Observation & experiences

[Curious2]

Since you lot here seems to know-it-all, could someone enlighten me on this:

How does a local (man or lady) show like/dislike for a person (special or platonic, co-workers or friends, expat or local, man or lady)?  Are the signs more subtle?  Pls speak from experience if possible - have had too many opinions.  

* Exclude SPGs and keep our discussion amicable pls.  Thank you.

[vague]

 Asians do tend to dislike confrontational or agressive behaviour cos they don't want to embarrass anyone.
I think locals are pretty westernised and some of them may be really frank with someone they dislike.However,most of them prefer to use subtle hints.

How to know? When someone smiles vaguely and nods but makes no real attempt to converse,doesn't call you or ask you out or make an attempt to include you in their conversations or outings? I think that applies to all nationalities,its just being polite.

[curious as well]

Fabulous topic.  I would be interested in the answers.  We have invited locals to dinner, after getting on with them very well at work.  Although they arrive laden with gifts and seem to have a good time we have never had a return invitation.  What does this mean?

[Gal]

Like what vague has said. Asian/locals prefer to use subtle hints. You know someone dislike you when they dun contact you, ignore your calls/emails and etc.

Curious as well, you invited your local friends back home for dinner? Are you expecting them to invite you to their home for dinner too? Maybe they are being polite, so they accepted your invitation. Maybe they are not used to invite guests home for dinner. Or maybe the wife don't wanna cook the dinner and hate the mess that she had to clean up after that.. so the husband dare not invite anyone home.

Did these local friends of yours, invited you out for dinner or a drink after work? If they did, then maybe they really enjoyed having you around( mean they like you ) and really did enjoyed the dinner at your place.

[tht]

curious as well -

I think the lack of a return invitation may not mean that they do not like you, it's probably asian reticience at work here. I think most local people would prefer that they take you out to a meal instead - entertaining at home being a somewhat alien concept to the "less westernized" folks? I think most people hardly visit each other's homes unless you're a relative, or say it's Chinese New Year/ Christmas/ or some other festival, or when someone has gotten a new baby    

[curious as well]

Thanks for the replies.  I think you are right - that locals prefer to have a meal at a restaurant.  We did encounter some surprise when we said that the dinner would be at home.  They have suggested eating out, and I got the impression that home based entertainment is not common.

[s'pore perspective]

curious as well:

it's also the chinese pai-say ness (politeness + embarassment) at work here.

they are afraid of infringing on you/your home, disturbing your private sanctuary, esp if they have kids who may unintentionally mess your home.

thus it's easier for dinner invites to be on neutral ground - out.
as for the return invite to their home - have you thought maybe they might be worried about ... the menu and what would be appetising to a caucasian palate?

[evehow]

And maybe the house is too small lah!!!  (But I dunno what kind of house your friends own.)

Like the 4-room I'm living in, doesn't even have a dining room.  If we want to host a dinner, we either have to have buffet and make our friends sit all over the place, or rent a huge round table and place it in the middle of our living room or something.

[Singaporean]

have to say we have had the reverse experience of you. We have invited many expat friends/colleagues to our place for dinner but not had the return.

Many Singaporeans can't cook/can't be bothered to cook & wash up so I take it that that could be your experience.

With the expats we encountered, we felt that they were very "boh cheng" (no gratitude) because many of them we took the trouble to make them feel welcome when they first arrived but after they found their own circle of friends, they didn't know us anymore. We had not only invited them for dinner but organised drinks etc. So we now don't bother anymore.

[Pomp]

Speaking as a local, don't think it's any different.  All depends on the situation but don't think it's anymore obvious or subtle than the regular body language and dialogue involved in showing someone your like or dislike.  Think the person in the situation will be the best judge.

[Russkie Dragon]

HMm.... bearing in mind all of the above, I wonder how I should construe an invitation from a chinese female collegue to come over to her house for dinner and tea, especially since she is from a different department and our work is not related. Hmmm... Oh and... she is more than cute   But I've been at this job for only 2.5 weeks and talked to her maybe at the most for half an hour, combined. Plus I am married and she knows that. Er. Hm.

Any thoughts? I am afraid that refusal will not be understood correctly, and besides, she is a very nice person and I don't see the need to refuse - its not like I don't like her! But on the other hand, I can't fathom accepting her invatation by myself (married), and I can't imagine going over to her place with my wife either, because, well, my little lady is a bit on the jealous side, all things considered, and me taking her to a female colleague's house will most definately look suspicious under any and all circumstances.  

Hmm.. I just realized I can't win  

Any ideas?  

------------------
- The Russkies are coming!

[Gal]

Russkie, is this female colleague of yours married or seeing anyone? And did she invite you and your wife over or just you alone? Did you sense her interest in you???

If she only invited you over for dinner, and you dun okay going to her place for dinner, why don't you suggest to her that you and her can have a dinner in some resturant instead? That way, it would be just a colleague-friend kind of dinner appointment.

On the other hand, if she invited you and your wife along, then maybe she just wanna make friends with you and your wife. Try talking to your wife about this and see what she say. Maybe you are just over-sensitive about this. Maybe your wife is more than willing to go with you. Dun think too much. Just talk to you wife! That's my recommendation.

[Poppette]

Listen out for mono-syllable answers or just plain nodding and shake of head...  

[Poppette]

Russkie Dragon,

it's an innocent workmate's invite to dinner party.. trust me, these invites are very family entertainment types unless she reckons u come by yourself, forget mrs Dragon and bring your toothbrush.  

Heeheee..... so bring the misses & mingle like in any office party, semi formal. Anyone else invited other than yourself? Maybe it's a moon cake festival buffet dinner??

[This message has been edited by Poppette (edited 30-08-2001).]

[Playing Fire]

Oh My, Russkie!! You should not contemplate accepting this invitation from her, especially if she hasn't extended the invitation to your wife. ARE YOU MAD???

Ok, i do understand that you are male  , so think about this : since joining have you had non work encounters with her, and if so, was there any flirting on her part, and would she perceive your friendliness as flirting back? If so - my guess is she has one thing on her mind.

If you don't want to be rude, why don't you suggest instead that you organise drinks after work with other colleagues you both know, and say "yea, then my wife can meet all my colleagues, I'd love you lot to meet her".

Then you'll be able to tell if her intentions were more than friendly.