Bored Mom

[The Narcissist5]

"The feminist movement made this so complicated. It's your world. You created it. Don't blame us if you don't like it."

I have to agree with Man Law on this point

[Disagree]

Motherhood is a sacrifice. 'Working-hood' isnt
Can't have it both ways, or else there's no sacrifice.
Logic 101 reqd. to figure that one...

Motherhood is not a sacrifice, it is natural. Working-hood is sacrifice, need to face with stress.

[Me Too]

Being a man is much easier. Do everything we've been doing for thousands of years with no thanks for it. No wonder we prefer the company of mates at the pub.

How can it be? You have been living for thousands of years? Wow !!!

[confused from Peckham]

What I observe is a few women on the sidelines who are happy with their choices and what life has dealt them.  They finding these hardline - SAHMs v single working women having a go at each other rather sad.

Oh - and by the way, I'm a feminist and wish we could all make our own choices (if we have a choice) and just get on with our lives if we're not in a position to choose.  I don't see this as a feminist issue - I see it as people trying to justify their positions in the face of continued attack by the other side.  Feminism has given us that choice at least.

[Mum12]

I had to contribute to this...

For 16 years I was a working mother...I am a well qualified professional and earned well... but also had a fairly stressful job. I am ashamed to say it but i resented the kids when I came home; I was always tired ( nay exhausted)... there was no time for the gym and no me time at all. All my free time was spent with the kids because I felt so guilty not being there for them all the time... but we needed the money so I carried on.

Now we are in Singapore, where the financial pressure has eased and I dont HAVE to work. My kids are older, so technically I should be able to work, but I dont. The main reason is that I like being home for the kids when they walk in through the door every day, I like to drop and pick them for their activities, I like to sit and chat with them about their day. The atmosphere in the home is much more peacful as I ahve taken all the load off my husband- I dont expect him to pick and drop ( unless he wants to) nor do the groceries. And hey, I have a maid too... I dont think I need to justify my existence by cleaning and doing laundry ( though I do enjoy cooking). And yes, I do go for the odd massage or for coffee with my friends... and I still think I have a  fulfilling life.

Let everyone choose what works for them . I dont miss work... been there done that... time to move on.

[Man Law]

"I am ashamed to say it but i resented the kids when I came home; I was always tired ( nay exhausted)... there was no time for the gym and no me time at all. All my free time was spent with the kids because I felt so guilty not being there for them all the time... but we needed the money so I carried on."

Welcome to man's world.

I have been a working dad for 35 years. Okay a dad for 10 but you get the point.

I would love to quit my job, rely on spouses income, have me time and time for the gym.

One of the big female stressors is having all this choice and wanting it all.  No one can have it all so it drives you nuts.

[Mum11]

Worked until I was 37 then had 2 kids here in Singapore. We have a reduced income without my earnings however my two boys have had a great start in life. Sometimes you have to ask yourself when do you have enough $. For us being an expat is about striving for the quality of life we do not have back home (long hours, commute into London, don't get quality time until the weekend). As a full time Mum to my kids, I think they are having a much better early childhood than they would have back home with me working full time. We tried the helper/ nanny thing and it just didn't work. When the boys both go to school full time then I will pick up my career again. Look at it this way. I have worked since I was 18 (part-time until I left Uni at 22 then full time). That's 47 years until I retire. If I take out 3-4 years to focus on my kids and family so what!! That's nothing in the big picture.

It seems that as a woman you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. People snipe at single women, married women, married no kids, married with kids. If you work as a mum you get slated, if you are a full time mum that's not acceptable either. I have felt all of these prejudices at some point.

Sometimes I wish I was Swedish.

[Mum12]

Man law, I understand your point. But I find that now that Im not working I do give my husband 'me time' whereas I would resent it when he was working the same hours as I was.

