Boyfriend wants a baby, but I'm not so sure

[not maternal]

My partner wants us to have a child soon. The problem is, I'm not sure I do. I'm not really fond of kids. But I love him deeply and want to be with him. Would I be making a big mistake if I go along with the idea?

[Old Mike]

Yes. You would be making a mistake you would regret for the rest of your lives. You say " boyfriend". That means that the two of you are not committed to a relationship which will last the rest of your lives. 

One in two cohabiting couples with children break up before the child’s fifth birthday, compared with one in 12 married couples.

from
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/guest_contributors/article6896048.ece.
If you, yourself, are not keen on children you will resent the baby. The transition from being lovers with only each other to please to parents responsible for the welfare of another human being is stressful even if you have the assurance that your spouse is committed for the long term.
If your boyfriend is that keen on having children it is better that you split now, while you are both without encumberences.

[2 OP]

Honey, don't do it.

It is your body and your life. You call the shots.

The man has not made a strong enough commitment AND you don't want a baby with him. End of.

Good luck, but seriously consider ditching him.

A life on your own would be less fraught than a life spent with a selfish individual such as this man.

[enough bastards]

Your boyfriend? Then I presume you are not married? No, don't do it - there are enough bastards in this world without you adding some more.

[Oldstone]

To the PP with the 'bastard' comment; I strongly resent your comment that there are 'enough bastards in the world'.

No one has the choice of whether they are born illegitimate or not. If you met someone in the street or at a social gathering you would have no idea whether or not his/her parents were ever married or not....it's really none of your business is it?  

To the O/P; Unless you *both* strongly want to have a baby, then don't do it.

[a rose by any name]

To the PP with the 'bastard' comment; I strongly resent your comment that there are 'enough bastards in the world'.

No one has the choice of whether they are born illegitimate or not. If you met someone in the street or at a social gathering you would have no idea whether or not his/her parents were ever married or not....it's really none of your business is it?  

To the O/P; Unless you *both* strongly want to have a baby, then don't do it.

The baby may not have the choice to be born a bastard, but the parents clearly have. And this is what the boyfriend is seriously contemplating - to have a bastard. Or are you objecting to the use of the correct word "bastard". Okay then, OP and his boyfriend are thinking of having an illegitimate child, a love child, a child born out of wedlock.

[bluemeanie]

Call me old fashioned but if a man does not want to get married then I certainly wouldn't want to be having a baby with him. That to me says that he loves you, but doesn't want to commit entirely. Having a child with someone is a very, very big deal. I do, however believe there are many good and committed Fathers out there that are not married to their partner. However I do believe that in most cases it is a show of lack of commitment and I wouldn't be having a child with him.

As the mother, you will probably end up doing 90% of the donkey work and believe me having a child is a full time job in itself.

I think the comment about B'stards is irrelevant.

Brining a child into the world and not loving it is the worst thing you can do. If you are not ready, DON'T DO IT.

P.s. One of the saddest things I've ever heard was a colleague of my husband told him that she didn't know how I (his wife) could stay home with my kids. She had a 2-year old son and she told my husband that she didn't want him, doesn't love him and doesn't really want to spend any time with him.

[Postponed]

The not being married thing shouldn't be too much of an issue if you're both committed.  For some people they need that ring on their finger to feel secure but everyone's relationships are different and it's not for us to judge whether or not you should get married. 

But that's another discussion really.  Whether to have a baby or not is also a very personal choice for both parties and for him to say he wants one is all very well but he's just thinking of the cute baby gurgling on his knee, he's forgetting about sleepless nights, nappies, baby sick and all the other things that come with it, and if he's like most men I know, he won't be dealing with quite as much of that as the mother will be. 

There are plenty of people I know who were totally gushy about having a baby and ended up having a nightmare for the first 6-12 months (I know people now who haven't had a full night's sleep in more than 18 months!) - so I think that it really does help if you actually do want one in the first place.  Of course I also know people who got pregnant by accident and they're fantastic parents, so wanting one and enjoying motherhood don't necessarily go hand in hand, but some kind of yearning (or even call it curiosity if you like) to have a baby to begin with is quite a good thing.

But ultimately you two are the only ones who can make the decision.  It does bring many big changes to your life so it's not something to ever be taken lightly.  What I'd suggest is to talk to him and agree to give it another 6 months or something like that and then talk about it again then and see if any feelings have changed.  Assuming you're not in your 40s with the clock ticking, 6 months shouldn't make much difference.

[not maternal]

We are getting married.

