Classmate stealing from son - opinions please

[Y1 mum]

Sorry in advance for this long post and grammatical errors!

I'm wanting to get some opinions before I take this matter any further. My 7 year old has had a few of his Match Attax cards stolen by his classmate. This happened on 3 different occasions. The boy (classmate) allegedly snatches the card from DS's folder  and runs off. DS is quiet and non-confrontational and would not stand up to that boy.

I found out about it when it happened the first time. I approached the boy and he denied it. So we decided to let the matter rest. But I had no idea that he carried on stealing from DS a few more times after that. We only just found out about this as DH noticed that a few of DS's favourite cards were missing from his Match Attax folder. DS has asked us not to say anything to his classmate or his teacher for fear of being picked on.

DH and I had a brief discussion this morning. He is reluctant to raise this with the teacher as classmate's dad is a top ranking staff in a bank and so the boy, he feels, is unlikely to be reprimanded. I disagreed with him.

DS has now said that he doesn't want his classmate to attend his upcoming birthday party. So we're inviting everyone in his class except the boy. It's wrong to exclude one child, I know that but he is quite adamant about it.

[My advice]

My advice is to look at this from a big picture perspective. What life lesson would you like your 7-year-old son to take away from this event? Would you like him to learn that it's ok to roll over and let people take your things because you're afraid to make waves or because the perpetrator is well-connected? Or would you like your son to learn that he is just as important as anyone else, and help him develop the courage to stand up for his rights and know that his family is there to back him up come what may?

If it were my child, I'd tell the principal that he is having his things stolen in the classroom, and tell the principal the story of how the 3 initial cards were snatched, and then about the later cards that went missing. I'd ask for advice how to handle the situation diplomatically, because a lot of times kids this age end up befriending each other, then you won't have to worry about not inviting him to the party. Consider bringing your child with you when you speak to the principal to let him see first hand how grown ups handle tough situations, and to let him ask the principal himself for advice how to handle this kind of situation, so that he knows there's someplace he can go if he ever needs advice in school.

It's really about bullying, and the moment your child shows that he can't be bullied, then he won't be. If he continues to roll over every time, then he becomes marked with a target.

[Honestly]

Firstly- You are the adult, the two boys are both only seven. Go in and talk to the teacher about the problem, without anger. Tell her your son is worried about it all becoming an issue if it's found out that he "has told". Let the teacher deal with it.

Secondly-Do not let your son take personal belongings like trading cards, toys etc into school. In alot of schools this isn't allowed anyway.

Lastly-Do not leave one child out of a class invite to a party. The other boy is very young and this would be bad behaviour on your part.

BE A GROWN-UP!

[Really?]

What kind of lesson are you teaching your child by saying, well, the boy's father is high up at a bank (big whoop, by the way), so because of his 'important' father he won't be punished anyway. Do you really think a) that it's true he wouldn't be punished because of who his father is and b) it's ok to live life allowing supposedly well connected people to do whatever they wish?

I agree with the PP, talk with the teacher and be sure to convey your son's concerns and don't allow your son to take stuff to school that he doesn't want to lose. And it really is terrible manners to invite the entire class minus one child.

[What?????]

Who is DS? Who is DH?

[CherryBomb]

Most schools don't let children take their own toys to school.  Probably the best advice.

[same same]

Who is DS? Who is DH?

They're abbreviations that some people use because they can't be bothered to type 'my son' or 'my husband' so it's supposed to mean Dear Son and Dear Husband.



Y1 Mum - I agree with everyone else, you do what's right, not what your kids want. 

Why is he going to get picked on anyway?  What kind of kid is this we're dealing with - sounds like a kid who needs someone to put him in his place if you ask me.

Mark your son's cards and then you've got proof they were his if they get taken, then complain about it.  Don't let the teachers make out it's nothing either, demand they get the parents of this boy into school to discuss the matter. 

If a kid gets away with thieving at this age, what's to stop him doing it again when he's older?  You'll probably be doing him a favour by nipping it in the bud now.