Today if you ask him, he would rather have it this way. Like I said, the atmisphere at home is so stress free and the kids are doing so much better both psychologically and academically. At the end of the day, they do like to have their parents around.... and one does need to be around so much more for teenaged kids.

At some stage in a marriage a couple has to decide whose career is more important. Since I have given up my job and followed my husband halfway around the world, it is my prerogative to not work. I know several couples where it works in reverse... and everyone is still happy.

[barefoot]

"Today if you ask him, he would rather have it this way."

Of course he would!  He has you at home where you can't get up to any mischief or meet eligable men at the office.  It makes him feel more secure.  He still gets to mingle with single young women and get his ego massaged.

[Mum12]

Frankly, barefoot... not going to an office does not mean you cant 'get up to mischief'... if a person is so inclined they can find the opportunity anywhere... and that goes for both men and women

[Man Law]

"At some stage in a marriage a couple has to decide whose career is more important. "

This is the statement that gives us all so much grief.  Marriage is a partnership.  It is not just about money although we all have to admit money is important - but only for the quality of life that it brings the family.

No partner, or partner's role or job is more important than the other's. If I had to make a tie break it would be the role that has the most important influence on the family success.  i.e. kids upbringing, home envoronment, family unity.

Work is just a job - let's get over that fact.  In an agricultural society, someone went out an plowed fields or the family didn't eat.  I don't know anyone aching to go plow fields.  Work is just plowing fields.

If my wife made more money plowing fields for the time invested, I would be happy to take on the tougher role of staying home and making sure the family was strong and successful.

The only thing we have to make sure of is that each role is appreciated and valued and that the division of labor is fair and adequate.

I love people who are making life choices to tone down the materialism a little, give up one outside job in favor of family quality time.  No one reaches retirement and says they wish they spent less time with their kids.

[Gift]

No matter how much every mother moans and groans about daily life at home with the kids, there is no disputing the fact that children are a gift from God.  I am a stay at home mum, and I know how hard and mundane it can be.  I get really frustrated at home and also look for something to do - 'other than the mumsy stuff'.  

How did we all get here in the first place??  From the sacrifices our parents made and now its our turn to do the same for our kids.  No high paid job or career can match what a mother gets out of raising her kids.  Sometimes we all need to sit back and remember that.

[observer99]

 am a working woman who prefers not to have kids - and yes, it is a choice. My partner does not put any pressure on me to start a family and we're both happy with the choice. I have a number of female friends who have chosen differently - they've given up their jobs to start a family. I say good for them - whatever makes them happy.
But why oh WHY is it the case that the moment I mention anything work-related, they snap at me like a cadburycracker. It makes me wonder if they resent the fact that I'm in work, and I'm often made to feel as if I'm 'showing off'. It was their choice to become SAHMs, they claim they're extremely happy - and yet they keep on having a go at working women.

It looks to me like those women weren't prepared to give up their jobs in teh first place. But rather than to own up to it, they tend to take  out their frustrations on those who have chosen differently. I'm sure I'm not alone in this observation... Some of my closest friends (who are now mothers) have since distanced themselves from their working friends because they feel a bit low about themselves around us.  It shows they're having such difficulty coping, they're driving  their friends away and alienating themselves. And that is very sad

[Man Law]

Observer99 - If you reread your post very carefully, you will realize that your post sounds a bit pompous. Especially your attitude to blame them for the relationship issues.

If your child rearing friends are cutting you out it is probably because the longer you are childless the less you have in common with them.  You can't understand their world and probably because your topics of discussion surround work, they can't or don't want to relate to your world.

It's a bummer but choosing to be childless often results in choosing a different set of friends.  My wife and I had children later than most.  Our friends with kids drifted away but most are now back.  The only issue is the age diffrence between our kids and theirs.

[thosefairs]

on a different tangent - do those expat wives who sell at fairs eg - wooden toys, art, silverware- actually make money?  Or is it just something to pass the time and break even?  An accountant once told me they often make a loss and can write it off against the husband's tax.