No friends - Is it just me?

[tired/lonely/bored]

Is it just me or is it really difficult to find a genuine friend here. I have lived here a long time and to this date, I still cannot say that I have met one woman who I would class as a good friend. I have lots of what I call semi-friends but all of these people seem to be unbelievably selfish. I have lived other places and made some great life-long friends so I do not particularly think it is me. I also do not think I am a needy person as I can and go generally go about my own business pretty independently. I find that these so called friends are happy to bang on about their maid (negatively) for hours and expect you to listen, but call them up with a real problem e.g. guess what happened my kid broke their leg, I'm so upset etc. and they do not want to know. Of course, I have learn't not to do this anymore. I also find that so called friends seem to think that their lives/ kids/ daily business is more important than anyone else's. That their kids minute needs are much more important than what's good for the whole class at school etc. I have seriously thought about leaving this place as I feel that no support network and having to interact with selfish people on a day to day basis is not going to be good for us in the long term. Sometimes I feel bad about moving my kids and the friends they have made, but then I think to myself, are they really friends because often you'll have a play date with someone and then won't hear from them for months because their mum has found something better to amuse herself with for a while. So in a nutshell, I think my kids also have semi-friends.

Anyone else feel like this?

[busy and fake]

As long as you don't build or share any real sense of history with anyone, I think you will find this situation repeated anywhere you go in the world. So no not just you.

As you age and mature, you're also not going to be the same person you were as a teen or 20-something. Older, wiser, more perceptive and more aware of your expectations, or what you want out of real friendship.

[society in general]

I think what you describe is sadly becoming more the way of the world, not just in Singapore

Internet friendships, transient societies, materialism, texting rather than talking - sadly not condusive towards forging strong, lasting bonds.  Life is becoming more easy, less need to rely on others.

[chatty]

Is it just me or is it really difficult to find a genuine friend here. I have lived here a long time and to this date, I still cannot say that I have met one woman who I would class as a good friend. I have lots of what I call semi-friends but all of these people seem to be unbelievably selfish. I have lived other places and made some great life-long friends so I do not particularly think it is me. I also do not think I am a needy person as I can and go generally go about my own business pretty independently. I find that these so called friends are happy to bang on about their maid (negatively) for hours and expect you to listen, but call them up with a real problem e.g. guess what happened my kid broke their leg, I'm so upset etc. and they do not want to know. Of course, I have learn't not to do this anymore. I also find that so called friends seem to think that their lives/ kids/ daily business is more important than anyone else's. That their kids minute needs are much more important than what's good for the whole class at school etc. I have seriously thought about leaving this place as I feel that no support network and having to interact with selfish people on a day to day basis is not going to be good for us in the long term. Sometimes I feel bad about moving my kids and the friends they have made, but then I think to myself, are they really friends because often you'll have a play date with someone and then won't hear from them for months because their mum has found something better to amuse herself with for a while. So in a nutshell, I think my kids also have semi-friends.

Anyone else feel like this?

I'm sorry you are having this experience.  Being away from home can be isolating enough, even with a support system, so having noone close to turn to must be hard.

I truly believe you have to develop a thick skin and just put yourself out there.  I am very chatty and have made a couple of great friends just by striking up conversation out of nowhere.  Actually my closest friend here I met in the queue at Fairprice!  If you are open and friendly you'll find other normal, open friendly people.  Just need to ignore the ones who give you the frosty stare for having dared speak. I don't care if some people think I'm a nut job just because I have commented on the weather to a complete stranger.  Anyway, it just weeds out the stuck up snobs 

On a side note, I have never made a friend through the school mum circuit.  Never.  I don't know what this says about me or them, just the way it is. 

Finally, don't hang around the selfish ones just because you feel like you need the company.  It's a waste of your time.  Find nice new people with whom to build friendships. I promise they are out there.

[beatrice b]

funny, i had this very same thought yesterday. i have no real friends and my family are distant now being away from them for so many years. My hubby an alien just working most of the time. I feel so isolated nowadays.

My conclusion : The older one gets the harder it is to make friends. Each one with their families so no time for each other.

[echo that]

yep, been here more than 10 years and do not have what I would call a "real friend"  I feel I could call on in a crisis here. During my time I have had 2 very close friends that moved on and wonder if that keeps a lot of us from committing.
Know lots of people here to chat with and have a coffee or lunch but def no bestest buddy.


Could be an age thing, like a couple of pp's have suggested. I do think we have more "criteria" as we get older.
Could also be like another pp suggested; a sign of the times. I know that I don't talk to (2) old friends back home as much nowadays, relying on facebook and email to keep up. Although that said I know I could call on them at anytime for anything and know they would be there 100%
or it could just be that people here are quite fickle.

I tend to go with the quite fickle theory. I have had dinner parties, bbq's, organised lunches, play dates etc. People have always turned up, been very polite eaten the food and drunk the drink but rarely return the favour. I have also made "friends" on the school mum circuit but have certainly found these women to blow hot and cold. One day they want to be your best friend only to want to totally ignore you the next. I've kind of given up a bit now.

I wouldn't worry about staying here just for the sake of your children's friendships. My children are only 4 and 5 and they have seen no end of friends move on or return home already. They are far better at this game than us:-)

[To OP]

Who are you? You seem to have read my mind and posted my thoughts! I agree with you 100%. In fact I also agree with PP 100%. That is how people are like these days- always with an agenda, always calculating what they can get out of you and how you could be of use to them. I'm tired of fake people and these superficial friendships. In my mind, these "semi-friends" are just a liability. I could go on endlessly but will keep it short. You are NOT the only one.
Perhaps all of us posting about our experiences could meet up for coffee, since it does seem like we have some things in common...

