parent of a tween

[iresign]

Are you constantly being told that you are a bad parent?  That you can do nothing right? Am so fed up of providing my child with so many great opportunities - my childhood did not offer half as good an education, a home, holidays etc - only to have them thrown back in my face and watch them being wasted.

Is it a tween thing?  Will it pass?  How do I weather this storm?

[Old Mike]

Simple to advise, but difficult to do.
1: Next time it happens, withdraw the opportunity.
2: Make sure the kid knows that you are the boss. You provide the money.
3: Make the kids understand that while they are dependent on you, they do it your way.
This will lead to fights, tantrums etc. But they are fights you MUST win if you are not to be a doormat for the rest of your life.

In an extreme situation, go on strike.
No meals prepared, no allowance given,Tell the maid not to do anything for them.

[Kafka]

are you the only target or your husband/wife as well?

[Right]

Old Mike gave good advice.  It was reported in the papers a few days ago - a passenger witnessed a parent giving in to her child's temper tantrums on board a plane.  For take-offs / landings, the shade had to be brought down but the brat managed to get her mum to lift them in order to pacify her.  The flight attendant had to intervene a few times.

These brats start young so if you can't manage this then you'll have a horrible teen.  Non-assertive parents are often unaware that they are weak-willed and passive in their approach.  There's no need to seek approval or affection from a difficult child when you're doing the right thing as a parent.  

[Good luck]

My advice, give your tween more responsibility. Turn up the heat on the chores, put him/her completely in charge of them, make the chores a little harder than the usual "take out the trash" varieties, where decisions, research or thinking through multiple options is part of the job (for example, figure out how to fix/get fixed certain things when they break, caring for a pet and being responsible for vet and healthcare decisions). Tell them that as they grow responsible enough to handle these things, on their own without being asked or your having to nag, you'll reward them with more independence, extra time for a curfew, later lights out, less supervision. If they want the independence they must earn it - prove to you that they're ready for it, then you'll be happy (and feel more ready) to give it to them.

If you go this route, consistency and support is key. And never nag, the idea is if the child wants to be treated like an adult then s/he will have to learn how to grow up. But I think you can put it to them more nicely than that

My $0.02

[Sad but true]

Old Mike gave good advice.  It was reported in the papers a few days ago - a passenger witnessed a parent giving in to her child's temper tantrums on board a plane.  For take-offs / landings, the shade had to be brought down but the brat managed to get her mum to lift them in order to pacify her.  The flight attendant had to intervene a few times.

These brats start young so if you can't manage this then you'll have a horrible teen.  Non-assertive parents are often unaware that they are weak-willed and passive in their approach.  There's no need to seek approval or affection from a difficult child when you're doing the right thing as a parent.  

Witnessed this today.  Was ordering a sandwich and a couple were holding up the whole queue while they consulted their little brat on his drink.  Each time they would get a 'sample' from the attendant and show it to the child, which would be rejected and the whole cycle starts again.  The whole ordering process normally takes 2-3 minutes, today it was at least 12-15 as one member of staff and the cash register had to be dedicated to satisfying this child's whims.

[Good luck]

I've assumed the OP is a decent parent and the tween is, well, a tween.

[kids huh]

Are you constantly being told that you are a bad parent?  That you can do nothing right? Am so fed up of providing my child with so many great opportunities - my childhood did not offer half as good an education, a home, holidays etc - only to have them thrown back in my face and watch them being wasted.

Is it a tween thing?  Will it pass?  How do I weather this storm?

Kids don't really understand this kind of thing and probably won't until they're older.  I don't get told I'm a bad parent but I've got a 12 yr old who seems to think that living here is boring and it'd be better back home in the UK.  I spent my childhood in the UK and while it has plenty of good points, it certainly has some bad ones too.  When I was younger I couldn't even imagine what it'd be like to live somewhere where it was summer all the time and you could go swimming every day and here she is with all of that and she craves winter weather and pokey houses with tiny rooms!  Kids eh 

When she's in her late teens/early 20s and living in some dingy shared house in the UK somewhere I'm sure she'll be craving her old life and then she'll appreciate where she grew up.

[His story]

To OP
I'm sure your mother felt the same way about raising you.
Parents of all generations seem to think that they have done a lot for their kids, and got back little by way of appreciation, respect etc.
In addition, each generation of kids is turning out to be more smart mouthed and disrespectful than the prev one.
The disrespect should be handled swiftly and firmly or else the relationships just disintegrate pretty fast.
Regarding the better opportunities/circumstances - as a child I always felt that it was not my fault that my dad had to walk miles to get to school. I had nothing to do with your childhood circumstances dude. Dont keep throwing that in my face.
And the enrichment classes and the like - may be your child is not into piano, tennis, or whatever. Save your money. Wait till your child is more interested/motivated. And even then, make them earn it. Whether by way of household chores, or parttime jobs, or just a promise to practice more sincerely.

[Hesiod]

"I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on
frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond
words... When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and
respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise
[disrespectful] and impatient of restraint" (Hesiod, 8th century BC).

[Question]

I have no idea but what is a tween!

[hm..mm]

"I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on
frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond
words... When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and
respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise
[disrespectful] and impatient of restraint" (Hesiod, 8th century BC).

i read a similar quote but credited to Socrates instead.... a hoax?

[Socrates...]

The Socrates quote is different:


The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for
authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place
of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their
households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They
contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties
at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.

[name]

The Socrates quote is different:

The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for
authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place
of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their
households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They
contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties
at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.

Was it Plato, or Plato quoting Socrates in "Republic"?

[No change]

I read somewhere about a note written around the time of ancient Rome about a parent complaining about his son.  His son was self-centred, obsessed with his looks and shows no respect for elders...etc. ( approximate words).

Looking at previous posters, nothing has changed much has it? - the older generation complaining about the next generation.  I would think that my generation was hardworking, law-abiding and respectful of elders and authority figures.  I didn't  smoke/ take drugs/ drink / use foul language / attend wild parties / skip school or get into trouble with authority figures. 

I wash the dishes, do housework and greet my neighbours, etc.  Yet, my mum seem to find fault with me in other areas - some adults can be negative and unappreciative of their children's good qualities ( hmmm... )