quite a bit.  The youngest starts secondary soon and I'm sure we'll see a change in her too.

In fact thinking about them maturing at school - there are girls in the school who are much 'cooler' than our eldest and she's admitted that certain girls don't bother with her and her friends because they're not cool enough but strangely it doesn't seem to bother her that much.  The turning point for this will probably be if her close friends leave or change schools (as so many do around here), she might change then because she needs new friends and the cool ones are the only ones left....but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

You do also get dysfunctional kids in the schools here and a bit of teasing going on.  There have been a few incidents over the past year or two at secondary although it definitely isn't a school of hard knocks.

The next couple of years will be a crucial time for us I think, 13/14/15 - if we can get past them without too much trouble I think we'll be doing OK 

[SAE]

Thanks for your thoughts Two Girls.

It occurred to me that the reason my daughter (and maybe yours too) is still childlike emotionally yet advanced intellectually and physically is also a matter of training time. By that I mean, I certainly don't "teach" her emotional development 1 hr a day, 5 days a week like she gets taught Math, or 1 hr per week like tennis etc. So unless she goes to the "school of hard knocks", be it with more mature (or dysfunctional!) peers, her emotional growth is naturally going to lag her other aspects. And while I'm all for childlike innocence, I realise that I need to address this other very important aspect of growing up more often. There are certain personality traits of her that definitely need more work on!

What personality traits would your daughter need work on?  My daughter is 12 years old and she is definatly not as street smart as the girls are back home but I think this is a good thing.   I do't quite get where you are coming from OP - your daughter is only 9 years old there is plenty time for her to grow up - don't wish her childhood innocence away. 

[two girls]

Oh yes, I meant to add to this last night - if you're worried about how your daughter will be if you return home, don't worry about that too much either.  I have lots of friends here who have children who have done the expat schooling thing here and then and gone off to university back in the USA or Europe or wherever and they've done OK.  A few of my friends have returned home with 13-16 year olds and they've got on OK too.  Kids adapt.

[hsgreenb]

Experience yields maturity.  As your child's circles expand and her experiences with sadness, love, anger, etc. diversify, you'll see that reflected in her.

The challenge is that most maturing children don't want anything to do with their parents' advice & insights when they need it most.

Don't be offended when your child pushes you away.  Always come from a place of love.  And know that your child will not begin to understand you as a person until she starts paying her own bills.

Being a parent is a tough balance between setting the hard rules & allowing the freedom they need to grow into their own.  Just keep listening and be patient, even when you don't like what you hear.

Good luck to you.

[9 yo]

Thanks for all the helpful comments 

Maybe I should elaborate on what "childish" behaviour I meant. And the more I think about it, the more I think it was more than just "childish".

Over the weekend she displayed an appalling lack of sharing and turn-taking. First time, we were at our friends' place for a few hours, half of that time she was playing with a toy. By the end of the evening, the boy who owned the toy I guess wanted to reclaim it and was playing with it. She tried to take it from him, on the basis that we had told her on other occasions when she was the hostess: let the guest play with it because you as the host have it all the time.

The younger boy (6) was firm but quiet. She on the other hand (9+) was almost in tears.

Another day she was with her younger brother at a playground which had a swing, her favourite piece of equipment. She hogged it and wouldn't let her brother have his turn until I gave her a countdown, then she was sulky and reluctant.

I was annoyed that she was acting no differently from when she was 2 or 5, that she'd always been quite a hoarder and selfish. It's definitely more in her nature than her brother's. I know this is common behaviour but that doesn't make it right.

And I had to come along and resolve the issue, rather than her be the older girl that she is and recognise that she'd had more than enough time on both toys, and relinquish control out of fairness, if not generosity.

But on further reflection I also realised that this was a matter of choice. When she is with her friends and people she likes (as opposed to her sibling or a younger kid), she is v accommodating. She innately knows the law of the jungle.

So I need to work on this with her, not just on the occasional time something boils over, but frequently. Just as schools have curricula to teach academics daily, on a graduating scale, I need to address various attributes and flaws more often so that her overall development is balanced, intellectually, physically and emotionally.

[my experience]

The incident with the younger brother is just normal sibling rivalry.  She's just asserting her authority - perfectly normal.

The incident with the younger kid does need addressing and if that's typical, she sounds a bit spoilt - I  don't mean to offend, just stating it as I see it.

Having said that, you do sound as though you take yourself a bit too seriously.  Kids are kids - very few are 'nice' all of the time - actually probably none are.  I used to be a bit like you and now my kids are grown up I've noticed those that had relaxed parents who just let their kids be, have turned out the most balanced. 

[9 yo]

to my experience: yes, my husband and I thought she was being spoilt too. But she gave the explanation and this afternoon, I had a calm chat with her about it, and she stood by her explanation, based on the rule we impose in our house about being the host. And I guess, to be fair, she's right to feel aggrieved. (Children have a knack of working out what's fair and equitable, even if they overuse the term "not fair" for any situation that doesn't suit them) She has had to be giving and generous when she was hostess and now she expected the same treatment accorded to her when the shoe was on the other foot, so to speak. Otherwise it's heads you lose, tails you lose. Our friend didn't intervene in the situation that weekend -- had she, she might well have said the same to her son, that he was to be the good host.

As for the swing and her brother, she said that he hadn't said "please" LOL And that is her oft-heard complaint. Who knows if she wld've relented had he been "courteous".

I know I may seem to be agonising over some v trivial incidents but, and this goes to your point about taking things too seriously, my own experience has been the opposite of yours. My own mom was as laissez-faire as things go, with discipline and such, and I personally feel I was a right monster. My personality was already a little overbearing and feisty and my mother didn't temper me, nor my dad nor elder siblings, who strangely still think I was the good kid. But I still recall and cringe at the nasty, mean things I did to my hapless classmates. Many were entirely blameless and I was basically the queen bee.

So now that I've grown older and realised the error of my ways, I just want to be more vigilant that I don't replicate another little troll. My daughter thankfully isn't the little Miss Bossy that I was, so already I don't start with an uphill task 

[Interesting........]

Is it partly the maid culture here, so that kids don't have to do much for themselves. Combined with the safety (don't have to develop street smarts) and mixing with other kids from (generally) privileged backgrounds.

[And add to that...]

The helicopter parents out there who think their main job in life is to make their children happy. 

[tropicalmary]

From my limited experience withmy children  and some reading up on the subject of development, I don't think children develop physically, emotionally and intellectually at the same time at the same speed. It seems to happen in fits and starts. For example, my eldest at age 9 had a massive growth spurt; she was also naturally a sponge for general knowledge and loved academic challenges. She came acoss to many as much older, more like a 12 year old, and would often be held responsible by others because they expected so much more from her. This "unfairness" (I remember a lot in those days was "unfair") often had her in tears of frustration and her behaviour wasn't always sweetness and light. Her younger sister was just below average age at that stage, did ok in school but seemed like grown-up in a girl's body. She was much more mature emotionally--I suspect she had watched her sister and had learnt that things turn out right in the end and so there is no need for tears and tandrums. 
So maybe your daughter is at the stage were one developmental area is not yet in  sync with the others but time will sort that out.