[echo that]

Yay, we could have a coffee morning for real women for real friends

[agreed ladies]

True true true.  Its the world we live in , where people care only for themselves and whats in it for them.

[tired/lonely/bored]

Thanks for all the posts and I'm relieved to see that I am not the only one, or weird! I guess I also find it hard as my husband travels a lot. I like to talk out my issues and feel bad if I am calling him up a few times a day or he gets home and I am in a sad mood.

What I find so hard to deal with is the unbelievable amount of self-indulgence and selfishness here and the backbiting/ backstabbing. I am talking about 40+ women who act like bitchy cheerleaders on some tacky Beverly Hills type TV program. I'm serious, I've met so many of these women it's untrue. Another "friend" of mine asked me what to buy my child for their birthday, and I asked for a book, as they love reading. She then got really pee'd off and said, no she wasn't buying them a book! despite my getting her kids exactly what she asked for. I don't think she wanted to encourage my child to read incase all of a sudden my child was a better reader than hers. How pathetic.

Anyway, moving forward I think I have too much time on my hands. I think in 2012, I am going to take up studying or something so that the spare brain capacity and energy I have is used more productively than wasted on dealing with toxic people.

[I feel the same]

This is my second time in Singapore and I did make  "real friends" here 10 years ago, now whether it is because I am older or times are a changing, I don't find it so easy this time around.  I don't have children at school anymore, my husband travels and it can get lonely. 

I am happy to read that it is not just me........

[busy and fake]

Sometimes it's the territory. Certain types of (successful) environments, schools and activities attract a certain crowd.
I used to meet some Paris Hilton cheerleader type aggressive mothers while volunterring in school. Some of them were trophy wives, with high powered husbands. These wives were used to a culture of networking and connections, be they old rich or nouveau-riche wannabe poseurs who married (snared) well.

Their lives were morning coffee, spa, yoga, nails, baking pretty and perfect (healthy and organic) confections and sadly - gossiping and bitching. Throw into the mixture subtle competition; be it in polite conversational enquiries about grades or intentions to enter some elite program, outside school activities and enrichment, or what new car has just been bought.

Their Juicy-Couture clad little darlings were some of the 'sweetest' two faced brats as well, in the classrooms.

Unfortunately some of those were also influential fund-raising PAC (parent-advisory comittee) mothers.

I see some of the b*tchy crowd in the 'diva' activites like Ballet as well. Some of these mothers have unfulfilled dreams, which in turn surface in extreme competitiveness that little Ms Junior Princess will reach whatever stardom mum did not, in her time.

I used to volunteer in those schoolyards and classrooms until I got really tired of the whole pretentious superficiality, graceful- nice manners scene. What irked me more was the company/values my kids would be picking up from that environment. Switched schools, and thankfully -  the move made a whole world of difference in groundedness and reality.

Try volunteering.
Especially a world that is so consumed and impressed with all symbols ostentatious which signifiy wealth, power and success. A world that can only hear/see the 'all-talk', but is blind to the 'no real action'. A new society that only sees/hear surface glitz ...  but which pays so little heed to quiet, achieving action.

Nevermind the journey to get that wealth. Or the lack of values, class or depth in the people possessing that wealth and power.

Volunteer for charities, for children, for other women, for the needy. Try it.

It enriches your own soul. You will emerge perhaps even more aghast at so-called 'friends' after your experience. Yet even when alone, you will embrace a new simplicity that is more rewarding and enriching.

[same same]

when I first arrived here I had one of those semi friends.

I thought she was genuinely nice but was horrified when one day while talking about her family she said she had no interest in going back to visit any of them. She said "why on earth would I want to go back there? All they do is sit in my mums kitchen and drink cups of tea, they eat their dinners off a tray in front of the TV. No thanks, if they want to see me they know where I am".
She was now used to living it up in her huge b&w. She could possibly be one of those who married well but she was from a council estate in Essex.
I think an awful lot of people here become delusional. Living in a condo with a tennis court, pool, gym, having a maid etc.

None of my family live on a council estate but if they did I would have no qualms about telling people about it or visiting them there. Both of my parents worked hard all of their lives in factories to provide for us and I would never pass them over for a pool, gym or anything else.

with friends like that I'd rather be without, thanks

[Me too!]

This is my 2nd time in Singapore and it certainly seems harder this time round than last to meet/make genuine friends.  Although I am fortunate that I do have 2 very good friends that will always be so even when I leave.

Any of you ladies fancy meeting up one morning for coffee and a chat over the next couple of weeks?

[localmale]

I am not sure do all expats feel this way. But I do know that generally most expats feel this way. I am a young local male by the way. I have a German female friend that I met here in Singapore. She has since left Singapore with her husband. She faced the same problem when she was here. For 3 years she did not have any local friends until the day we met. She has a few expat friends here though.

But what I want to say is maybe you might want to befriend a local? I have to say that my German friend is one of my best friend and I will dare say that I will be there for her and husband if they ever do need any help (even if I have to travel out to be with them). We have since been keeping in contact with one another through emails. Though we are far apart but it doesn't mean that our friendship cannot last.

But there is hope because it seems like the people here are facing similar problems. Who knows you might end up being the best of friends with one another!

Have a lovely day!