It's not about not wanting to have a child with him, but rather I'm not sure if I want children - at all. I worry about whether we can handle it, and I don't want to be irresponsible. The PP was right when he/she listed all the not-so-rosy bits of having a baby. I've friends with babies/kids, and I don't feel at all inspired to do the same -- start a family.

At the same time I'm confused. It does seem like the natural next step in a committed relationship. And perhaps it's true that people are not born parents, they become parents...?

to Postponed: He's talked about it before, but a few days ago, he seriously brought up the subject. And I'm nearing my mid-30s so the clock is kind of ticking...

[Take heart]

Your doubts are not unusual both my sister and a dear friend expressed the same concerns.  My sister hated being pregnant and worried throughout that she would be a bad mum.
She turned out to be a fabulous mum and loved being one so much that their second child was born less than 2 years after the first.  It hasn't been without its issues but she often tells me how pleased she was that she took the plunge.

My best friend was very much the same but found that motherhood really suited her.  She was a very tough and driven business woman,  Now she loves nothing more than to spend time with her child.

Not saying that the maternal instincts will kick in but it can happen.

[ttberkin]

I don't think marriage is the issue here. If a couple is committed, the act of marriage itself does not necessarily have to exist. There are so many very committed couples who aren't married but have a great relationship and are great parents, too. And so many married couples who are lousy parents.

The real issue is about whether you want kids or not. Marriage isn't necessary for kids, and kids aren't necessary if you're married. The man could be the most committed guy in the world to you but that doesn't mean you should have kids if either person doesn't want them.

This is really a conversation to have with your partner, and both of you need to express what you want from a relationship before deciding to move further. You mentioned that marriage is in the future - maybe this is a good time to have a talk and make sure you're on the same page. It's really one of those essential conversations you must have. Good luck!

[Postponed]

We are getting married.

It's not about not wanting to have a child with him, but rather I'm not sure if I want children - at all. I worry about whether we can handle it, and I don't want to be irresponsible. The PP was right when he/she listed all the not-so-rosy bits of having a baby. I've friends with babies/kids, and I don't feel at all inspired to do the same -- start a family.

At the same time I'm confused. It does seem like the natural next step in a committed relationship. And perhaps it's true that people are not born parents, they become parents...?

to Postponed: He's talked about it before, but a few days ago, he seriously brought up the subject. And I'm nearing my mid-30s so the clock is kind of ticking...

You actually sound quite similar to me in a way.  We had been in a relationship for about 7 or 8  years and he'd always said he wanted kids and it was me who was unsure but by the time I had got to my late 20s, I thought that perhaps I'd always feel unsure and that maybe we should just go for it - the relationship was solid, we had just about enough money etc, so I mentioned it to him and we agreed to see how I felt in 3 or 4 months and then, if we were still sure, try for a baby then and it turned out to be a good decision and the maternal genes were there as it happened, I'd just never felt broody like many of my friends had done.

So that's my story - I believe that some of us are never going to feel particularly maternal until it happens and the whole pregnancy was a bit unreal really (I was convinced they were going to do the first scan and find nothing there!!!) but once the baby was born it was great and I've never regretted it - and yes there were sleepless nights and me having to give up work and all that kind of stuff (not to mention lack of going out in the evening for years!), but I think I'd come to an age where I'd done all my partying and having crazy times and I suppose having a baby and settling down seemed like the next step (as you said in your last post) .........we even went as far as to have another one a couple of years later!

That's why I think you should talk about it again in a few months - after I'd initially broached the subject, we both had those few months to think long and hard about it and nothing was rushed into and that was the best thing in our situation. 

Oh, and I never did become one of those 'gaga' parents that some of my friends did - sometimes I think that was part of what was putting me off all those years   

Take care   

[Bloka]

To the PP with the 'bastard' comment; I strongly resent your comment that there are 'enough bastards in the world'.

You strongly resent ? Who cares.

[what is there to resent?]

To the PP with the 'bastard' comment; I strongly resent your comment that there are 'enough bastards in the world'.

Children of unmarried parents = bastards.
Which part of the above you do not understand, and which part you resent?

[d'uh]

To the PP with the 'bastard' comment; I strongly resent your comment that there are 'enough bastards in the world'.

Children of unmarried parents = bastards.
Which part of the above you do not understand, and which part you resent?

It may be the factual name of old but it has become a swear word.  Nobody wants their child to be called by a swear word do they?  Just as you would no longer call many people the names by which they were called in the old days depending on their race or colour, it isn't exactly polite to call the offspring of unmarried parents a bastard any more. 

If you want to go around using terms like that, perhaps you should join a medieval re-enactment group and then you can really get into 'character'

I'm assuming you're not thick, so why can't you understand that?