Jealous justified, or totally overreacting?

[bytesquared]

My partner (whom I'm marrying in a few months) recently got in touch with a girl he used to know in school - apparently they had crushes on each other back then but never dated. She contacted him on social networking and they started emailing back and forth.

She was passing by Sg for a couple of days and really wanted to meet him up. I've seen a couple of their emails prior to this; she is very flirtatious. He had dinner with her, which made me uncomfortable but he assured me that they were just going to catch up on old times, and during dinner there was a fair bit of flirtation from her. Apparently she's married, but not happily. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to cheat on her husband but she seemed very okay with creating emotional intimacy with my partner.

My partner tells me that he tried his best not to respond but at times he got drawn in to the emotions of things too, and he might have gone a little far with innuendoes. Yet he tells me that 'nothing happened'. I believe what he says and I believe the events he told me about. However, I feel that some things went too far - for example, she spilt her drink and was very embarrassed; she sat next to him on the couch in the restaurant, he put his arm around her and she leaned her shoulder against his head. Am I making too big a deal of this??

They had coffee again the next day and this time he was more platonic, but he did ask her "what was up with us yesterday?" and she told him what a gentleman he was, and how nicely he treated her.

To be fair to him, he did say some lovely things about me to her and he doesn't want to be with her at all.

It just makes me VERY uncomfortable that she's clearly very interested in him and keeps wanting to spend time with him. They spent the entire evening today chatting to one another back and forth on blackberry messenger - about the soccer apparently, but I'm sure there was more too, and mostly flirtation and innuendo from her side. She was meant to be out with friends tonight but she sure was replying to him very fast.

My partner thinks I'm making a huge deal out of nothing and that I'm being very unfair to him since he was faithful to me. I just snapped at him asking him why they're constantly chatting and he's pissed off with me for being pissed off with her.

I'm actually not that angry with him - I just feel REALLY angry with her. My anger with him is because he doesn't get why I'm so pissed off with her.

I don't know if I'm overreacting. Please help!!

[Niffed . . .]

Personally I'd be a bit niffed, and then I'd feel niffed because I felt niffed - and so it goes on.  We've all had "old flames" but in kindness to our partners, it's best to leave these flames extinguished.  It's most likely your partner means no harm - but he is male and (sweeping statement) they're often slower on the uptake when it comes to being insensitive.

[agreed]

I don't blame you at all for being miffed.

However, I imagine the girl involved is going through an insecure phase in her marriage, and is enjoying having her confidence boosted by your fiance.  She probably isn't interested in him but the attention she is getting is probably helping her ego - which may or may not have been bruised somewhat in her own marriage.

Still, she should not be playing around with our peoples relationship.

[miffed]

I would be ULTRA miffed so please don't think you are being unreasonable. So what happens after you are married and the next time he/ she is passing by, are they going to meet up again. Hats off to your fiance on giving you the minute by minute details but in a way that just made me think that he is gullible and a bit naive - is he dumb enough to do something stupid after a few too many beers and a blatant pass by her?

Personally I would nip this in the bud. By the way, texting, excessive flirting and innuendos that are constant is a form of cheating too. Having a cyber relationship is also now thought of as a form of cheating.

Men's own shallow being aside, I've come across women like her before in my life. They don't care if a man is attached and has kids or whose life they ruin as long as they get their 5 minutes of attention to satisfy their vanity. The truth is that many of these women cannot hold down a relationship due to their own serious shortcomings. Personally I would call her up and tell her to back off or you'll track down her husband.

[kd]

I too would be jealous.  I would try to explain your feelings to your husband-to-be and tell him that it doesn't matter if he understands your feelings or not - they are REAL.  If you really love somebody, you don't do anything that you know would hurt them, and what he is doing is hurting you, even if he doesn't understand why.  Ask him to try and imagine if the tables were turned - how would he feel if you were behaving this way? He is probably just enjoying a bit of female attention before he is legally 'hitched'.  It might seem a bit OTT, but if I were you I'd ask him to cease all contact with her.  If he can't (or won't), then she means more to him than he's admitting.  Good luck!

[I, guy]

Interesting that it's been only ladies commenting so far.

A guy's take: You all seem quite insecure. Ask yourself what he's done. He's been out with a long lost friend. And that is it. Even if they had a crush on each other, who cares, it's a million years ago. But more importantly, she's married and he's about to be.

What are you gonna do once he is married? Shield him from all ladies that wanna have a chat with him, call him, text him? And even if you do, then will his resultant fidelity be because of his devotion to you or because you're minding him 24/7?

As for  the guys, what would I do if the shoe were on the other foot? Truthfully? I'd be a wee bit apprehensive, sure. But I won't feel inclined to take any action. Because I have faith in my girl.

And if if she does end up straying, then it was never meant to be in the first place eh. But even if that might happen, last thing I want to be in is a relationship that endures solely because I'm actively policing it.

[biatchmiaow]

I, Guy

I see your point, however they went out for dinner, the next day they had coffee and then they spent the whole night texting each other. To me that is too much and is not an innocent liaison.
It's one thing to meet up with an old flame, it's another to spend the whole weekend with them in one form or another.

Next time I would tag along and take a few bridal mags to get her input. I'd also ask her for some tips on keeping your marriage together, that is, a few tips on where she went wrong so you know better.