And no, don't feel that your son has to invite him to his birthday party - I wouldn't want someone who'd stolen off me to come to a party I was having and chances are, this kid won't invite your son to his next party after that, so nothing to lose there.

Don't be a wet blanket, sort it out and you'll feel better for it.

[Easy Peasy]

Teach DS to stand up for himself. If he gives the thief a smack in the mouth the situation should change. Though it sounds as though DH has some insecurity issues as well. Maybe he needs to learn to harden up as well.

[no way]

  I find it hard to believe that the son "knows" what the classmates father does for a living. Most 7 year old children really have no idea what their classmates parents do, and why would this be brought up by the OP's son? Really makes no sense...

most schools dont allow such cards in school, so lesson learned keep them home.

I say wind up

[Y1 mum]

Thank you for your replies. To the previous poster, this is not a wind up. Some of us parents are working the same industry so it's not hard to know who is who. That's all I will say.

I had a long chat with my son (DS) this afternoon. DS is a sensitive 7 year old but he is timid and shy as well. We are working on his self-esteem.

Husband (DH) is not aware of this but DS and I will both meet his teacher tomorrow. My approach will be to tell her the situation so she is aware of it. It's not about witchhunt, it's not about getting those cards back. It's about letting the school decide if they can or should nip the situation in the bud. DS is no longer allowed to bring those wretched trading cards to school.

Yes it's politically incorrect to exclude one child from a birthday party. But this isn't a case of  "I don't want him at my party because I don't play with him". This is a boy who has targeted DS and blatantly steals his things. In my eyes, that's a bully. It's DS's wish and I will respect that, even though he's only 7. I don't give two hoots if DS doesn't get invited to his party in return.

[life's lessons]

I think you're on the right track. I'd choose not invite the child as well because it is my child's wishes. If dear bully's mother wants to know the reason, you have every right to tell her the truth - calmly.

Though these are 7 yr olds ... there are really mean 7 yr olds, and they start young. Unfortunately, many of the bullies also have really aggressive parents behind them endorsing their action.

It's also sadly true in many cases that some parents with more clout and connections in private schools get away with things. Even if their kids are repeat offenders with more behavorial problems than any others. It all boils down to how much influence and indirect-kickbacks the school expects in return, or how many referrals.

Unfortunately this is just life in general. If you indirectly teach your DS to cower to a bully now, he might eventually just learn to feel helpless without even wanting to try put in any efforts to confront conflict or find solutions.Why bother? Just grin and bear it. Or escape (avoid).

Even if this storm is now over ... perhaps you can brainstorm some ideas together with him as well, as to how to deal/cope with such people if a similar situation arises again.
Some children just get targeted more than others. Their reactions (sensitivity, crying, being overwhelmed and not verbalising it to any teacher until too late) also encourages bullies to pick on them.

Good Luck!

(I think the PP's idea to mark those cards are great btw!  )

[bullyboy]

Firstly, WHY are you letting your kid take personal stuff to school. School is for learning. If my son took his favourite things to school I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be on the bus back.

Secondly, so what if his Dad has a good job. Who gives a stuff. This does not give his son the right to pick on you. He doesn't pay any more than you to attend the school, nor does he have the right to breathe more oxygen than you.

Firstly, stop sending things to school. If he continues to bully your son you go see the teacher and follow it up in writing. 

[tell parents]

While telling teacher may help I'd tell the parents.

Being high up in a bank is guff, so am I and if I found out my kid was doing this I'd be appalled and you can be bl++dy certain it wouldn't happen again.

I also say this from experience, I was bullied as a kid and the resolution came via other kids parents not the school (they tried but pretty much toothless, unless caught red handed they can't do anything).

As for a smack in the mouth, I have some sypathy for this but ultimately a bad idea, will be your kid rather than the bully who ends up getting excluded.

[wakeup plum]

the fact you use this DH and DS guff shows what a plum you are.

Stop the kid taking these cards into school and go and see the teacher - Jeeez - clueless

[wussies]

kids are kids, let them be...looks like you are over protective of your kids.