[observations]

Yes I'd be annoyed if I was in the same stage of a relationship.   I've been married to my man for decades and we both know men and women that the other isn't necessarily as friendly with (old colleagues and friends from school etc) but the difference is that none of them are old flames.  Although, if he DID meet an old crush now and go out for a meal I don't think I'd be too bothered about it but a couple of months before you are due to get married is not the time for someone like that to be showing up.  In fact, if she had any conscience at all, she'd realise this and take a step back.

A guy's take: You all seem quite insecure. Ask yourself what he's done. He's been out with a long lost friend. And that is it. Even if they had a crush on each other, who cares, it's a million years ago. But more importantly, she's married and he's about to be.

She's married but not happily according to the OP - that's cause for concern as far as I can see -  I don't think it is purely insecurity.  Unless the OP and her fella have been living together for years already then they probably don't know each other as well as they think they do and I'm sure she hasn't got a problem with him chatting to women who he works with or just knows socially, but it's different with an old crush. 

The fact that he's admitted to her that he used to fancy this woman at school probably shows innocence on his part, but I'd be suspicious about her motives here. 

[Turn it around.]

Interesting that it's been only ladies commenting so far.

A guy's take: You all seem quite insecure. Ask yourself what he's done. He's been out with a long lost friend. And that is it. Even if they had a crush on each other, who cares, it's a million years ago. But more importantly, she's married and he's about to be.

What are you gonna do once he is married? Shield him from all ladies that wanna have a chat with him, call him, text him? And even if you do, then will his resultant fidelity be because of his devotion to you or because you're minding him 24/7?

As for  the guys, what would I do if the shoe were on the other foot? Truthfully? I'd be a wee bit apprehensive, sure. But I won't feel inclined to take any action. Because I have faith in my girl.

And if if she does end up straying, then it was never meant to be in the first place eh. But even if that might happen, last thing I want to be in is a relationship that endures solely because I'm actively policing it.

I think you'd be more than a "wee bit apprehensive"    If the temptation is there and it happens then yes, not meant to be. But why put yourself in the position in the first place?
It's good that the guy has been completely open about what happened, but he should leave it at that and not stay in touch with this ex. If I was in touch with mine and my husband (or boyfriend) wasn't happy about it then I would sever the tie. My marriage/relationship is worth more than that.

[Get a Grip!]

Give the poor Guy a break!  If this is true and he really has told you all of the above he sounds like an oddball anyway - Men really don't usually go into minute details like this.  However, maybe he was forced to divulge all just to stop the nagging!

Either way, it's been blown completely out of proportion and, ever heard the expression "might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb?"  Nothing happened......................but you could hardly react more aggressively if it had!  He might wake up and realise that!

Seriously, you need to regain control FAST.   Your reaction has now placed you in a VERY negative light with him at a time when you should actually be as attractive, accommodating and alluring as possible.  Men are simple creatures attracted to bright shiny objects.  Are you attractive at this point?

[dude's view]

He wants to shag her. No damned way would I have my arm around a woman and it's platonic, except maybe my little sister...

You seem to know a lot about this person. Have you met her or has your guy been talking about her a lot? It's absolutely ok to put your foot down on this. Don't tell him he can't see his friend, but she needs to come over to your place for drinks next time, or meet the two of you somewhere. Sometimes guys can be a bit thick on this stuff and we just need our arses kicked. I hope that's all it is, but to be honest, I don't think it is.

[simple questions]

1. Did you read his emails or did he show you them? Does he know you saw them?
2. Have you ever been jealous like this about anyone else?
3. Has he ever given you reason to doubt him?
4. Have you ever been cheated on in the past? If so, does he realise this?
5. Did he ask you if it was OK to go out with her? Did you agree?

[Fishy]

A couple of thoughts

- She's only here for a few days apparently, so nothing further can happen. So why get so worried about it?
- I can't imagine a guy going into all that detail about a night out (of any kind) All this detail about her leaning on his shoulder just doesn't ring true. How on earth do you know that "he did say some lovely things about you"
- You've 'seen a couple of emails'? Did he show them to you?

[catch 22]

also boils down to how well you know your dude.

positive:
- he's giving you a blow-by-blow account of the happenings (hopefully all 100% of it). it kind of shows he's not serious (perhaps?) about her.
reverse psychology might also mean telling you =  he's ttrying to psyche himself he's not interested (even if he is).

negative:
- he's enjoying the flirtation and attention too. otherwise why let it continue?
- if it bothers you, and you rank first priority with him ... i think he should give some consideration to how uncomfortable this is all making you feel.
- if he's such a pushover with an old flame .... have you ever wondered how he'd react to come-on signals by someone else once you're married? (unfortunately there are girls who will flirt and push boundaries, regardless of whether or not a guy is married. for some it's an ego booster ... for others they don't care if it's a marriage breaker. good catches are free for all, married or not).

it's up to your guy to set those hands-off boundaries. NOT you to constantly police. you should not spend your life walking on eggshells.

i know ... your reactions seem like a self-defeating, self-fulfilling prophecy. he's telling you, and you should trust him. not reward him with negative reinforcement that will guarantee shutting up.on the other hand ,,, do you wait until something happens before reacting? (if it ain't broke, don't fix it?).

somewhat of a catch 22 eh?

i would suggest getting together for dinner, or whatever. it allays your fears, it reminds her of your presence and position. then again, with some women (biatchy by DNA, no ethics, code of sisterhood or holds barred) ... this just means you're throwing in the gauntlet for open-competition

[Biatch]

I am a girl. I would go and kick her flirtatious ass.